


Second Chances

by TomliTheGreat



Category: Justin Bieber - Fandom, One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-06-01
Updated: 2013-12-20
Packaged: 2017-12-13 16:21:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 69,885
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/826304
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TomliTheGreat/pseuds/TomliTheGreat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff"><p>this is my 2nd multi-chaptered fic.</p>
<p>hope you all like it.</p></blockquote>





	1. Conned Into Babysitting a Popstar

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is my 2nd multi-chaptered fic.
> 
> hope you all like it.

Meeting Niall wasn’t on my list of things to do that day, and I can tell you that even if it had been,  
babysitting him would definitely have been at the bottom under things like ‘push splinters under my fingernails’, and ‘eat dirt’.

Not that I didn’t think he wasn’t probably a really nice person, despite his pop star status. I’d met  
celebrities before, and once you got used to the bodyguards and the people staring at them and  
the way that they sometimes unconsciously expected things, like people bringing them a drink or  
giving them free stuff, many of them turned out to be quite nice underneath. I just didn’t think  
Niall and I would have all that much in common, and I really didn’t want to take the time out of  
my day to find out if we did.

Courtney though, she had other ideas…

“Sean,” She began breezing through the open front door of the shop, a travel bag slung over her  
shoulder and another one clutched in her hand. I looked up from the counter where I sat, a muffin  
in-front of me next to a steaming cappuccino, and lowered my ipad so that I could see her better.  
As always she had those soft brown eyes, identical to the ones I used to wake up to. I felt a pang  
go through me, but she never seemed to notice. “I need a favour, a really big one!”

“Good morning Courtney”, I said grinning as I glanced at the clock. We had been open for less than  
three minutes, behind the counter Kim was setting up the coffee cups for our regulars, and I heard  
her chuckle a little. “How are you today?”

Courtney skidded to a stop in-front of me and blushed sheepishly. She was a sweetheart, if a little  
absentminded sometimes, and I wondered what the crisis of the day could be. Her outfit, the usual  
for casual Fridays, khaki mixed with old navy, didn’t offer any clues although the bags were an  
interesting twist. I mentally reviewed Courtney’s class schedule, and realized she had maybe five minutes  
with me before she had to bolt to catch the train, if she was planning on making it to class on time.  
On the other hand, if she was planning to make it to class, shouldn’t she have some books?

“I’m sorry”, she said pausing to take a breath. “Good morning, I’m fine, I love you, please help me.”

“What’s wrong?” I asked, setting my ipad down in-front of me. “Is this an in the back talk?”

In the back talks took place in my office, a tiny cubbyhole off the stockroom. Courtney only asked for  
an in the back talk if she had something she didn’t want the staff to hear. While I considered them to  
be my tiny family, that didn’t mean they needed to know everything that was going on. It if was  
something really important, Courtney would ask to go upstairs, since I lived above the shop, but we  
usually had those kinds of talks over dinner. She looked around the store taking in Kim behind the  
counter and Piers on the first level rearranging a display of twilight novels near the railing, and nodded at me.

“If you have a minute”, she said pensively.

“For you, I always have a minute.” I said, leaving the ipad on the counter, Kim would have taken it  
from me soon anyway so she could read her morning gossip column. “let me just get my breakfast.”

I followed Courtney around the counter, not needing to lead since she knew the way, and glanced  
back to make sure it was a normal morning. If anything had been going on, I might have had second  
thoughts about ducking into my office, but on a normal day, Kim could handle the people coming  
in for coffee, and Piers could back her up if there was a rush. Then again, what the devil was I  
thinking? While we did have a steady business throughout the day, the only time we ever had a rush  
was at Christmas. While I loved owning the business, a bookstore with a hint of a café on the ground  
level, it wasn’t the kind of place where things might go wrong or sudden crisis might break out.  
If anything, we might have to special order a book for someone, or heaven forbid, we might run  
out of the biscotti with the chocolate chips in them. It was a fairly drama free work environment.

Courtney took the one chair in my tiny office, so I sat on the desk, cup in one hand plate  
carefully balanced on my knee.

“What’s up?” I asked , she didn’t look really fraught or tearful, so I figured it couldn’t  
be emotional trouble.

“Ok, you know Emrick, the guy I’m dating?” she asked, and I nodded, Emrick had been the boyfriend  
for about three weeks now. “Well, his mum is kind of sick, and he wants to visit her, and he wants  
me to go with him because he thinks I should meet her.”

“Do you need some money?” I asked, Kid’s in college don’t always have a lot.  
“I can get you a ticket if you need one.”

“No, no, that’s not it at all.” She said, shaking her head. “He wants to leave today.”

“And you don’t want to miss class?” I questioned, She’s a good student, and if she told her  
teachers it was a family emergency, I was sure they’d let her out. She didn’t have to tell them it  
wasn’t quite her own family.

“No, I’m all caught up.” She said, shaking her head again. “It’s just that, I have a friend  
coming in from out of town. He called last night, and he’s having some problems and wanted to  
get away from them, so I told him he could come here, but the Emrick called this morning,  
and…, and you know, it’s his mum. I can’t just abandon him, but Niall’s already on his way.”

“Horan?” I asked, she nodded.

Courtney was a communications major, and she’d taken part in a work study program  
with at Syco in London last summer. The work had gone rather well for her, and somehow  
she’d had come out of the whole thing really good friends with Niall Horan, the guy from One Direction.  
The two of them talked on the phone every couple of weeks, and she had gone to a few of their  
concerts with a couple of her friends when their group came through town, but I had passed on  
the offer. I thought their music was ok, if you liked pop, but I’d had tickets to go see a wicked  
that same night. As such, I hadn’t met him yet, and I wondered what exactly she was going to ask  
me to do to bail her out of this.

See, I know I should have told Emrick no, but it’s mum, and I know I should have called  
Niall, but he’s already on his way here.” She said, folding her hands in her lap. She looked at me imploringly.

“And what?”, I asked, “You want me to shoot his plane down?”

“You’re funny,” she said, sticking her tongue out at me. “No, I was wondering if, um..,  
maybe you could meet him at the airport and you know entertain him for a few days.”

“What?” I asked, chewing thoughtfully on my muffin. “Entertain him how? Take him  
to the arcade? He’s like what, Courtney, twelve?”

“He’s twenty,” she said giving me sad puppy dog eyes. “I’m twenty, you entertain me.”

“that’s different,” I said shaking my head. “I know you, and this is a really busy week  
for us. We have some woman coming in for a poetry reading and a book signing, and the  
furniture store is bringing a new sofa for the upper level tomorrow.”

Oh my god did that ever sound lame. I was reaching and she knew it, but I really didn’t  
want to play babysitter to some bored pop star. Maybe we didn’t seem overloaded with work, but  
I still did have a business to run, and day to day stuff to handle.

“And what? Kim can’t handle that?” Courtney asked, raising an eyebrow. Her facial  
expressions were so similar to her brother’s sometimes it was like looking at a clone. “Piers  
suddenly became incompetent? Or is it Quinn and Charlie you don’t trust?”

“that’s not the important question,” I said dodging. My staff could handle anything short  
of the shop burning down. Sometimes I felt more like a fixture than like a boss. “ Courtney , you  
have a classinc problem that girls and guys all over the world deal with all the time. You’re double  
booked, Niall’s your friend I’m and I’m sure he has a mobile, call him, explain to him what  
happened and he can jet off somewhere else. I’m sure he’ll understand, or you can disappoint  
the boy you’ve been dating for three short weeks, instead of putting him above a much longer friendship.”

“Thanks for the guilt trip, mum.” She said dropping the wistfully pleading look.

“Your mother probably told you the same thing when you called her, didn’t she?” I  
asked , and the answering frown told me I was right. “So, you came over here looking for a better answer?”

“Not exactly,” Courtney said, and I knew she was splitting hairs. Courtney always  
came to me when she couldn’t talk to her mother about something, or when her mother gave  
her an answer she didn’t like. She thought for a second, then continued. “It’s not that  
simple, Niall’s got some stuff going on, and he wanted to get away, clear his head. I told him  
he could come here, because no one would think to look for him in Northampton, and that’ll  
give him time to sort himself out.”

“Courtney, he’s a millionaire,” I pointed out. “He can go loads of places where no  
one would think to look for him.”

“But he won’t have friends there,” she said shaking her head.

“He won’t have friends here, either,” I pointed out. “You’ll be off wherever with  
Emrick and his mother.

“But that’s why I want you to hang out with him!” she said, as if I had suddenly  
put everything together. I shook my head.

“No, absolutely not,” I said, standing. “I’m not going to be friends with Niall Horan  
just because you’re too squeamish to tell him you double booked.”

“Why not?” she asked. “loads of girls, and you know guys, like you, would jump at the chance.”

I gave her a withering look, and she had the good sense to squirm uncomfortably in her chair.

“Alright, that’s not exactly what I meant,” she said, looking down. “But why don’t  
you want to do me this one tiny favour? Why are you so against this?”

“It’s not that I’m against this,” I said, but she was right.

Why was I so against this? Courtney was a good judge of character. If she said he was a  
nice bloke, he probably was, but he was also a star. He’d probably want star treatment. Not only  
that, but she wanted me to entertain him. I didn’t want to follow him around like a wannabe, even  
as a favour to her, and I certainly didn’t want to be responsible for keeping the moody, spoiled  
pop star happy. He could pay people for that.

“Yes, you are,” she pointed out.

“Courtney, he’s a year and a half younger than I am,” I pointed out. “We’ve nothing in  
common. Even if I did just drop everything for goodness knows how long you want me to do this.”

“Just a week,” she said, we both knew I was starting to crumble. I really didn’t have  
any good reasons, and she kept chipping away at them. “That’s all, then I’ll be back, and you  
can wash your hands of him.”

“What am I meant to do with him for a week?” I asked. “Take him out clubbing?  
Let him sit around the shop?”

“Go do something fun?” she asked. “heaven forbid you should go out and enjoy yourself.”

“Courtney,” I said, planning to cut off this line of discussion. “It’s not really a good  
time of year for me, alright?”

“It’s never a good time of year for you,” she said, shaking her head. “If I avoided you on  
all the days when it’s not a good time for you, I’d see you about twice a year.”

Both of us were quiet for a minute, while I decided if I wanted to be upset at that  
comment or not She was right of course, but that could be just as irritating.

“Look Sean, I’m not trying to meddle in your life or anything,” she said. “I’m not  
telling you to be his friend, or even like him. I just want you to keep him distracted for a week,  
until I get back. He’s a nice bloke Sean, and he just needs someone to talk to.”

“Yeah, but he’s coming here to talk to you,” I pointed out. “He wants to see  
his friend, he doesn’t even know me.”

I sighed.

“Alright,” I said, as she squealed and hugged me. “I’ll meet him at the airport, I’ll take him  
to get something to eat, and I’ll explain to him why you’re not here. I’ll ask if he wants to do  
anything, but honestly Courntney, I’m not going to just drop everything here and be his new best friend for a week, alright?”

“I love you!” she said hugging me again. “You say that now, because I’m doing you a favour.”

“It won’t be that bad,” she said, following me back into the shop. “you’ll get along great, I swear.”

“I bet,” I said shaking my head. “Despite the fact that we have absolutely nothing in  
common, and I’m almost two years older than him I bet we’ll just get on famously.”

Kim snickered again, amused as ever, by my family drama. I handed her my empty cup  
and plate, and she took them smiling sweetly while muttering comments about lazy bosses not  
washing dishes, only half under her breath.

“You’re not really that much older than he is,” Courtney said, following me around the  
shop as I straightened displays and nodded at patrons. “I mean some of the lads in the band are even older than you are.”

“Band implies musician,” I said absently, wondering why I had let her talk me into this.  
Oh yeah, it was the puppy dog eyes, and that crack about my age?

“Singers are musicians,” she protested, knowing that I was just needling her now.

“Band at least implies instruments,” I said shaking my head at her.

“He plays the guitar,” she said shrugging.

Before I could say anything else, or make any further cracks, the bell above the door  
jingled, and we looked over to see Emrick, all six and a half feet of him, muscling through the  
door frame. You had to hand it to Courtney; she had excellent taste in men. He was huge, friend  
and put this friendly boy next door sort of aura. He looked back and forth between the two of us,  
lumbering through the shop like he was lost, and I caught Piers watching carefully from above  
to see if he would collide with anything. Emrick seemed like a nice enough lad, but he really  
looked like he could be more at home under a bus somewhere, covered in grease and dirt.

“Hey,” he said hugging Courtney, she grunted as he squashed the air out of her lungs.

“Hello, love,” she wheezed, Emrick’s head swiveled on his thick neck toward me.

“Hi, sir,” he said, and I fought the urge to roll my eyes. “sir”. As if I were a fossil already.  
This was how it was going to be with Niall too. Anyone over the age of 21 was practically decrepit to these people.

“Good morning Emrick,” I said pleasantly. “Sorry to hear about your mum.”

“She’ll be alright,” he said shrugging, before he broke out into a grin. “And you know,  
at least she broke her foot in Ibiza, it’ll be like going on holiday.”

“It certainly will,” I said, turning to Courtney. Ibiza? She had this adorably stricken,  
deer caught in headlights look about her face. “Courtney?”

“We’ve got to go,” she said, tugging Emrick toward the door. She pressed a folded  
note into my hand and she slid away from me. “His mum could get worse any second now.”

“No, the doctor’s said she’s fine,” Emrick said, just not getting it. “And she’s got us  
a room right there on the beach.”

“Courtney,” I said again, a little more firmly.

“Sean, I love you,” she called back, jerking Emrick out the door. “I’ll call you when I get back, and thanks!”

I shook my head, watching her go, wondering how I could possibly punish her for  
conning me this badly. I guess I could kind of understand, having been young and impulsive  
once, too, but she being a very good friend to Niall either, and I didn’t appreciate getting  
sweet talked into cleaning up her mess. I sat back down on the counter and unfolded the piece  
of paper, seeing that she had written all of the flight information for Niall’s arrival. Kim, looking  
very goth girl chic in her lacy black dress and heavy mascara, walked over as I sat down.  
She tapped a black lacquered fingernail, filed down to a spade like point that could probably  
slice through the back of my hand like a razor, on the counter and glanced down at the paper.

“What are we looking at boss?” she asked, her black lips curving up in a wry grin.

“A favour for Courtney,” I said, folding it back up and tucking it into my pocket.  
“I promised I’d bail her out.”

“Oh, that was your promising?” Kim asked, straightening the napkin dispenser.  
“because it looked like you getting scammed.”

“I was not getting scammed,” I said defensively. Kim’s carefully plucked eyebrows  
arched up in amusement, and she leaned over the counter a little, calling toward Piers.

“Piers love, how’d that look to you from the balcony?” she asked loudly. It didn’t  
seem to bother any of the cluster of old ladies at the counter, or the few people wandering  
the shelves, so I let the noise go.

“Looked like a scam job ,” Piers called down, grinning, holding a book in each  
hand. He was looking rather Eddie Bauer today in jeans and plaid. The charm of having  
Piers work here was that, more or less, he was just a normal bloke. It added a balance to the staff.

“Aren’t those books set up yet?” I asked sarcastically, glaring up at Piers.  
I redirected toward Kim. “And you, isn’t there something you could be doing? Ringing  
someone up or something?”

“Not really,” she said looking up and down the counter, none of the patrons  
appeared to be in need of help.

“This place is grossly overstaffed,” I grumbled, walking back around the  
counter and into my office. I picked up the inventory reports from the delivery last night  
and started reading them over. I looked up as Kim softly tapped at my doorframe. “Yes?”

“Piers and I are sorry we ragged on you,” she said. She acted quickly to make  
sure I wouldn’t think she had a heart, or a soul. She did, after all have an image as a  
bitter goth priestess to maintain. “We didn’t realize it was your time of the month again.”

“Apology accepted,” I said, sighing. I looked back down at the sheets in-front  
of me. “Did Quinn and Charlie upload all of this last night?”

“Some of it’s still in the back,” she said pointing toward the store room.

“Could you have Piers work on it when he gets done upstairs? I’ll help him  
with it in a second, as soon as I’ve finished looking at these,” I said. “And I’m sorry I was snappy, too.”

“Shit happens,” she said, shrugging, which was at least as good as “Apology accepted.”  
Kim started to walk back to the front, but my voice stopped her.

“I’m going to be out for a little while directly after lunch today,” I said  
looking at Courtney’s folded note again. “Will you lot be alright until I get back?”

“Sure,” she answered, shrugging. “Where are you going?”

“I have to pick up Niall Horan at the airport,” I said, waving the note  
at her. Kim giggled, but then caught the look on my face.

“Blimey, you’re not joking, are you?” she asked, looking rather amused.  
“I had no idea you were so well connected.”

Neither did I,” I said. “I’m doing a favour for Courtney, I reckon I have to take him to dinner also.”

Kim looked at me for a second, thinking, but decided to bite back whatever sarcastic  
comment she was about to make. Both of us knew that any number of people would kill to be  
doing what I was about to, and wouldn’t look at it as an annoying chore, but this just completely wasn’t my thing.

“Good luck with that,” she said finally, walking back out to the front. “Boy did you ever get conned.”

“I heard that!” I called after her.

“You were meant to,” she said, snickering.

Wonderful, not only had I allowed Courtney to con me into babysitting her spoiled  
pop-singing friend for a week so that she could lay on the beach with her hulking mindless  
Adonis of a boyfriend, but I’d give the entire “Dreaming Muse” staff endless fodder for mockery.  
I loved the four of them, but they were coffeehouse kids. They were into emo and angst  
and girl singers with guitars who didn’t shave their underarms or wash their hair. They were  
most certainly not into falsetto crooning bubblegum pop singers. I was never going to  
live this one down. I looked up from my desk at the picture on the wall, Justin and I  
standing in-front of the store on the day we’d opened it three years ago, and I sighed.

“Your sister,” I said, shaking my head.

Courtney was a nice girl, and she usually meant well, but I couldn’t believe that  
she would just pawn off a friend on me, especially a close friend that she said was  
“having some problems.” Despite that, I tried to make the best of it. I went to the airport  
with an open mind, getting there a little early even though I knew the plane would  
probably be late. I had seen Niall on television enough times to figure that I’d be able to  
pick him out no matter what kind of disguise he was traveling in, but, just in case I  
grabbed a box lid before I left and wrote “Niall” on it with big black marker. Kim and  
Piers, ladling out the soup and simple sandwiches we offered for lunch, watched with  
identical sarcastic expressions, but neither said anything, and I gave them a little wave as I left.

I waited at the gate until the flight was called, and then stood calmly at the end  
of the runway, off to the side holding up my little sign. Passengers filled out, not many  
since in the small, chartered plane, looking around for family and friends, and then I saw  
him come down the runway, scanning for Courtney, but finding only me. He was taller  
than I thought he’d be, actually. I kept thinking of him in my head as this twenty year old  
kid, but he was a least as tall as me. Casually dressed in jeans and a t-shirt that he seemed  
to fill out rather well, his eyes were hidden behind shades, and a baseball cap covered  
his head. I caught a frown crossing his face as he saw the sign, and walked over slowly, warily.

“Niall?” I asked, just to make certain.

“Not so loud,” he snapped, looking around. His voice sounded a bit testy, and I already felt irritated. “Who are you?”

“My name’s Sean,” I said holding out my hand. He didn’t take it, and I felt even more  
put off. “Look mate, Courtney’s asked me to come pick you up, alright?”

“Where is she then?” he asked, looking over my shoulder.

“She’s not behind me,” I answered, stepping aside. He crossed his arms, looking irritated as well. “Look, Niall.”

“Will you stop saying my name? Someone could hear you,” he snapped grabbing  
my arm. He began to pull me along toward the baggage claim, and I wrenched my arm out  
of his grip. He looked at me like he couldn’t believe it as I firmly planted my feet on the carpet,  
and I wished I could see behind those stupid opaque glasses. “What?”

“Look, I’m sorry I keep saying your name out loud,” I said not bothering to keep  
the bite out of my tone. “Courtney didn’t really give me a briefing on celebrity handling,  
so I guess I’m not up on my do’s and don’t’s.”

“Well what did she tell you?” he demanded. “Because she told me she’d be here.”

“Well, as she’s obviously not,” I said, watching him fulfill every bad feeling I’d already  
had about this. He was a spoiled brat, immature and overindulged, and now he was throwing  
a tantrum because things weren’t going his way. “Look, oh nameless one, her boyfriend’s  
mother is sick. She wanted to be here to meet you, but she had to fly out with him to see her,  
and she asked me to pick you up.”

“She didn’t say anything to me about that on the phone last night,” he said, crossing  
his arms. I wanted to push him backward down the escalator.

“It just happened this morning,” I said. “She’s going to be out of town for a couple of days.”

“Oh, that’s just bloody great!” he said, throwing up his arms and walking away. He  
turned around, face twisted in frustration. “What am I supposed to do? Just wait around for  
her? She said she’d be here to meet me!”

He looked almost like he wanted to cry, and I’d had about enough.  
Out of deference to Courtney, I gave it one last shot.

“She asked if I would take you to a hotel, and maybe out to dinner, and keep  
you company,” I said carefully, icicles dripping from my mouth.

“That’s really nice of her,” he sneered. “I don’t need a damn babysitter, I need my friend!”

“Alright then,” I said throwing the sign with his name at his trainers. “You don’t  
need a babysitter? Guess what? I don’t need to babysit you!” I told Courtney I’d meet you  
at your plane, and I have. As far as I’m concerned, my job is done. Welcome to  
Northampton, nameless boy, enjoy your stay.”

Fists clenched, I brushed past him, and stalked toward the escalators.  
He jumped out of my way, standing there with his bag, looking annoyed, confused  
and surprised all at once. I wondered if having people tell him “no” was a new  
experience. As I stepped onto the top stair, I head him behind me.

“What am I supposed to do now?” he called.

“Grab a taxi out front, and go find yourself a hotel,” I said. “Beyond that,  
I honestly don’t care.”

“Good!” he snapped defiantly, just before I sank completely out of view,  
people were staring at the two of us, and he sounded more like a petulant child than ever.  
“I don’t care either!”

I stomped back to my car, certain that I was completely done with him. Courtney was going to get such a piece of my mind when she got back.


	2. bad babysitter

I was still upset when I got back to the shop, pulling my mini into the garage across the street,   
where I held a rental spot. I usually didn’t drive, since it was a pain in the arse finding a spot to   
park in most of the time, but I thought that maybe Niall wouldn’t want to ride on the train with   
all his bags. Obviously my kind thoughts had been a complete waste of time, and I had subjected   
myself to Birmingham’s twisting rat maze of streets and narrow roadways for no reason at all.   
I knew it was only a matter of time before I gave up the my car entirely, but I wasn’t from the   
city, I’d grown up in a small town up north, where people only drove out of necessity, since   
nothing was ever nearby, and I found old habits hard to break.

When I came stalking back into the shop, Kim was still behind the counter. It was more   
or less her domain. The Café area, to the right of the entrance, consisted of five tables for two,   
four booths for four against the right wall. The windows, looking out on the street over the   
displays on the sills, made up the front, and the counter covered the back wall. There were   
six stools along the counter, a till, and a case where we kept the baked goods. We made the   
soups, sandwiches, and coffee ourselves, but the breads, bagles, and baked goods came   
from a bakery in the next block. They delivered through the loading dock in the back in the   
mornings, before we opened, and then Kim put everything where it was supposed to be   
when she came in, an hour before the front doors opened. Kim was the only full time staff,   
besides myself, and she was in charge whenever I was gone.

When we had a performer or a reading, we sat them up in the café area, as that was   
the most open space, and the acoustics were good, because of the ceilings, so if we were   
really full, people could walk upstairs and lean on the railing. The rest of the ground floor,   
and all of the first floor , was taken up with shelves. Fiction was on the first floor and   
non-fiction was on the ground floor. With a children’s section tucked away in the far corner   
of the first floor. There was a large puffy chair there, surrounded by small bean bags and   
overstuffed pillows, and once a week a lady named Anne came in as a volunteer and did a   
story hour. We had started it a year ago, at Charlie’s suggestions, and it had proved fairly   
popular. We gave Anne free refreshments when she came in, and an employee discount   
on anything in the shop, and she brought in extra business for us. While the kids listened   
to a story, their parents usually bought something, and it also helped us feel a little more   
connected to the neighbourhood.

Justin and I had been lucky to find this building, which was so perfect for the business   
we had in mind. Some of the people we went to school with had written it off as a pipe dream,   
but the two of us were determined. We had a vision, and a plan. Justin had a business dregree,   
which came in quite handy, and I had a literature degree, which, while very applicable to working   
in a bookstore, wasn’t very useful out in the real world. Luckily, when I had Justin, I didn’t have   
to live there. We started planning our second year of college, drawing up plans, working out   
the logistics, and lining up loans for the building and for start-up capital. The building we ended   
up finding had been a fairly popular disco in the seventies, but had been closed for much of   
the eighties. In the nineties, urban renewal started to clear up that part of town, and we got a   
mortgage on the building right before the cost of real-estate started to really climb. Still things   
were a bit tight, and to save money we lived on the second floor loft, making do.

Kim, Piers, Quinn, and Charlie, the Dreaming Muse family, had been with us since the   
beginning, the entire two and a half years the store had been open. Kim worked full time, and,   
in the beginning, so had Justin and I. Piers and Quinn and Charlie were all part-timers, college   
and university students who had started with us when they were freshmen. The three of them   
lived in Northampton year ‘round, but their hours shuffled a bit depending on the term and their   
class schedules. I knew the day was coming when they would graduate and move on, and I’d   
have to hire new staff, and I looked on it with dread. The five of us, formerly six, had been   
through so much together that it was difficult to imagine walking in every day and not seeing   
them. We had inside jokes, and we shared our good and bad times. We watched out for one   
another, and we were loyal to each other. The patrons sensed it, too, and the regulars seemed   
to enjoy the family atmosphere.

Kim didn’t say anything as I streaked by the counter, more or less flying into my office,   
but I caught her throwing Quinn a look. Piers had gone directly after the lunch rush, which the   
three of us handled together, and Quinn was perched on a stool by the till, flipping through a   
textbook, legs crossed demurely. Today she was going for a catholic school girl look, plaid   
pleated mini, and a cleavage hugging jumper, but tomorrow could just as easily be glam diva,   
club kid, skater girl or preppy sorority sister. Each of the staff brought something different to   
the group, and to the atmosphere. Piers had iron control of the back stock room, and could tell   
you where anything in the store was off the top of his head. Charlie, all tie dyes and flora skirts,   
usually worked with the performers, making sure we had enough benefits to save the rain   
forests, and feed the hungry of the world. Quinn knew every customer by name, even if they   
had only been in the shop once, and had an uncanny gift for evaluating their needs as soon as   
they came through the door.

Quinn’s outfit hadn’t really registered with me when she came in, right before I went to   
the airport, but now that I was back, it put me in mind of Cher Lloyd, which had me thinking of   
Niall and his little tantrum at the airport, and I found myself even more upset as I closed my office   
door behind me. There wasn’t anything needing immediate attention on my desk, no messages,   
although there was a packet Charlie had brought in earlier with prices for computers and more   
web access. We were thinking of that web café, but I wasn’t certain I wanted to go in that direction   
yet. There was already a web café up the street, and it would cut down on some of the conversation   
and intimacy of our little area. People who came would attract quieter types, and shift our   
dynamic a little. Computer usage and times would also be something that had to be monitored,   
which I wasn’t certain I wanted the staff to deal with.

I dialed Courtney’s mobile before I did anything else, and just got her voicemail. She’d   
probably switched her phone off on purpose just to thwart me, not because you weren’t supposed   
to turn them off inside an airplane.

“Hello Courtney, I went to the airport to meet your friend, the spoiled pampered twat,   
and I told him you wouldn’t be there. I’m not certain where he is now, since I left him mid tantrum   
near the baggage claim, but you better not ask me for a favour for a really, really long time after   
this,” I kissed, gritting my teeth. At the last minute I melted a little. “Also, I do hope the trip is going   
well, and that you’re enjoying yourself.”

After hanging up, I looked around my office, and realized that if I kept sitting there   
I would just grow more upset. The unmitigated gall of some people, to snap at a perfect stranger   
just because they said your name, and had the basic decency to pick you up at a strange airport   
in a town where you didn’t know anyone. How was I meant to know I wasn’t meant to do that?   
Courtney hadn’t written it on any of her instructions anywhere, and really what were the odds   
that someone recognized him, anyway? What kind of an ego was he carrying around with him?   
I was still willing to be that these guys walked around all the time, in heaps of places, and   
nobody said a word to them. And then to follow it up with that childish snapping! Ugh!

I stormed out of my office and looked around frantically for something to do. Kim,   
behind the counter, was drying off some glassware with a hand towel and putting it away. Quinn   
was off in the shelves helping someone locate a book, so I went over to the till and began   
obsessively straightening the displays on the counter. The business cards were already in a neat   
stack, but my mind insisted that it could have been a little neater. After those, I turned to the   
bookmark rack, making sure all the ones hanging on each hook were identical, and that people   
hadn’t been moving them around again as they sometimes did when they looked at one and   
then put it back. I had been doing this for maybe two minutes when I looked up and saw Quinn   
standing on the other side of the counter smirking. Glancing over, I saw Kim was doing the same   
thing as she continued drying the glassware.

“What?” I asked

“Nothing,” Quinn said, shrugging. “Just wondering how the bookmarks managed to offend you.”

“Does everyone who works here have something clever to say about everything   
I do today?” I asked, glaring at her.

“Isn’t that a job requirement?” Quinn asked, shrugging. She crossed her arms, squashing   
her breasts upward into the V of her jumper, and I saw a teenage boy up on the first floor glance   
over appreciatively. “Do you want to tell us what’s wrong, or should we let you keep barreling   
around the shop until you break something?”

“What makes you think anything’s wrong?” I asked. Quinn tilted her head to the side.

“Other than your tone of voice?” she asked, eyebrows arched sarcastically.

“Your body language is screaming,” Kim added.

I looked crossly at both of them, wondering why, whenever I was already in a foul   
mood, everyone seemed determined to make it worse. Then again, they were just behaving   
normally, and I was reading into it because I was already in a foul mood. Either way, I realized   
the circular logic would just keep coming around to my foul mood, and shook my head.

“Why is everyone always so damn touchy feely around here?” I asked, walking away   
from the till, surrendering Quinn’s stool back to her. “I’m going to my office.”

“It’s not good to keep things that are bothering you inside,” Quinn called after me.   
“you can talk to us about it.”

“Or you could just continue abusing inanimate objects,” Kim suggested as I shoved   
a chair roughly back into place.

As soon as I was in my office they both appeared, blocking the doorway, a study in   
contrasts wearing identical expressions.

“Alright, out with it,” Quinn said, crossing her arms again. “What’s the problem?”

“Bad day at the airport?” Kim asked. “He was a douche wasn’t he?”

“Did he sing in the car?” Quinn asked. “Or offer you a signed copy of J-14”

“Did you tell him to piss off?” Kim continued.

“Enough!” I said, holding up my hands. The two of them giggled, and I wondered if maybe   
we should hire another lad or two. The store was really heavy on estrogen. “Alright, I’m sorry I came   
back in a terrible mood and more or less took it out on you two, but yes, he was a tosser, and it annoyed the hell out of me.”

“What happened?” Quin asked, as the two of them waited, both glancing back to see if   
anyone needed anything in the shop.

“Nothing really,” I said, getting up. There were things I could be working on, and we could   
just keep having this discussion out there. The place wasn’t that big. “He’s pissed that Courtney   
wasn’t here, and he threw a bit of a tantrum because I used name in public.”

“They’re all jerks about things like that,” Quinn said, twisting her long straight hair into a   
pony tail. I was amused to notice that she actually had one of those elastics with the enormous   
plastic balls on it, to complete her school girl look.

“Because you deal with so many celebrities,” Kim said, rolling her eyes because she back to the dishes.

“No, it’s like that time I met Dougie Poynter at this club,” Quinn said, shrugging as she rang   
someone up. “I was talking to him, and we were dancing, and stuff and he got all pissed off because I   
called him Douglas and I guess you’re only meant to call him Dougie, thanks for shopping Dreaming   
Muse, please come again.”

Kim and I glanced at each other, both thinking the same thing. If it was true of Dougie Poynter   
and of Niall Horan, then it must be true of all celebrities that they’re all jerks about name related issues.   
After all, we now had a sampling of two.

“You never told us about that,” I said carrying a spray bottle and paper towels to the front windows.

“I didn’t?” Quinn asked, popping a stick of gum into her mouth. Kim and I both shook our heads.   
“Oh, I thought I did, I guess I’ve done now haven’t I”

“Anyway, Sean what happened at the airport?” Kim asked, redirecting.

“After the tantrum?” I asked, wiping fingerprints off the door glass. They both nodded.   
“I kind of told him to get his own taxi out front, and I left him at the airport.”

“Wow,” Kim said as Quinn let out a low whistle. “you know you’re going to be in heaps of   
trouble for that with Courtney right?”

“Courtney can do her own dirty work from now on,” I said, shrugging. “it’s bad enough   
dealing with her sometimes, without having to deal with her friends.”

“I always wondered what those blokes were like in real life.” Quinn said absently, opening   
up a magazine. “Figures they’d be pricks.”

We spent the rest of the afternoon doing regular stuff, straightening up, helping patrons,   
that sort of thing. Around give Kim started getting fresh coffee ready again, and Quinn brought the   
microphone and speakers out of the back on their little trolly. We had a poetry reading that evening.   
Some woman who’s name escaped me and who, honestly, I thought was actually a fairly bad poet.   
She breezed in right before six, looking a bit airy, as if she’d just been dropped off by a bohemian   
tour bus and had not had time to wash her ratty braids. I had spent about an hour looking over her   
book, a fairly slim volume that I couldn’t believe had published, and was torn in the evaluation of her   
work, unsure of wether I would say it was more Dr. Seuss or greeting card.

“May I walk around the shop for a bit?” she asked, not taking off her shades. I stared into   
them, below her braided leather headband, and kind of absently nodded. “I need to get a feel for   
the vibes in here, I have to sync my aura.”

“Of course you do,” I said, nodding again, somehow managing to keep all traces of sarcasm from my voice.

Behind us Kim was standing at the counter pretending to be a mime trapped in a box,   
doubtlessly feeling her own aura, and I almost chocked smothering my laughter. If I didn’t know   
that some local poetry appreciation group was guaranteed to show, and that we could count on   
selling at least a few copies of this woman’s work, especially with her personally dedicating them to   
people, I would have pushed her out the door. My patience wore thin at this point of the day, but it   
was also actually a bit funny. Quinn greeted the poetry fans warmly as they shuffled in, shades and   
berets in places, looking suitably jaded and bohemian, and Kim happily served up the coffee and biscotti.

“Charlie lined this up, didn’t she?” Quinn whispered when I walked by.

“Of course she did,” I said shrugging.

“The next lesbian that looks at my boobs gets decked,” Quinn said. “Nothing personal, but my face is up here.”

The crowd was a bit heavy on the lesbians, now that she mentioned it. A lot of short hair and   
wide shoulders abounded, and it looked almost stereotypical. I mentally smacked myself, realizing   
that so many of the poems had been about men destroying things, and women living peacefully as   
earth mothers. The clues couldn’t have been more obvious, but of course I’d be oblivious, mentally   
agreeing that yes, all men were liars, and scum. Maybe there was a reason why I hadn’t dated in a   
while, As the reading began, I joined Kim behind the counter, surveying the crowd who seemed to be enjoying themselves.

“I think I’m going to my office and work on some, I don’t know, something,” I said,   
starting to slide away. She grabbed my arm.

“Don’t you dare leave me out here!” she kissed, before turning and smiling to a customer. “Refill? Of course.”

“It’s not as if you’re alone,” I whispered back, both of us clapping as the alleged poet   
finished a reading about a dead bird under a broken flower. “ Quinn’s out here too.”

“Quinn’s ready to kill the next girl that looks at her rack,” Kim whispered.

“She shouldn’t have put her rack out if she doesn’t want people looking at it,” I observed.   
“Really, you ‘ll be ok. I just can’t stand out here and listen to any more of this.”

“You?” she asked, eyes bulging. “This is awful! I’m ready to commit suicide.”

“Isn’t that part of being gothic?” I asked, smirking. She glared at me.

“Isn’t supporting your lesbian sisters part of being gay?” Kim fired back.

“That woman is NOT my sister,” I said, grinning.

As I slipped into my office I heard the bell above the front door jingle, as figured it   
must be a fan arriving a bit late, or it could be an actual customer. We were after all, still open,   
and sometimes people saw something going on through the windows and came in from   
outside. I didn’t give it a second thought as I sat down at my desk and began looking over   
invoices for the bakery, but before I got very far into them I heard a tapping at my door. Looking   
up I saw Quinn, and wondered if she was alright. She was trying really hard to maintain the   
friendly yet incredibly poised persona she tried to people, but she looked a bit unsettled,   
and I wondered if maybe one of the poet’s braids had caught on fire or something. She’d   
been leaning awfully close to the candles.

“Sean, you have a, um,” she began, unconsciously twirling a strand of her hair.   
“Somebody wants to talk to you.”

“Is something wrong?” I asked, standing. She shook her head.

“No, not exactly,” she began. “But Niall Horan is out at the counter talking to Kim,   
and he wants to talk to you. I don’t think anyone’s noticed him yet.”

I wasn’t sure what the reaction from the indie poet crowd would be, but figured   
it would be better for the shop not to find out.

“Bring him back here,” I said, standing, while I wondered what the devil he wanted.   
I’d just stopped being upset over what happened earlier, damn it.

I wheeled back in my chair as Quinn brought him around the counter, and was   
amused to note that he had changed his clothes, and that he actually looked a bit pensive.   
Now he was wearing a plain dark turtleneck and a pair of cords, and he held a matching   
baseball cap in his hands, twisting it a little. I hadn’t noticed before, being too busy getting   
mad, but he was sort of cute in person. His short blonde hair gleamed under the lights, and   
when he actually made the effort to smile, his face lit up a bit. I also hadn’t been able to see   
his eyes before, behind the sunglasses, but they were as bright blue in person as they ‘d   
looked in all the times I saw him on the tele or the front of a magazine. He looked good, but young.

“Mr. Cullen, Mr. Horan to see you,” Quinn said formally, pushing him forward a little   
with hand on his shoulder. She vanished before I could remind her that he didn’t like people use his name.

“Yes?” I asked, not standing. I kept my voice neutral, mainly because I was curious.

“Can I, can I talk to you?” he asked, reaching for the door.

“Certainly,” I answered, leaning back. I didn’t cross my arms, remembering what   
Kim had said earlier about my body language. “There isn’t another chain.”

“There’s not really room for one,” he observed. He closed the door and leaned back   
against it. Out in the shop, I heard people clapping again, and figured I’d just missed another   
page long ode to broken pottery or the cleansing rush of motherhood. I’d kill for a big,   
butch para to come in and read something about crawling through the mud and shooting people. “This is a nice store.”

Thank you,” I said, waiting. “Did you want to buy something?”

“No, I wanted to talk to you,” Niall repeated.

“How did you find me?” I asked, curious. Had he called Courtney? She hadn’t called   
me back, and I felt a surge of annoyance at the idea that she would return his call over mine.   
I was family, damn it, more or less.

“You, um, on the box lid that you wrote my name on, it had the name and the address   
of the store on the back,” he said uncertainly, still holding the hat. I think he could tell that I was   
getting a bit irritated. “I didn’t know your surname, so I asked the girl at the front if Sean worked   
here, and, you know, here I am.”

“Yes,” I agreed. “Here you are.”

Niall sighed.

“I wanted to come talk to you because we sort of got off on the wrong foot,” Niall   
began. “I thought about it, and, you know, what you said when you came to meet me, and I   
thought maybe you could take me out to dinner after all.”

I blinked, unsure as to wether or not I’d heard him correctly.

“Is that a joke?” I asked finally, his gall was amazing.

“Uh, well,” he began, looking confused.

“Was that meant to be an apology?” I barked. “We got off on the wrong foot, and   
could I please take you out to dinner? What the bloody hell?

“Wait a second, alright,” he began, holding his hands, his voice rising a bit as well.   
“Maybe I didn’t phrase that completely right.”

“You could try again,” I suggested.

“Why?” he demanded. Why wouldn’t the two of us talk to each other without snapping?   
We’d spoken twice now, and both times we were ready to slap each other after about thirty   
seconds. “it’s not like I’m the only one who needs to apologize for something.”

“Oh, so you thought you’d just come down here and demand an apology from me,”   
I said standing. “Just who the hell do you think you are?”

“What’s your problem?” he asked, stepping closer. “Are you always like this, what’s wrong with you?”

Before I could answer and explain that I wasn’t the one who had anything wrong   
with me, because I wasn’t the spoiled brat playing prima donna in a stranger’s office, we were   
interrupted by a knock on the door. I jerked it open and saw Kim standing there with her arms   
crossed, frowning.

“What?” I barked. Niall and I both glared at her, and she gazed back levelly.

“I’m not sure if you two noticed, but we’ve a poetry reading going on,” she said icily,   
and I realized that behind her, the entire store was glancing toward us. The hippie lady was   
standing at the microphone paging through her book, probably looking for something about   
the shouting patriarchy. “Think library, boys. Think quiet. Think inside voices. Do you hear what  
I’m saying, Sean? Because we can hear you bickering through the door.”

Niall and I glanced at each other, both flushing a bit, the rug pulled out from under our argument.

“Terribly sorry,” I said, making an apologetic gesture with my hands.

“We’ll, um, we’ll try and keep it down,” Niall said quickly. “Sorry.”

“Yeah, sorry again, please, keep reading,” I said pulling the door closed.

Niall and I looked at one another, and I thought about the look on Kim’s face. I tried   
to swallow my giggles, but suddenly Niall was giggling, too, and I lost it. The two of us   
leaned on each other, his hand on my shoulder, and tried to keep it down, holding our   
hands over our mouths. His eyes glistened, and both of our faces were red.

“We just got in trouble,” he snickered whispering.

“Big trouble,” I agreed, wiping at my eyes. “The hippie lady’s probably reading about us right now.”

“We’re in bad trouble,” he giggled, and all I could do was nod. We both collected   
ourselves for a second, and then started again. “Look, Sean, what I was trying to say before   
was, um, I’m sorry that I was rude to you at the airport. I was expecting Courtney, and it   
caught me off guard when you showed up instead.”

“Apology accepted,” I said, stepping away from him, I sat back down in my chair and   
waited to see what else he had to say. He was looking at me expectantly, but I just raised my   
eyebrows, and he squirmed uncomfortably.

“I also, you know, I snapped at you because you used my name, and you didn’t   
know any better,” He said, jamming his hands into his pockets and looking down at his shoes.   
I must have made a sort of face, because he continued quickly. “I was afraid that if you said   
my name at the airport someone might recognize me, and , you know, sometimes when   
that happens there can be a problem with, crowds and stuff.”

Now that he said it, it made complete sense, and I felt a bit horrid about the way   
I’d treated him. Not enough to apologize, yet, because I wasn’t the one who’d caused the   
problem to begin with. He was rude first, not me, and I didn’t care how childish that attitude   
was, because I wasn’t the child here.

“I didn’t think of that,” I said unapologetically.

“That’s alright,” he said softly, but I saw his eyes narrow as he caught the fact that I still   
hadn’t said I was sorry for anything. “And what I said before didn’t come out quite right, either.   
I didn’t mean that I wanted you to buy me dinner. I meant that I wanted to buy dinner, to make   
up for yelling at you and pissing you off, but I don’t know any restaurants here, so I was kind   
of hoping you could pick one out. That’s what I meant.”

“I don’t know Niall,” I began. He sounded sorry, he really did, but we still didn’t have   
anything in common. I didn’t know him, and I wasn’t sure I even wanted to. He was just some   
moody kid, and I still didn’t want to spend the next couple of days babysitting him because   
Courtney felt like being selfish. He looked at me seriously, though, his face twisted a little.

“Look Sean, I’m trying alright?” he said, his voice a bit tight. “It’s just, I was upset   
about some stuff, and like I said, you caught me off guard, and I’m sorry I was rude to you.   
You’re the only person I know in Northampton, and I don’t even really know you, and I’m   
sorry that I let things get off to a bad start with us, because I’m not usually like that. I don’t   
know if you’re getting your rocks off on making me squirm and apologize or whatever, but  
I’m trying to do the right thing.”

He looked at me for a second, but I was so surprised I couldn’t speak. I had no   
idea that I had hurt his feelings. I didn’t think people like him usually had feelings. After   
all, he was so far above people like me I couldn’t believe that my disapproval could actually   
affect him in any way. He swallowed, looking at me sadly, and turned toward the door.   
His hand was on the knob when I finally found my tongue again.

“Niall wait,” I began, standing. “I should apologize too, I kind of already had this   
picture in my head of the way you would act, and I guess I jumped at the first chance you   
gave me to prove it was right. I was pretty rude too, and I’m not usually like that either. Truce?”

I held out my hand, remembering how he didn’t take it at the airport, but he took   
it now, his grip firm, and he smiled as I let my mouth curl into a tentative grin as well.

“Truce,” he said. “What do you want to do now?”

“Well,” I sighed, pausing to think. “Courtney seemed to think that you and I would   
get along, and she’s usually a good judge for that kind of thing, so maybe we should give   
it a shot. If you’re willing, I’d like to take you out to a nice restaurant, and be your babysitter for the evening.

He grinned even wider.

I still don’t need a babysitter,” he said, opening the door. “But I would love a dinner date.”

“Let me get my keys,” I said, pulling them off the desk top.

Wait, did he just say “date”?


	3. Starting Over

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the long gap between updates, I got really busy with school so I haven't had many chances to get on and  
> post the new chapters.
> 
> as always you can read the story to it's most current chapter on my tumblr.  
> Tomli-the-great.tumblr.com
> 
> any comments or constructive criticisms are as always appreciated.
> 
> oh also, sorry for any grammatical errors, I don't actually have a beta  
> I try and go over anything before posting it but well...yeah

Niall walked out from behind the counter and leaned against it, arms back behind him, soaking in a bit of the poetry reading. A few of the people in the audience glanced at him, one or two with a bit of a sneer, but I assured that was more to due with our minor disruption than it was from anyone recognizing him. Quinn was watching him intently from her perch by the till, and I was assumed to note that while I was in talking to Niall she had shaken her hair out of the casual pony tail she had twisted it into earlier, and had produced lip gloss from somewhere in her purse. Kim, on the other hand, seemed barely conscious of Niall’s existence, and was watching me carefully as I shut off the light in my office. I walked over to her, trying to read the expression on her face.

“Did you win?” she whispered, leaning over. The crowd broke into applause again, and the poet closed her book, moving over toward the front, where Quinn had a chair set up and a stack of books waiting.

“Win what?” I asked, catching Quinn’s eye. I raised an eyebrow, and she gave me a thumbs up to let me know that she had the book signing under control.

“The argument,” Kim answered, glancing over at Niall. He was waiting in line behind a few people for his chance to talk to the poet. As if sensing our eyes on him, he turned and smiled, nodding at us as he put his hat back on.

“We called a truce,” I said, shrugging. “We both apologized, and we’re going to go to dinner and see if we can clear the air between us a little.”

Kim smirked at me, as if waiting for the other shoe to drop.

“What?” I asked. “Say it.”

“Say what?” she asked, nodding at a patron who handed her a coffee cup. Before I could demand an explanation, Niall rejoined us at the counter.

“I apologized to the poet lady,” he said, smiling. He really was a cute kid, sort of, and he didn’t seem to have any problems at all filling out that turtleneck. “Are you ready to go?”

“Sure,” Kim answered for me. “See you in the morning.” She called after me as we turned away.

I nodded to Quinn and to the guest reader on our way out, wondering if the woman would ever say a good thing about us again, or if she would tell everyone that the owner got in an argument during her reading and disrupted everything. The small crowd didn’t seem to mind either way, and I noticed that a lot of the guys had that expression that screams, “I’m here because my girlfriend said that I had to come.” They were all doing a really good job of looking jaded and poetic, though. Niall followed me out onto the sidewalk and fell into step alongside me.

“Where are we going?” he asked, looking around. It wasn’t very long after dark, and the store was in a fairly safe part of town, so I figured we would be ok on the sidewalks.

“There are some pretty good restaurants a couple of blocks from here,” I said, pointing up the streets. Both of us had our hands jammed in our pockets, and were kind of ambling along, not in a hurry. “Do you like seafood?”

“I guess so,” Niall answered, shrugging. “I mean, I’ll eat almost anything. I guess seafood’s alright.”

“Well, where we’re heading there’s heaps of choices really, I was just wondering if you were in the mood for anything in particular, or if that would be alright.”

“Wherever you want to go is fine,” he said, smiling brightly. I giggled, and he cocked his head to the side, curious. “What?”

“Nothing,” I said, shaking my head. “it’s just, you know, you don’t have to try so hard to apologize. It’s ok to disagree with me.”

“I don’t know,” Niall began, staring at me innocently, eyes wide. “Last time I disagreed I got yelled at in your office, and then the time before that I got ditched at the airport. I don’t know if I feel like getting pushed into oncoming traffic, aswell.”

“Oh, you’re funny,” I said, grinning at him. “I said I was sorry, ok?”

“You’re right, you did,” he agreed. “ Seafood is fine. Maybe I could get some chowder or something.”

“Sure,” I said, shrugging. I wasn’t sure what else to say to that, as it didn’t really seem to have a need for a response. The two of us continued to walk along, Niall looking around at the sights while I glanced at him every once in a while. We didn’t really know anything about each other, but after the two screaming matches in a row I wasn’t really sure how to break the ice.

“So, um, you work in that bookstore?” Niall asked.

“Sort of,” I answered as we rounded the corner. There’s a restaurant a couple of stores down that I knew was good, and which would also be quiet at this time of day. It was off the beaten track, so there would just be neighbourhood people there, and they wouldn’t give Niall a second glance. “I own it.”

“Really?” Niall asked, surprised. I nodded. “Wow, that’s kind of cool. You own the whole thing?”

“Yeah,” I answered, nodding.

“How old are you?” he asked. I blinked at him. “Well, you know, it seems pretty successful, and I was just, that seems really impressive for someone as young as you.”

“As young as me?” I asked, he nodded. “Niall I’ll be twenty two this year.”

“That’s not old,” he said, shrugging. I held the door of the restaurant open for him, smiling.

“Maybe I’ll buy you dinner,” I said grinning. He laughed.

“Maybe I’ll let you,” he said, grinning back. He had a nice smile too.

“Sean darling, hello” the waitress said, walking over from where she’d been talking to the bartender. It was a small place, and I ate there often. “Two tonight!”

“Yeah,” I said, eyes narrowing at her obvious surprise. Did everyone I knew have to make such silent, and not so silent, judgments about everything I did? I looked at Niall as we took our seats. “Chowder?”

“Sure,” he said smiling.

“Jay, can we have two big bowls, and some bread?” I asked. Jay nodded. It was the kind of place where you didn’t really need a menu, and she didn’t write anything down. “Could I have a tea, as well?”

“Certainly dear,” she said, patting my shoulder. Jay was a bit, grandmotherly type. “And what can I get you sunshine?”

“Could I have a pint?” he asked.

“Sure love,” she said, smiling at us both. “I’ll have those drinks out straight away.”

Jay walked away, and Niall looked around the restaurant, which was really more of a pub. Following his eyes, I looked, too. There were a few couples at the tables, and a few people who lived around the neighbourhood eating along. I recognized a couple of the guys at the bar as regulars, and imagined that they had been there for a while, although I didn’t know for certain. I usually didn’t make it down here for a few hours. The tables were thick wood, scarred and scratched, and Jay brought the drinks out in plain glasses, setting a basket of bread in the middle of the table. We both nodded a thank you and Niall looked at me evenly over the top of his beer as he took in it’s scent.

“Does my age bother you?” he said finally.

“Why would it?” I asked, pulling a roll out of the basket.

“I don’t know,” Niall answered. “But you keep bringing it up. You keep talking about babysitting me, is it some kind of an issue for you?”

I was about to say that it wasn’t true, but I realized that he was right. I did keep bringing up his age, although I wasn’t sure why. He was a grown adult, at least physically, and mentally he hadn’t acted any less maturely than I had, but somehow, in my head, I just kept thinking of him as a kid. I was being unfair, and I really needed to give him even more credit for bringing it up and calling me out on it without getting into another argument. I sighed.

“I don’t mean to insult you, Niall.” I said. “And I don’t know why I keep bringing it up, really. I guess, I don’t know, I just don’t see that we really have much in common, and you being so much younger than I am is part of that.”

“I’m not a kid though,” Niall said. I know I’m only twenty, but I’ve done more than a lot of people twice my age. I’ve been places, and seen things. I’m not just some lost spoiled brat. I have, I guess you’d call it life experience.”

“I know,” I said, nodding. “I’m aware of that, and , like I said, I didn’t mean to insult you, and I apologize if I did.”

The two of us were quiet for a moment as Jay returned to the table, carrying two steaming bowls of clam chowder. Being dinner sized, they were rather large, the stoneware bowls thick and heavy. They made a thudding noise as she set them on the table, and she waited patiently for us to stir them and then take a taste.

“Is it good?” she asked, waiting.

“Excellent , thank you,” Niall answered, and I nodded. Jay beamed and wandered off to check on another table. Niall turned back to me as I crumbled a handful of crackers over my bowl. “You’re wrong you know.”

“About the soup?” I asked. “All I did was nod, but it is good.”

“No, about you and me,” Niall answered, taking another spoonful of his chowder. It was thick, full of clams, and I’d yet to be disappointed eating here. “You said we don’t have anything in common, but we do have Courtney.”

“That’s true,” I said, nodding. “You and she are pretty good friends?”

“Yeah, we’re really closer,” Niall said, smiling. “She was a good friend during a, um, a rough time for me, and she really helped me out a lot. She’s good to talk to.”

“Yeah, she is,” I said, nodding. I wondered if whatever she had helped him with before was related to whatever it was that was going on now, but didn’t think I should ask. I did, after all, barely know him, and didn’t want to push.

“We’re kind of more like family,” I answered. I didn’t know if Courtney had shared a lot of her family life with him, or how much she would want to. Then again, if she wanted me to hang out with Niall (I mentally checked myself from using the word ‘babysit’ again) she must have assumed that at some point he and I would have to talk about something. “You could say I’m her brother in law.”

“Really?” Niall asked, cocking his head to the side again. I’d noticed him doing that a lot, whenever he had a question, or stopped to think of something, and it was sort of a cute gesture. “I didn’t know Courtney had a sister.”

“Oh,” Niall answered uncertainly, his eyes flickering to my ringless hands. You could almost see the lightbulb go on over his head when it put it together. “Oh!”

I waited to see what he would say, I’m sure he met gay guys before, working in the music and entertainment industry, so I didn’t expect him to jump and leve the table, but you also never really know what people thought. He looked down at his chowder, stirring it, as if it had suddenly become very interesting, and the silence yawned between us.

“Niall?” I asked finally. He looked up, blinking.

“Sorry,” he said, a little sheepish grin crossing his face. “I didn’t meant to go all quiet. I was just, you know, I was thinking, that’s all. I’m cool with it, you now, with you.”

“So glad you approve,” I said, a bit of an edge creeping in.

“That didn’t come out right,” Niall said quickly. “I was thinking about something, and that’s why I didn’t say anything. I didn’t want you to think it was because of what I said. “I don’t have any problems with that at all, actually.”

“Oh, good,” I said, shrugging. Sometimes guy, especially straight guys, got really akward around gay ones, thinking that we’d hit on them, or any number of other stupid misconceptions. Guy’s Niall’s ages, especially, didn’t always act as mature about it as they could have, and I didn’t want the rest of dinner to be really akward. “I don’t really have a problem with it, either.”

He looked up, grinning, and I smiled to let him know that it was ok, and I wasn’t offended.

“So, you said Courtney’s like your sister in law,” Niall said, and I nodded. “Do you have any brothers or sisters of your own?”

“Nope,” I answered. “I’m an only child, my mum and dad live in Scotland, with a couple of dogs and a bunch of cats. How about you, what’s your family like?”

“I have a bit more than you, I guess.” He answered. “there’s my mum and my dad, and my brother Greg and his girlfriend Emilie, they’re a good pair, been together for six years.”

“Any of them sing too?” I asked, curious, Was there a whole stable of Horan’s , like Nick Jonas and his brothers?

“No, thankfully,” Niall answered. I looked at him a little curious, wondering why he sounded so glad that they weren’t following in his footsteps. Wasn’t he proud of what he did? I knew that it wasn’t look as really serious music, but they worked hard at it, regardless.

“You don’t want them to be singers?” I asked. “You don’t want them on stage in shiny clothes with thousands of fans chanting their names?”

Niall laughed, catching the little bit of needling in my tone, but recognizing that it was playful.

“I want them to do whatever makes them happy,” he answered. “I just don’t know if I’d wish this kind of life on them. It’s a lot of hard work, and we’ve given up a lot for it. It’s not always easy, and sometimes I don’t know, sometimes I feel like it would be easier to not be who we are.”

His face seemed to darken a little at that, and I remembered what he and Courtney had both said about him having some problems right now. I wondered if maybe he was thinking of quitting his band, because for a second he looked that unhappy, and a shadow seemed to pass over his face. As quickly as I thought I saw it, though, it was gone and he was smiling again. As I’d noticed before, his face looked a little odd when it was blank, his mouth seeming small and his nose kind of large, but when he smiled it all seemed to balance out somehow, to brighten, and his eyes were almost an electric blue.

“MYy family’s always there for me though,” he said, but it seemed brittle, almost false. If his family was always there for him, why was he flying off to Northampton to hang out with a close friend? Shouldn’t he be with them, or Cher? Every tabloid I saw let me know that they were dating. I didn’t feel like I knew him well enough to ask about any of that, though. “They support what I do. I mean, in the beginning my mum actually toured with us, since I was only sixteen. She didn’t want me out on the road by myself, especially not in America, what about you?”

“Me?” I asked, not following. “I’ve been to London, but that’s it. I haven’t seen the rest of Europe.”

Niall laughed, not just giggling, but outright laughing, and when he saw that I was completely confused he dissolved, laughing even harder.

“I didn’t mean that,” he said, still giggling. “Oh, gods, ‘I’ve been to London.” That’s great Sean. What I was trying to ask, though, was about your family. Are they, um, supportive of you? Of, you know, the whole thing?”

“It’s ok to say it out loud, Niall,” I said, seeing the humor in my misspeaking. “You can say the G word.”

“I didn’t want to, you know, presume something,” he said. “I didn’t know how comfortable you were with that. Sometimes it’s not the right word, or the right way to say it.”

“It’s alright, Niall,” I said again, “But thank you for the concern.”

I hoped it was because he cared about my feelings, and not because he was afraid of pissing me off again.

“My parents aren’t unsupportive,” I answered carefully. “They took the whole gay thing fairly well, and they were always nice to Justin when they saw him, but they’re not ever going to be at the front of the parade or anything. They still love me, and they accepted Justin, but I think they’ve always wished I wasn’t like this.”

Both of us were quiet for a second. Niall was eating more of his chowder even though our bowls were almost empty, his eyebrows scrunched down in thought. I was looking into my bowl, too. I had shared a little bit more than I usually did, and couldn’t figure out how he’d managed to slip right past my wall so easily.

“Justin’s Courtney’s brother?” Niall asked finally. I looked up, and saw that he looked concerned, as if worried about his question.

“Yeah,” I answered, not elaborating. This was a bad area for me, a thing I didn’t really want ot even like to talk about, but I knew he was going to ask.

“That’s how you met Courntey” he asked, and I nodded again, swallowing. My chowder seemed impossibly thick suddenly, or maybe it was the lump in my throat. “I remember how I met her, she started in our office, and I didn’t really notice her at first, but then she got assigned to be my assistant. I had a couple, and she was one of them for the term when she was there, and she and I just hit it off really well. She was so easy to talk to.”

“She’s always been like that,” I said, nodding. “She’s so damn social, and she’s always been the kind of person who’s there when you need someone to listen to you. I love her to death, and Justin did too. I always wondered how she ended up being friends with you.”

“It just sort of happened,” he said, shrugging. “I was going through a rough time then, too, and she listened to me, and helped me feel better.”

“She listens to me, too,” I said, looking down. “I try to return the favour though. That’s how I ended up picking you up.”

“And here we are,” Niall said, smiling. His hands dropped to his lap and he bit his lip nervously. “Can I ask about the rest?”

“You mean Justin,” I said, clarifying, and he nodded. “Can I ask why?”

He swallowed.

“I’m not trying to pry or anything, if that’s what you’re worried about,” Niall said. It’s just that, well, Courtney and I are close friends, and she’s never talked about him. And I saw that you have a picture of him in your office, there at the book shop, but he’s not here. You both talk about him in the past tense, but what happened to him? Did he get sick, or, I don’t know, did he leave? You don’t have to tell me, if you don’t want to, but you just looked so sad there for a minute, and I wanted to know if I could help.”

“I looked at him carefully, and saw that he seemed to be sincere. It wasn’t just morbid curiousity or something, just him being nosy. He was watching me earnestly, his eyes wide, and I thought maybe he did want me to feel better. Wait, wasn’t I supposed to be taking care of him? He didn’t even know me, really.

“I’m not surprised Courtney hasn’t talked to you about him,” I said, folding my hands on the table top. My appetite was sinking fast, anyway. “She barely mentions him to me. It’s her way of dealing with it, I guess. She still comes over and hangs out at the shop, or has dinner up in the loft. She and I walk every day, but there’s always one thing we don’t talk about. It’s a bit odd, actually, because if it wasn’t for Justin, Courtney and I wouldn’t even know one another.”

“Tell me about him,” Niall asked, cocking his head again. “What was he like? I mean, it’s obvious that you love him very much, both of you. How did you meet him?”

“I met Justin in college, my first year,” I said, thinking back. “We went to school in Birmingham, I went on a scholarship, and when I got there I was a shy little thing. I still am, kind of. I’m not extroverted, like you.”

“Were you out?” Niall asked, leaning forward. He pushed his bowl aside, and Jay walked by and picked it up, dropping off another tea and smiling at us. “Did you know you were gay then?”

“Yes, I did,” I answered. “I went to the gay group thing on campus, but it wasn’t really my thing. There didn’t seem to be anywhere that was my scene, so I just kind of kept to myself. I was in this little tiny single room, on the top floor of the building and Justin lived down the hall. He was like the complete opposite of me. He was always in a big group of guys, and I knew he was on the rugby team. I sort of thought, at first, that he was just a dumb jock, but he seemed like a nice guys, and I found out later that he was actually pretty good with numbers. He graduated with a business degree, and he was good at what he did. He was good at everything he did, actually, and there I was, this little geeky kid who didn’t hang out with anyone, and lived in the little closet at the end of the hall, and always had my face buried in a book.”

“You’re not geeky,” Niall said, smiling. I smiled, too, remembering the happy times. “I mean, you know, you’ve got a bit of a build there.”

“Justin’s influence,” I said, shrugging. “I’ve always naturally been skinny, but I was never in the gym before I met him. That was later, though. In the beginning it was just me, and then one day in the cafeteria Justin came and sat down at my table. I knew who he was, because, like I said, he knew everybody, but I had no idea why he was sitting with me. He didn’t have anyone with him, and I don’t think I’d ever seen him up close before. You saw that picture of him Niall. He was hot, and just being that near to him made me feel a little nervous, but it wasn’t just that. He had this confidence, and it just seemed to glow out of him. He said hello, sat down and pulled my book out of my hands.”

“What did you do?” Niall asked, grinning.

“I didn’t know what to do,” I said, giggling a little. “I mean, who does that? He pulled it out of my hands and closed it, and I thought maybe he wasn’t as night as he seemed. It was the kind of thing that a bully would do, that kids had done to me in secondary, but when I looked up, he had this big smile on his face, and I didn’t know what to think. I said, ‘I was reading that,’ and he nodded. He was still smiling, and then he said, ‘You shouldn’t read so much.’”

“Isn’t that sort of the point of college?” Niall asked.

“That’s what I was thinking,” I said. “I was so confused that I didn’t realize it was a chat up.”

“What?” Niall asked, leaning forward.

“It was a chat up,” I answered, grinning. “He said that, and I was like ‘what?’, and he said, ‘you have really amazing eyes, and if you have your face in a book all the time it’s really hard for me to stare at them.’”

“Oh my gods!” Niall said, and I nodded, blushing. “What did you do?”

“I didn’t know what to do!” I said, leaning back. “Actually, I thought it was a joke. I was really pissed, and I grabbed my book, and left. I was sure that he was fucking with me. I mean, he was an athlete, and he was hot. There were girls talking to him all the time, and he was always out at the parties and stuff, and I didn’t think guys like that could even be gay, not outside of cheesy online stories. I was sure that it was some kind of mean trick, and I just didn’t want any part of it.”

“But what happened?” Niall asked, confused. He had his head cocked to the side again.

“He came to my door the next day with flowers,” I answered. “And I closed it in his face, but the next day he came back with more flowers, and the day after that. I told him that I didn’t know what kind of game he was playing, but I wasn’t going to let him make fun of me, and he promised me that, it wasn’t why he was there. Finally, I agreed to meet him in the cafeteria for dinner, because he promised to show me he was serious, and we went down there, and got food, and I waited for the entire dinner for the punch line. I waited for the shoe to drop, and then he got up on his chai, and I knew that was it.”

“What did he do?” Niall asked, waiting.

“He said hello to everyone, and they all said hello back,” I said, remembering how nervous I had been, how everything inside me had frozen in terror. “He knew everyone, and they were all just kind of waiting to see what he was doing, because he was always doing something like that. He was grinning, and he announced to the whole room that he was on a dinner date with me, and it was a real, romantic dinner date, and that I was nervous as hell, and he asked if they could do something to make me feel better. The whole room was quiet for a second, and then people started tapping their glasses like at a wedding, and before I could do anything else, he kissed me. Right there, in front of everyone, and that’s when I knew he was serious.”

“What happened after that?” Niall asked. He was completely caught up in the story, and I realized I was equally caught up in telling it, or had been for a second. I knew where this story was going, though, and I felt icy numbness settling over me.

“We started seeing each other,” I said, shrugging. “He liked me, and I was just in awe of him. He was so perfect, and I couldn’t figure out what he was doing with me. He told me, though, that I was a challenge for him. Everything else was easy for him, everything he ever tried, but he had to work with me, and he said it was worth it. We moved in together my second year, sharing a room and we stayed together. We got the idea for ‘Dreaming Muse’, and it was a dream that grew between the both of us. It combined the things we both loved, and we worked damn hard to get it. Justin wasn’t out to his family yet, but he told them that year, and eventually they came around. I think they thought it was a phase, but after a while they figured out I was kind of permanent. They actually co-signed on our business loan, and that meant so much to the both of us, to know that they loved us, and that they accepted us.”

I was quiet for a minute, and felt my eyes sting a little. Niall folded a hand over mind, startling me.

“Sean, are you alright?” he asked quietly.

“He died, Niall,” I said bluntly. “You don’t have to ask what else happened, Justin died.”

“I’m sorry,” he said, his face twisting in sympathy. I stood abruptly.

“Can we get out of here?” I asked, dabbing quickly at my eyes. I dropped some money on the table, and Niall just dropped more on top of it, putting a hand on my shoulder.

“Let’s go,” he said, squeezing once. “I’ll take you home.”

I nodded a goodbye to Jay, as we left the restaurant.


	4. Out and About

The evening had cooled off a bit while we were in the restaurant. It was getting more toward autumn now, being the end of September, but we’d be fin in what we were wearing, without jackets. There was a bit of a breeze, but the night was clear. There were too many lights in the city to see anything but the brightest of stars, since the rest of the sky was kind of washed out, and that’s how I felt too. Washed out, any time I talked about Justin with anyone I felt like this, cold inside, and hollowed out. Jay called a goodbye as we left, and I nodded, stepping out onto the sidewalk and filling my lungs with air. It felt too tight inside the restaurant, too small, and I wished I hadn’t started thinking about any of this.

“Sean?” Niall asked, follow me. “Are you alright?”

“I’m fine,” I answered quickly, hands jammed in my pockets. “I’m fine,” was my perpetual defense against the world, and flew out of my mouth immediately whenever I was upset. Justin had always been able to see past it, and would always put a bit until he got behind it, but Niall didn’t know me that well.

“You sure?” he asked, and I nodded. “Ok, I’m sorry that I, you know, if you’re upset. I guess I’m just sorry for the whole thing, you know, to lose someone you care about. Is there anything I can do?”

“No, it’s alright Niall,” I said quickly. “It’s fine, I guess I’m just a bit tired.”

I started to walk back toward the store, and Niall fell in beside me, looking like he wanted to help but was uncertain as to how. I smiled at hi, to show him I was fine, and wondered again what he was doing here. Why had he come to Northampton? I knew that their tour had ended in the beginning of September.

“I’m a bit tired, as well,” he agreed. “It’s bit a really long day.”

“Yeah, it has,” I agreed. It felt as if I’d been awake for years. “Did you end up getting a hotel?”

“After you ditched me at the airport?” he asked, smirking.

“Hey, I said I was sorry,” I said, shrugging, but I smiled also.

“I got a suite at the Marriot near the center of town,” Niall said, pointing. “You know, over where the golf course is? It’s kind of nice, but all I did was sit around and watch tele all day.”

“Anything good on?” I asked, feeling somewhat horrid at what I’d done. Niall just grinned.

“Not really,” He answered, shaking his head. We were in front of the shop now, the lights off inside, the doors all locked up, and I reached in my pocket for my keys.

“Hey Niall,” I began, turning to him. “Do you need a lift back to your hotel?”

“I thought I’d catch a taxi,” he answered, watching one drive by. They passed fairly regularly, so I knew he’d be able to snag one. “Thanks for dinner, and, you know, everything else.”

“Not a problem,” I answered. “Thanks for listening to my tired boring stories.

“They weren’t boring,” he said, the streetlight catching on his eyes, it made his face seem to glow a bit, and I turned away reaching for the door. In the reflected glass, I saw a raised hand for a taxi. “Goodnight Sean.”

“Goodnight Niall,” I said, opening the door. I stopped and looked back as he opened the taxi door. “You know Niall, if there’s nothing on the tele tomorrow, and you’d like to swing by the shop, I could take you around the city or something if you’d like.”

“I think I’d like that,” he said, grinning. I gave him a little wave, and he climbed into the taxi.

There was a back door in the building that I opened onto the stairs to my loft and connected to the store room, but sometimes I liked to walk through the shop before I went upstairs, just to check on things, or think about things. I had snickered before about the poet lady wanting to feel the vibes in there, but sometimes it was something I did too. When I was down, or when I wanted to clear my mind a bit. Sometimes when I walked through the shop at night, in the dark, with only the lights from the street filtering in through the windows, I could imagine Justin walking around in here, the way we had together when we opened the place. The two of us had done it together, hiring the staff, meeting with the contractor wow did the work on the inside, the shop was like our child. Everything in it had been picked by both of us, and I had only changed minor things since then. Every time I remodeled something, adding new shelves or changing the furniture, I tried to imagine what Justin would have to say about it, and if he would agree.

I tried to imagine what he would think, now, about my new friendship with Niall. It was probably a little to call Niall a friend, but we were friendly. He was nice, and not as spoiled as I had originally thought. I mentally chastised myself, admitting that at least half of the attitude I thought I’d perceived had been projected by me. I expected him to behave a certain way, so I had read all his behavior in that context, catching only the things that agreed with what I wanted to see, like a camera with a filter on the lens. I thought about him as a good kid, and mentally corrected myself, he wasn’t a kid. He was only twenty, but it was a mature twenty. He had it a lot more together than most guys his own age, and, than a lot of guys older than us. Courtney liked him, and I had to agree that I thought Justin would have, as well.

The shop, as always, was spotless. Everything was put neatly in it’s place, the floors swept, the rugs vacuumed. The dishes and glassware gleamed behind the counter, waiting for the morning, when Kim would come in and take over her spot again. The chairs were all put up on the tables, waiting for me to come in the morning and take them down, and the till waited for it’s first patron of the day. The shelves were near, the rubbish taken to the bin out back, and on my way through the store room I glanced at the schedule, which the staff more or less did themselves. In the morning Kim would be in with me for an hour, then Quinn would be in as well, which mean the shop would be in good hands if I did go somewhere with Niall. Kim was off after lunch, and Quinn and Piers would have the shop for the afternoon before Piers and Charlie locked up tomorrow night. Our staff pattern was two people on, supplemented by me, but we really did need an extra person. We could afford it, so I really just needed to find someone who would fit.

I climbed the stairs feeling the same little pang I always did when I climbed them alone. Some days the entire day went by without me feeling like this. I knew that Justin was gone, but some days it was safe to think about that. Other days, especially days when I thought about him, or talked about him, I felt his loss far more sharply. When I walked into the loft I felt it even more. Justin had never seen the loft the way it was now. After he died, I thought about selling the shop, but I couldn’t. We had worked too hard, and it meant too much to both of us, but I couldn’t keep the loft the way it was. It was too easy to imagine him sitting on the sofa, or walking around the kitchen. As I’d told Niall the store was mine, free and clear, because I had used some of Justin’s insurance money to pay off the mortgage and loans. I used the rest to change everything up here, to create a space that belonged only to me. I understood now how Courtney could not discuss her brother, because I had, essentially, erased him from the place where we had lived. I worried sometimes that it was wrong, that doing so was a selfish thing, but no one else seemed to think so, and it was the least painful thing I could think of doing.

Justin and I had always treated the loft as an afterthought, because all of our money went into the shop, getting it off the ground. There had been a small kitchen area up here, and old stove, a fridge, and a sink against one wall, and we had just put a table near enough to use as a counter space in the dining area. We had a bet, and pushed into the corner that we designated as the bedroom. Another corner was the living room, while the bathroom had been the only part of the loft to actually have separate walls. Our furniture was all handed down, or the cheapest we could fine, but the two of us had been ok with all of it, because we had each other, and we had the shop. The loft was spacious, and I had preserved that, but I had also broken it up a bit. There was a wall around the bedroom area corner now, although it was mostly made of glass, and I had an L-shaped counter coming out of the kitchen. I could sit at the dining room table if I wanted to, or I could sit on one of the stools at the end of the counter, as I usually did when I was alone. If there were guests over, I closed the bedroom curtains, but when it was just me, I didn’t bother.

I got ready for bed, brushing my teeth, dropping my clothes in the hamper, and picked up my book off the coffee table. Crossing the loft, I hit the lights, and turned on the lamp next to my bed, settling into the sheets and setting the alarm clock. It was a bit early, but liked I’d told Niall, I was tired, and it had been a really long day. I looked over at the nightstand, where there was a picture of Justin, and I on one of our holiday trips to his grandparents place in Scotland.

In the morning I was up bright and early, my sleep had been restless. I woke up with the sheets all wrapped around me, but couldn’t remember any of my dreams. When I went downstairs, after showering and dressing, I took the down off the tables, and brought the bakery deliveries inside, setting the boxes on the counter. I was about to turn on the coffee machine when Kim walked in.

“Good morning,” she said, smiling. I marveled that one person could have so much black in their wardrobe, yet still manage to look different every day. “What are you doing in my area?”

“I was bringing in the bakery boxes,” I said, smiling. “I wouldn’t dream of touching your sacred coffee pots, even though, you know, they’re actually mine.”

“Part of being a team is making certain that everyone works where their skills are most needed,” Kim said, setting her bag down in the store room. “My skills are most suited for the café.”

“Sounds like someone’s management night class is going well,” I said, grinning. “I’m going to get the papers onto the rack.”

“Go nuts,” Kim said, flipping switches. The store was immediately filled with the smell of brewing coffee, and I craved the first cup. “You want anything special today?”

“What are we brewing?” I asked, stacking the bundles on the trolley in the store room, I wheeled them in and began to stack on the rack, which was emptied nightly as part of closing up. “Anything good?”

“The raspberry truffle isn’t bad, and I’m using up the last of the collocate macadamia,” she answered. I shrugged, and she smiled. “Why don’t I just surprise you? I’ll let you know when it’s ready. So, Sean?”

“Yeah?” I asked, not looking up.

“you seemed to be getting on with your new friend on your way to dinner last night,” she said, moving pastries into the case. “Will we be seeing more of Mr. Horan around here today?”

“You don’t have to ask it in that tone,” I snapped, pushing the trolley back behind the counter and into the store room. “He might stop by today, and if he does then I’m going to take him out and show him a bit of our little city.”

Kim stared at me without saying anything, her expression unreadable. It seemed almost mirthful, but mixed with skepticism.

“I promised Courtney that I would keep him entertained until she got back,” I added. Kim nodded innocently. “He’s not as bad as we thought.”

“We,” Kim began, emphasizing it, “didn’t think anything. We just listened to what you said about him, and agreed, We are the ones who got in a loud bickering argument with him in public twice in one evening.”

“Point taken,” I said, unlocking the front doors. We were now open for business, although it would probably be twenty minutes or so before the first patrons came in. There was a small group of regulars who came in every morning for coffee to go, and there was a second crowd, older people mostly, who came in and sat reading the papers, relaxing and occasionally starting a game of chess. “just out of curiosity, what did you think of him?”

“He was polite,” she said, thinking it over. “He was really nice to Charlie’s dirty hippie lady.”

“Promise me we’re not inviting her back,” I said, shuddering. The poetry really had been that bad. “That’s all you thought?”

“Well, if he wasn’t, you know, so American top 40, he’d have been fit,” she said. I must have looked surprised, because she blushed. “If all men weren’t total jerks and not at all worth dating.”

“Right,” I said pulling a newspaper off the rack as she pushed a cup of coffee over to me.

She thought Niall was fit, in that charming boy next door kind of way, when he wasn’t trying so hard to be hip. A couple of times last night he had slipped a few odd words in, but basically he sounded like a normal lad, even if he looked a bit better than most regular lads that wandered in most of the time. Wait, I didn’t care if he was fit, anyway. I wasn’t interested in him, and even if I were, he was probably straight. More importantly he was only in town for a few days or so, although we hadn’t actually talked about how long he was staying. Most importantly, he was Courtney’s friend, and it was just wrong to date your sister in law’s friends, and when had dating started slipping into my thoughts, anyway? And why hadn’t Courtney called back yet, damn it?

Our morning went as regularly as all other mornings. The patrons came and went, taking coffee, staying for a muffin or a bagel. I helped some people find a few things, did some special orders, and watched Kim bus a couple of the tables and do the dishes. When Quinn came in, her look today was sternly librarian with a blouse buttoned up to her neck and her hair was pulled up in a bun, she asked if she could work the till, so that she could read some homework, and I said it was fine. While she did that, I circulated, straightening things, checking shelves, and helping patrons. The shop was pretty good sized, since the building was a warehouse at some point in it’s history, so there was always someone to help or something to put back. I was up on the first floor helping someone find something in the childrens section, when the bell above the door jingled, and I heard Niall ask for me.

“Is Sean available, please?” he asked quietly. I couldn’t see the till from that far back on the first floor, but I could hear them in the quiet. Like Kim had said last night, a bookstore was a bit like a library, even with the Spanish guitar, the current background selection, playing softly.

“I believe he’s upstairs,” Quinn said evenly, her voice betraying none of the nervous tremor it had yesterday when she talked to him. I guess the novelty of chatting with a celebrity could wear off pretty quickly.

“Thanks,” Niall said, and I heard his shoes tapping softly up the stairs. As the same time I heard the slightly louder clacking of Quinn’s heels, clicking across the tile in the café section, and I knew she was running over to dish with Kim. I smiled, not really minding. The five of us had been in a bit of a rut lately, so Niall coming by to hang out with me was more or less the hottest news we had. “Sean?”

“Just a moment sir,” I called, smiling at the nice grandmotherly lady I was assisting. “I’m in the children’s section can I help you find something madam?”

“No, thank you,” she answered holding up a small stack of books. “I think I’m all set.”

“If you take them downstairs, one of the young ladies down there will be happy to ring you out, “I said turning to point toward the steps. I almost put my finger in Niall’s eye, and he jerked back a step giggling. “Sorry!”

“it’s alright,” he said, smiling. The old lady shuffled off toward the steps as I smiled back at him. He was wearing jeans and a short sleeved red polo top, with a baseball cap pulled low overhanging his face. “Hi”

“Hi,” I said, both of us grinning like idiots. “I didn’t know if you’d come by, I mean, I was kind of a downer last night.”

“No you weren’t,” he said dismissively, glancing away at some other customer passing us. “you did say, though, that maybe we could go do something today. Can you get away?”

“Yeah,” I answered. “We’re not really busy, You still want to do something?”

“Of course I do,” he answered. “I told you last night that I had a good time, and I think I’d like to get to know you better.”

“I’d like that also,” I said walking toward the stairs. “I mean we talked a lot about me, and hardly anything about you. Let me check in with the girls, and then we can get out of here for a while.”

“Cool,” he said, following.

I let Quinn and Kim know I was leaving for a while and that I would have my mobile with me if they needed anything. They both gave me these weird looks, and I knew they’d been talking about me, or Niall, or both just before we came down stairs, but I just shook my head at them. I couldn’t tell at them for basic human nature. I introduced them to Niall before we left, and he politely shook both their hands, but I could also sense that there was something a little cool in their greetings. They smiled and nodded and everything else, but there was a bit of a reserve there that I didn’t usually see in them. I wondered about it, but as I led Niall side walk watching him slip on a pair of sunglasses, I decided to just let it go.

“Have you been to Northampton, before?” I asked, as we stood out on the sidewalk. Inside, I could see Quinn at the till, watching intently.

“Only for concerts,” he answered. “I’ve been to a couple of clubs, on our off night, but I haven’t really been around the city or anything.”

I thought for a second, things we could do, and figured something quiet where there would be a lot of people would be good. We could have a bit of fun and in a setting like that he was more likely to blend in with the crowd.

“Come on,” I said, grabbing his arm. “We’ll take the bus over to the reservoir and I’ll take you to the aquarium.”

“Ok,” he said smiling.

Niall took off his shades to ride on the bus, but I figured he kind of had to. The bus was clear, but not what anyone would by any means consider brightly lit and Niall would have walked into people or seats otherwise. He seemed a bit nervous, just the same, but most people didn’t give either of us a second glance, and since it was the middle of the day there weren’t many school kids around. I figured they’d be more likely to recognize him than adults, since they were the majority of his demographic, but he seemed fidgety all the same. I tapped him on the arm, not wanting to say his name.

“Hey, are you alright?” I asked. “You’re a bit quiet. If you don’t want to take the bus, we can take a catch a taxi instead.”

“No, no, I’m alright,” he said. “I was just thinking about some stuff. I don’t mind being out here, but it’s been a really long time since I went anywhere without a bodyguard.”

“Why don’t you have one?” I asked. “I Mean, especially now, with being so famous and all.”

“Our management says I’m always meant to have one, but I’m laying low on this trip,” Niall said, still looking a bit uncomfortable. “Dragging someone around isn’t exactly laying low.”

“Valid point,” I said “This is our stop.”

We spent about an hour at the aquarium, which is more or less all the time you really can spend there, even if you read all the plaques. I liked to go and stick my hand in the starfish tanks, where someone supervised to make sure you didn’t pull them out of the water, since that was bad for them. and Niall said it was coo, too, but he didn’t seem excessively enthused. I wondered if maybe I had chose the wrong sort of activity, as this was kind of almost like being in school, but he insisted that he was enjoying himself, and was just thinking. Each time he said that, he immediately moved the discussion to something else before I could ask what he was thinking about, a trick I caught immediately. I still didn’t want to push though, so I let it go. After we’d seen everything, I had to take a bathroom break, and when I came out he was staring into the penguin pool again.

“They’re so cute,” I said, watching them sit on their rocks. Penguins are adorable when they’re swimming, because they look so akward, but thy’re so fast. We’d already looked in here on the way in, but I was trying to show Niall a good time, so I didn’t want to drag him away if he wasn’t ready to go.

“They are,” Niall said, staring down. “the sign says they use those little bands on their wings for identification. If they have matching ones, that means they’re a mating pair. Do you think they’re happy?”

“I guess so,” I answered, baffled. Did I think penguins were happy?” what kind of question was that? “I’ve never really thought about it, but, you know, they’re safe in here, and they feed them really well. They’re probably happy, although it’s still a prison.”

“Maybe,” he said, watching them. He sounded really sad, and I wondered again what was wrong. “Maybe they’re happy because they have someone. What about that little penguin down there by himself? Do you think he’s happy? That one down there all alone?”

“Niall?” I asked. He didn’t answer me. He just kept looking into the penguin pool. I decided to keep the discussion at hand, to see if I could figure out where it was going. “Maybe he’s happy being single, I honestly don’t know.”

“but the other ones are in pairs,” Niall said. “The other ones all have somebody, and he doesn’t. Sean, do you think, well, do you think there’s somebody for everybody? The sign says that they mate for life. Do you think that’s true, that there’s one person and you only get one chance?”

I sighed, following his eyes back into the tank. His face looked sad, his mouth turned down a bit, and I figured he was having that problem a lot of guys our age had. It sounded to me like girl trouble. I’d been through this a bunch of times with Courtney, as the average length of her relationships was a month or two, so I felt pretty secure talking it through with him, or just listening, if that’s what he wanted. At the same time, though, there was his question, just hanging there, waiting for an answer.

“I don’t know Niall,” I answered finally. He looked at me carefully, his head cocked to the side again. “I can’t really answer that Niall, I love Justin. I don’t put it in the past tense because I still think about him every day. At the same time, though, he’s gone. I’m alone now, even if I still care about him, and I have been for almost two year. Maybe I haven’t thought about seeing anyone else or about maybe falling in love with someone else, but someday I might. If there’s only one person for everybody, then I guess I’m done, because I’ve already lost mine. I guess I can’t answer that, because I’m torn either way.

Niall put his hand on my arm, looking suddenly stricken.

“Sean, I’m sorry,” he said, his face twisting even more. “I didn’t think about that. I shouldn’t have asked you something like that.”

“It’s alright,” I said, patting the hand on my arm. I gave it a quick squeeze.

“No it’s not,” he said, shaking his head. “I was thinking about me, not about you. I shouldn’t have asked that.”

“Niall, I told you, it’s alright,” I said, shrugging off his hand and his concern. I didn’t need to be coddles or treated with kid gloves. “Can I ask a question?”

“Of course,” he answered, which surprised me. “Of course” wasn’t really something you said to someone you met just yesterday, as it implied a closeness that I wasn’t sure we had.

“Is this about you and Cher?” I asked. “I mean it’s kind of obvious that you’re down, and the question you just asked me, you know Courtney said that you’re having some problems, and you said the same thing yesterday. Is it something wrong with you and Cher?”

I was completely surprised when he shook his head, laughing loudly. I’d heard him chuckle yesterday and today, and there had been that fit of giggling in the office, but this was the first time I’d actually heard him laugh. He was completely without restraint, the sound echoing through the large area because of his well trained singer’s lungs, and I worried that people were going to stare at him. He must have caught the look on my face, because I was both worried and stunned, and he stopped laughing at his inside joke that he wasn’t sharing.

“I’m sorry,” he said, still grinning. “I’m just, wow, me and Cher? No, that’s not the problem, not at all. Are we all done here?”

“If you want to be,” I said, catching the redirect again. Obviously Niall wasn’t going to talk until he felt ready. I figured I’d just give up on trying, and leave it for Courtney to deal with when she got back. Maybe by then she’d be returning phone calls. “I was just trying to entertain you.”

“And you’re doing a great job,” he said, smiling. “Thanks for being an excellent tour guide.”

“I prefer activities director,” I said, leading him through the gift shop and out of the aquarium. It was fairly warm outside, and he squinted in the rare sun as both of us pulled out our shades. “So, what do you want to do now?”

“What are my options?” Niall asked, looking around.

“Well, if we go up there by the street, there’s a bus tour pick up.” I said. “It goes all over the city, past the historical sites and such, and you can get off and back on whenever you want if there’s any place specific that you want to see. That takes about an hour, but it’s pretty interesting. If we walk up the street that way, there’s a golf course that’s open to the public if you’d like to do that instead. “What? Niall, why are you making a face?”

“No reason,” Niall said, looking up at me and shrugging at the same time. He was clearly lying.

“Niall,” I said firmly.

“Alright, you’ve got me,” he said, shrugging again. “I’m sure those things are great and all, but, you know, are you anti fun or something? The aquarium was kind of cool but golf courses , and historical tours? Is this what you do for fun? Not that there’s anything wrong with that.”

He added the last part as a quick afterthought, since I was staring at him.

“Really Niall?” I asked, waiting to see how he’d dig his way out of this one, he opted for honesty.

“Ok, there’s something a little wrong with it,” he began, “but only for me. It’s not really my kind of thing. If you like to do it, that’s great, but isn’t there anything else we could od?”

I had promised to keep him company, so I could be a little accommodating, and there were other things I liked to do too. I wasn’t some old man who just liked to hang out at museums.

“There’s a cinema right there if you want to see a movie,” I said, pointing. “Or, if we go over that way, we could hit the shopping centre. It’s like a five minute walk, but there’s a gap and an Abercrombie, and a lot of little cool stores too.”

Niall nodded, but had that look on his face again, like he was thinking of something else.

“You hungry?” I asked, realizing it was lunch time. “We could get some food.”

“Could we do that?” he asked, and I nodded. “There’s something I want to talk to you about if that’s alright.”


	5. OUT to Lunch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yar, what do you think so far?

There are a lot of restaurants down by the reservoir, but Niall wasn’t sure what he wanted to eat, and I didn’t want to rush him. I suggested Red’s Seafood, which was right there, but he didn’t want more seafood after his chowder last night. Closer towards the markets, there were a more places, but they kept being strike-outs. Too many people at that one, not in the mood for Chinese, the oldest restaurant in town was heaven forbid more boring history. I felt myself about to lecture him on the ignorance of people in our age group regarding the past and their sense of place in the world, and then realized it wasn’t my job to, and it wasn’t why he was here. Niall wanted someone to talk, and I wanted to listen, but I had a feeling that he was doing the same thing now he had earlier. Taking this long to find a place to eat was just another way to redirect.

“Niall, we’re running out of places,” I said, shrugging. “We can head to a different part of town, or, if you want, we don’t have to eat now. We don’t have to talk now, if you changed your mind, either.”

He looked up in surprise, his face almost comically so, and I squeezed his shoulder quickly.

“Niall, talking was your idea,” I said. “If you’re having second thoughts, or want to wait to talk to Courtney instead, or whatever moment you were having is passed, that’s fine. We can do something else, or we can go do nothing, whatever you want Niall.”

“I’m sorry,” he said, glancing down. He looked up at me again, his blue eyes seeking my green ones, but I wasn’t sure what he was looking for. Once I knew, I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to provide it. For now, though, all he wanted was to talk, maybe. “I just, it’s not always easy for me to open up to people, not even my friends, and, well, I don’t even know if we’re friends. We get along, and I like spending time with you, but, I don’t know. This is just hard, ok?”

“Niall, that’s fine,” I said, considering how much this was like what I’d been thinking about yesterday. “If we’re just friendly acquaintances, that’s fine with me, Niall. I was just trying to get you out to have a little fun. If you want to be friends, I’m ok with that too, but I’m not going to push you, if you don’t want to be pushed. I meant what I said, “it’s all up to you.”

It is all up to me,” he said, smiling. “This time, it really is, come on, let’s go eat.”

Niall pulled me into the nearest restaurant, not bothering to look what kind it was, and asked for a table for two in the back. I didn’t really think it was necessary, since the place was small, and it’s not as if there were paparazzi here, but we were seated immediately, and after the waitress took our drink orders and left us with the menus I waited to see what he would say. Niall’s entire demeanor had changed from what it had been at the aquarium. He was lighter now, more vibrant, more like himself again, as if he was pulling himself out of his funk. The menus were one sheet, typed paper, and a bit plain, but I was willing to bet the food would be good. Even if it wasn’t, chicken was safe as long as it wasn’t pink, or at the least I was hoping.

“This is nice, isn’t?” Niall asked, looking around. I looked at him a bit curious, and he laughed. “Ok, I don’t mean the restaurant, although, you know it’s not bad. I mean being in a place like this, being out in public, just deciding to walk in somewhere and doing it, not having anyone with you, you know a bodyguard or anything, not having somewhere to be, and it’s really nice to be here with someone I like.”

The way he said that, the way his eyes lit up, left me feeling a bit uneasy, but I was uncertain as to why. I liked Niall, and I thought I’d like being friends with him. There was something else there though, and I didn’t really like how it felt.

“I suppose it’s alright,” I said, shrugging. “I do this all the time.”

“I know,” Niall said. “I don’t, though. That’s sort of the point though. I don’t get to do things like this. I don’t get to just call up a friend and get in a car and or just go walk around in a city in broad daylight without someone following me, or someone checking on me. I don’t get to do any of this, and I forget how nice it is to do that, to just do what I want.”

“No one knows you’re here, do they?” I asked. “That’s why Courtney couldn’t tell you she was leaving. You called her, and then you got on a plane.”

“That about sums it up,” Niall said, smiling. “My mum doesn’t know where I am, management doesn’t know where I am, and the lads don’t know either. Niall Horan, is missing in action.”

“Wait,” I said, shaking my head. “I haven’t seen anything about it. I read the paper at the front counter at the shop every morning, even the entertainment section, and I haven’t seen a word about you being missing.”

“You won’t,” he said, shaking his head. “How much do you know about is really, about One Direction.”

“I know you’re doing well,” I said. “We have magazine racks after all.”

“We’re on top right now,” Niall said, not bragging. “We’re at the top of the game. I know people talk about Big Time Rush, or the wanted, but there’s only room for one at the top, we have sold out shows lined up for the next year at least. Right now, at least as far as pop music is concerned we’re number one. “

“It’s good to see you’ve managed to stay so modest,” I said, smirking a bit. Niall giggled, and shook his head.

“I wasn’t trying to sound like that, like, hey I’m in One Direction, and I’m the best,” he said. “I was just trying to give you a sense of where we are, and where I am right now. I’m one fifth of the number one band, and if no one knows where I am, they’re not going to just put it on the news, you know? They keep leaving messages on my phone, but nobody knows where I am.”

“Niall, your company must have resources at their disposal,” I said. “They’ll still be able to find you. I mean, they can hire private detectives or something. They’ll get your name off the passenger list on the plane.”

“Not unless they’re looking for James Gallagher,” he said. I was about to ask, but he held up his hands smiling. “Gallagher, is my mum’s maiden name. I know it’s not particularly creative, but I was sort of rushed when I thought of it. It’ll only slow them down, but for now, I’m free.”

“So, now that I know how you did it, the question is why?” I said, “What are you hiding from?”

“It’s a hard question,” he said. “Some of it is that I just need a break, I need to get away. To be inside the way we live, with everyone always looking, it’s hard sometimes and you need a break. You need time to collect yourself, to be somewhere else. We just finished a tour, and that’s really hard too. People think you’re just riding around singing, but it’s harder than that. You don’t get enough sleep, you lose weight, and you’re on the go all the time. There’s the rehearsals, and you have to keep your energy up, because everyone has to get the same show, and it has to be the best, even if you’re tired, or something’s going on with you. We’re kind of used to it, been at it for almost two years now, but it wears you down after a while.”

“I didn’t realize it was so much work,” I said.

“It is work,” Niall said, but then he smiled. “I love though, and there’s nothing I’d rather being doing, but like I said, it’s not easy sometimes.”

“Since you just finished a tour, and all the other stuff you guys have been doing since it ended, I can see why you could use a bit of time off.” I said thoughtfully.

“You’ve still got questions though,” Niall observed.

“I didn’t know if I should ask questions,” I said, “If you want to talk to me, I thought maybe I was just supposed to let you talk.”

“Isn’t your family going to worry about you?” I asked. “I mean, maybe they’re so used to you not being around, but I’d be worried if you didn’t call.”

“I did,” he said, shaking his head.

“You said they didn’t know where you are,” I said, confused. Niall was looking at me with his head cocked again, and I realized it was a gesture I was starting to get used to.

“They don’t,” he said simply. “But I called my mum. I mean, you didn’t think I’d just run away and not tell her I was safe. I talked to her at the airport, and I told her I needed to get away for a little while. She, well, she knows what’s going on, so she said ok.”

I sighed, looking at my hands. We were talking, but we weren’t really communicating. I was no more aware of what was wrong now than I had been yesterday. I felt like we were connecting, but something was missing.

“Niall, you still haven’t answered the most basic question,” I said. “I asked what you were doing here, and you’ve sort of explained, but I feel like we’re dancing and I don’t know the steps. What’s going on Niall? I want to help, if I can, or even just listen, if that’s what you need, and you say it’s ok if I ask questions, but you’re not giving me any answers.”

Niall looked down frowning, and sighed as well. When he looked up, I was could see that he was upset, but there was something else too. Niall was struggling. For all of his fame, and everything else, something was hurting him, and that bothered me. Despite what I’d thought at first, he was a nice guy, and I didn’t want to see him hurt. As I’d said to him, I wanted to help. I wanted to make him feel better. For the first time, I realized that I actually wanted to be Niall’s friend. I wanted him to look at me and care, because I found that I cared about him, and I was a bit worried about him. Whatever was bothering him, seemed as if it were too much for him alone.

“I told you before, and I told Courtney,” he said quietly. “I’m having some problems right now, I, there was someone.”

He wiped his eyes suddenly, and I handed him a napkin. He blotted quickly, and smiled at me, pushing whatever he was thinking away.”

“Niall is it Cher?” I asked. “Is something happening with the two of you?”

“Did Courtney call you back?” he asked suddenly, redirecting again. BAM! There’s that wall of his again. “Have you heard from her?”

“No, I haven’t, and I’m a bit worried about her,” I answered, frowning. “it’s not like her not to return a call, especially not from me. I might call her mother later.”

“Maybe we should,” Niall said, nodding.

“She’s not the only one I’m worried about,” I said, reaching across the table to pat his hand. “I’m sorry Cher’s making you feel like this.”

“She’s not,” Niall said, shaking his head, and I blinked. He squeezed my hand for a second, and then folded his in-front of himself on the table. “That’s not the problem at all.”

“You had the right thought though,” Niall said, shaking his head and smiled to let me know it was alright. “You just have the wrong person, Cher isn’t my girlfriend.”

“But the papers,” I said, confusing clear on my face. “I read about it in magazines all the time Niall, if she’s not your girlfriend, you’ve got everyone fooled.”

“That’s it exactly,” he said, grinning like a child. “I love Cher to death, she was my first kiss, and she’s always been there for me. She’s a great friend, but she’s not my girlfriend, I don’t have one.”

“I’m so confused right now,” I said, shaking my head.

“Maybe it’s because your gaydar’s so messed up,” Niall said quietly. When I looked up he was smirking again, and I wanted to throw my napkin at him. “I told you, I don’t have a girlfriend.”

“Come again!” I said loudly, and then sheepishly covered my mouth, blushing again, as I realized how loud I’d just been. “Niall, I’ve seen you and Cher on the tele, you two obviously care about one another.”

“I told you, she’s a good friend,” Niall said shrugging. “You made the same assumption that everyone does. Because Cher and I spend so much time together, and like each other so much, it just kind of started going around that she and I were together. Her publicist and my publicist thought it was a great idea, and all of a sudden, before you knew it, Cher and I were a couple.”

“Why’d you go along with it though?” I asked. “If you’re not with her, why the lies?”

“The only thing we’re lying about is that we’re seeing each other, and she and I have never actually said that,” shrugging. “Everything else we say is true, I love her, she loves me, and we care about each other very much. It’s not as if we’re virgins, at least I’m not, but we’ve never actually had sex.”

“Then who?” I asked, “I mean, who are you seeing right now?”

Maybe he was lonely it had to be hard being in the spotlight all the time, having everyone think you were straight dating this pop princess. He’d already talked about what it was like to be on tour, and to be in the public eye, and I tried to imagine hiding that you were gay on top of that, not wonder he looked stretched so thin.

“We’ve split,” Niall said finally, looking down again. “We, I, I broke up with him three days ago, and for good this time.”

“Oh Niall, I’m sorry,” I said sighing. Even though it was apparently Niall’s idea to split, it was obvious that he wasn’t happy about it. “Have you heard from him?”

“He calls my mobile daily to say he’s sorry,” Niall said, covering his eyes for a second. I thought he might be wiping them. “He sometimes sings into my voicemail, and I want to call him back, but I know I can’t. I kicked him out, told him to leave, and he’s stayed away, but I just had to get out. I couldn’t stay there, with our stuff, with the pictures.”

“He sings to you,” I said thoughtfully. “Is it one of your bandmates, is that why you didn’t want anyone to know where you were?”

“Yes,” Niall said, almost whispering. He looked heartbroken, staring down at the remnants of his lunch. I didn’t know what to say really, and I just waited for him to collect himself. The waitress walked by, dropping off refills for our drinks, and Niall finally looked up at me. “I’m sorry, I guess I’m ruining lunch, aren’t I?”

“No more than I ruined dinner last night,” I answered. “Niall, I can see that whatever happened hurt you, and you said it was you who broke up with him. Do you still think that was the best thing for you? Honestly?”

“I think it was,” Niall answered. “But I’m not sure. I wanted to get away from everything, from him and our friends and everything else, to clear my head a bit, and I wanted to talk to Courtney.”

“Why her?” I asked. “I mean, why not Cher, or your family? Not that Courtney’s not a great person and all, but I didn’t realize you two were this close. I knew you were friends, but I really didn’t have any idea the two of you talked to each other about this kind of thing.”

“Well, I wanted to talk to Courtney, because she’s the one who helped me with it last time this happened.” Niall explained.

“The last time you broke-up with someone?” I asked, Niall shook his head.

“Not just someone,” he answered. “Courtney helped me the last time I broke up with him. I wondered how she was so understanding, how she seemed to know exactly how I felt, but I guess it’s because of you and Justin.”

“Niall, he and I didn’t break up,” I said feeling a bit resentful. He chose to leave his boyfriend. The person he loved wasn’t taken away from him, leaving him alone. It wasn’t the same thing at all. Niall quickly grabbed my hand, and I realized my tone must have carried a bit of my sudden hurt.

“No, I didn’t mean about that,” Niall said, squeezing my hand again. His thumb brushed over the back, rubbing across the top of my knuckles. I wondered briefly if he held his boyfriend’s hand that way too. “I meant about the rest, about the being gay part. He and I had a rough spot last year, while Courtney was working with us, and she sort of walked in on me when I was upset. She brought me some tissues, and we started talking, and she helped me a lot. We talked all the time, and she helped me come to better terms with, you know, with being who I am.”

That sounded like a completely Courntey, thing to do and I realized that she had been able to help Niall so well because of Justin after all. After I lost him, I was lost as well. There were days when I didn’t want to get out of bed, when I didn’t want to do anything except lay there and cry and think about what I’d lost, and Courtney had come over every day. Sometimes she just sat with me, sometimes she brought Kim upstairs to talk about the shop, and sometimes she talked as much as I did. Courtney and I shared our grief with each other, shared the sense of loss and the giant Justin shaped hole inside both of us, and through it all she got a lot of practice at dealing with people who are upset, crying, and heartbroken. Apparently she’d used that newfound skill to help Niall as well.

“Niall, didn’t you know who you were already?” I asked. “I mean if you had a boyfriend, you must have had at least some idea that you were gay.”

“Sort of,” Niall said, shrugging. “It’s a bit complicated. I mean, I knew I loved him, but I hadn’t really told my family, or our friends, or the other lads in the band. I wasn’t sure if it was right, and I thought maybe the reason he and I were having so many problems was that we weren’t supposed to be together at all. Courntey listened to me, and she helped me understand that whatever problems we were having weren’t because we were doing something wrong. She helped me understand that it’s ok to love whoever I want to, and because she did that, it helped me be with him on my own terms.”

“What do you mean?” I asked. I’d noticed that Niall talked a lot about things being up to him, and things being his choice and guessed that he was resentful of people making choices for him. Maybe it had happened to him a lot, and he was fighting to grow up, if he was, I thought he was doing a good job.

“Our relationship is a bit complicated.” Niall began. My eyebrows went up as I debated asking which one it was, and Niall caught it. “I’m sorry, my boyfriend is um, was, Liam. Do you know who he is?”

“The raven haired one, with the quaff?” I asked. “The handsome one with the birthmark?”

“Yeah,” Niall answered, smiling a bit. “I haven’t been using his name because it bothers me, sort of, but I didn’t want you to sit here and wonder which one it was. You were going to ask weren’t you?”

I nodded, and he smiled, and then continued. It registered in the back of my mind that he was still holding my hand, but we both seemed comfortable so I let it stay.

“I met Liam during X-Factor, we roomed together.” Niall said, “We were all together all the time back then, Cher, the lads and I, it was the first time I’d ever done anything like that, the first day I was so nervous, and he saw it, and talked to me about it. He told me he was nervous too, and that he’d been really scared, and at first I didn’t believe it. I was kind of freaking out inside, here I was this kid from Ireland and he just seemed so together like he knew he’d make it somehow, and well I couldn’t believe he’d even noticed me much less stopped and talk to me.

“So you guys became friends,” I said, nodding, but Niall shook his head.

“Not at first,” Niall continued. “It was his second time there, and while we got along it was still a competition. He was there to win, just like the rest of us, it wasn’t until we got put together that we became proper friends.”

Niall paused, letting go of my hand to wave the waitress over, and ordered us a piece of pie. I was amused that he didn’t ask me, but I was hungry. He smiled at me, looking a little more relaxed as he thought of the good parts of his past. I knew how that could be.

“After we got set up as a group, we all spent a week at Harry’s house just getting to know each other, Liam sat us all down on the first night and told us he was gay.” Niall said. “He wanted us to know while there was still time to kick him out, but it was kind of obvious at the time that he was going to be one of the leads. The lads talked about it, and in the end we all agreed that it wouldn’t be an issue, but we all set up some rules. Liam was allowed to date, as long as it was secret, and he had to appear in public with female friends if we were bringing dates to something. Right after that was decided we left for the X-Factor tour and that was kind of it.”

“What about you?” I asked. “how do you tie into that?”

“Well, that’s the uncomplicated part,” Niall said, spreading his hands. “I was never really sure how I felt, I guess some part of me was questioning even then, so I just date anyone. People wrote it off as still being young and that was ok. Liam though, he met someone while we were on tour, and they started a relationship that was, um, it wasn’t good for him.”

“He was abusive?” I asked, It would be terrible to watch a friend go through that.

“Not exactly,” Niall answered. “The guy Liam was dating was bi, not gay, and he had a lot of issues about it. A lot of shame, and anger at himself, and some of way he felt bled over onto Liam. The stuff we do is pretty stressful as it is, like I told you, so that didn’t help at all. Eventually Liam broke it off with him, and while he was getting over it, I comforted him, we’d sort of become best friends within the band, and somewhere along the line we started seeing each other, we waited a while before telling the guys and our families.”

“How’d that go?” I asked.

“Not bad, but not as well as it could have,” Niall said, sighing. I knew that coming out to your family could be a bit rough if they didn’t take it well, and here they were in the public eye all the time, plus the lads in the band who’d become like another family. “The lads kind of suspected, and they put Liam and I under the same rules. They, um, they also didn’t want us to be too demonstrative when we were around them, either. They’re ok with it, they’re ok with us, but they’re not always ok with it being right in-front of them, I know you wouldn’t think that because of how Lou and Haz act, but what they do is just for a laugh. My family though, except for my mum, they didn’t know I was gay, since it never really came up before, and they didn’t take it so well. They’ve come around but my brother’s still kind of stand offish when Liam’s around.”

“But you guys stayed together through it?” I asked, and Niall nodded. “And then you were having problems when you met Courtney?”

“Yeah,” Niall said. “Liam and I, well, he loves me, and if that was enough I’d still be with him, but love only carries you so far, you know? Liam loves me, but sometimes he doesn’t treat me as an equal, and it just makes me so mad that I’ll do something ridiculous like overshadow him during a show on purpose. Don’t look at me like that. It’s not our only problem. He cheats on me, not often, and he always tells me about it afterward, tells me that he’s story, but he cheats, and it hurts. I was really insecure in the beginning, and Courtney helped me with that. I was worried about who I was, and I was worried that since I’d never been with a bloke before that I wasn’t good enough, that I wasn’t right for him. Every time he cheats on me, I feel like I’m not good enough, and this last time he, well, he slept with his old boyfriend. I’m tired of it, so I broke up with him.”

“And you came here,” I added, thinking that it was all tied up.

“Because I had to,” Niall said. “I had to get away. When Liam and I fight, the other lads, they try and fix it, or they start getting into it too. They’ve been calling me as much as he has, except that there’s three of them. One of the things they worried about when we told them we were together is that it would upset the chemistry of the group, and they were right. When Liam and I don’t get along, the group doesn’t work right. The music doesn’t flow, and one direction just doesn’t work like that. Right now it’s not working because I can’t take the way he treats me anymore. It’s not good for me, and I can’t listen to them, so I get away. I can’t stay at my house, because it’s our house. I can’t stay with my mum because when Liam and I fight, Greg’s there saying that it just shows he’s right, that the whole thing is a mistake. When I go back to him, he doesn’t say anything, but I can’t listen to what he’ll say right now either. I can’t go to my dad’s because he just doesn’t understand. He still loves me, but he doesn’t get it, and I can’t go to Cher, because she’s Liam’s friend too. I’m here because I have nowhere else to go, and then I got here and Courtney wasn’t even here.”

By the time Niall got to the end of this, his face flushed, and his eyes were watering again. He pushed his chair away from the table, shaking his head, not meeting my eyes, and I reached out, putting a hand on his arm.

“Niall I’m sorry,” I said quietly. “I’m sorry about all of that, and I’m sorry Courtney isn’t here to meet you. I’m sorry you have nowhere to go, but you can stay here as long as you need to, as long as you have to, ok?

He looked up at me, his eyes glistening, but somehow managed a smile.

“That’s what the hotel told me too.” He said, still smiling.

“That’s not what I meant,” I said shaking my head.

“I know,” he said, patting my hand where it sat on his shoulder. “I was trying to lighten the mood.”

“It’s alright Niall,” I said, removing my hand, suddenly feeling a bit unsettled. “I meant what I said though, I’m sorry Courtney isn’t here.”

“I’m sorry for dumping all of this on you,” he said, pulling out his wallet. I reached for mine as well, and he shook his head, so I figured he could pay, and chalk it up to a therapy bill.

“Niall, you obviously need to talk and get this out,” I said. I’m glad you let me listen, and I hope it helped a bit.”

Niall thought about it for a second, and then he smiled again, wider this time. It lit up his whole face.

“I think it might have,” he said. “I think it did help some, and Sean?”

“Yeah,” I asked, wondering what else he needed.

“I’m glad you were here to be my friend.


	6. Playing dress-up with a celebrity

Niall seemed almost embarrassed when we walked out of the restaurant, as if he couldn’t believe he had shared so much after all. He squinted in the sunshine, and clapped his sunglasses on again. Standing next to him, I didn’t really know what kind of reaction he was hoping for, or what kind he was afraid of, so I decided to just take it slow. If he felt anything like I had last night, he was feeling bit raw and exposed, and I wanted to give him time to collect himself, to heal himself back up in whatever way he did that. I decided to just take it slow, and let him set the place. Maybe he’d still want to talk to me, or embarrassed, he’d push me away.

“What do you want to do now?” I quietly asked, looking up and down the street. We’d been in the restaurant longer than I thought, a good chunk into the afternoon, and I needed to get back to the shop at some point today. On the other hand, I couldn’t just leave Niall the way he was.

“Like I said, I want to clear my head for a while,” Niall answered, shrugging. “I thought I’d stay here for a bit, hang out, do nothing. We have some interviews coming up, but I have a couple of weeks. Until then, I just want to be myself, you know? I never get to do that, and I’m getting a bit tired of being one fifth.”

“I suppose I can understand,” I said, nodding. “If you’ve been doing this for the past three years or so, however you said it was, I guess I can see how you’d be feeling a bit boxed in.”

Niall nodded, looking sad again, and we started walking in the direction of the shops again, I didn’t know for sure if he still wanted to hang out, but if he didn’t we could catch the bus near there, and I could drop him off at his hotel and head back to the shop. He smiled at me.

“Sean, you’re pretty decent.” He said suddenly, smiling a wide, but toothless smile. “You’re understanding and you’re a good listener. I need more friends like you.”

“Thanks Niall,” I said, smiling back. I wasn’t sure why but his compliment let me feeling a little warm, a little flushed under his approval. “I wasn’t really asking what you wanted to do with your life though, I meant more of what you wanted to do with the rest of the afternoon.”

“Oh,” he said, grinning wider, more sheepishly. “Duh, I thought me we might go check out a couple of those shops you mentioned , if, you know you’re still up for that.”

“Sure” I said, spreading my hands. “Like I said, Niall, I’m just your tour guide. I’m good with whatever you fell like doing.”

“You don’t have to,” he said seriously. “I know you promised Courtney and all, but you don’t have to keep me entertained if you don’t want to.”

“You’re missing the point, Niall.” I said, shaking my head. “I do want to. Now, here’s the shops, if you see anywhere you’d like to go into, just say so and we’ll go in, ok?”

“Alright,” Niall answered, looking around. Tully market was more an area than a proper mall. There’s a few buildings, some of which, like a mall you can walk through, and others that just hold a bunch of separate stores. It’s a nice area, thought a bit touristy, and things are a bit pricey, but it’s also diverting, and that’s kind of what Niall needed. “What about you? Are there any shops you want to go to?”

“Niall I come here all the time,” I said. “I can shop here whenever I want to, today’s about you feeling better and being entertained. Today, this afternoon we’ll go wherever you want.”

“Cool,” Niall said, grinning. “Let’s go shopping.”

Niall failed to mention that his idea of shopping and mine were wildly different schools of thought. Mine included things like looking at price tags. I wasn’t really a penny pincher, and was more than willing to buy myself nice things, but I still looked at the tag to see how much something was, no matter how badly I wanted it. My idea of shopping also included significantly less binging, which was the only word I could think of for what he was doing. If I wanted a shirt, I went out to get one, I might come back with two or three, but I stayed reasonably close to my original plan. Niall on the other hand, looked at shirt, tried it on, and if he liked it bought one in every colour. My head was spinning, and when he finally announced that he was getting tired of shopping he had so many bags that I had to carry some of them for him. I saw him back to his hotel, and handed him his bags in the lobby.

“I had a really good time today,” he said, smiling. “Thanks for, well, for everything.”

“You’re welcome,” I said, smiling back. “I had a good time today, too, Niall.”

“Cool,” He said absently, shifting from foot to foot. We’d been getting along so we well, but suddenly things felt a bit awkward between us, and I decided to make my exit, glancing at the big clock on the wall. One of the bellboys kept glancing at us, but I didn’t really give it a second thought.

“Well, I’ve got to get back to the shop.” I said quickly, stepping back. “And you have all these bags to unpack. If you, um, you want to hang out, or something, you know where to reach me, ok?”

“I’d like that,” he said, nodding. “Maybe we could do that, um, that history thing you talked about, or something.”

“Maybe we could,” I said, shrugging. “I’ll talk to you later.”

“Bye,” he said, sounding a little sad. “I looked back as I walked toward the door, and saw him standing by the lift with his head down. He looked sad, and I realized he was alone here. The only person he knew was me, and I’d just brushed him off.

“Niall?”

“Yeah?” he asked, turning, his face brightening a bit.

“Call me if you need me, ok?” I said. “if you just need to talk, or whatever, pick up the phone, or come by. We have a big delivery coming tonight, so Piers and I will be unpacking and doing inventory. I’ll be up pretty late, ok?”

“Alright,” he said, smiling a little. “Thanks, Sean.”

“No worries,” I said, feeling a bit better about leaving. I heard the lift ding open as I walked out of the front lobby, and figured he’d be alright.

When I got back to the shop, Quinn and Kim had both gone for the day leaving Piers and Charlie there. Piers was working the till and walking the aisles, helping guests, and Charlie was behind the counter, washing dishes and serving tea and coffee for patrons that wanted it. There was always a bit of a rush at the shop around five or so, as people got off work and stopped on their way home, and there would be a steady stream of patrons until around seven or eight, when people settled into their homes for the evening. There were a few pubs around us, but most people don’t stop at a bookstore on their way to a pub, either for something to read or for a cup of coffee.

“Hey Sean,” Piers said, nodding to me as he rang up a pretty uni aged girl. I was surprised he even noticed me at all, since he was deep in conversation with her, and I grinned. As I’d said Piers was a nice boy next door type of boy, fairly normal, and blandly attractive like an Abercrombie model. Girls were always trying to chat him up, and he was always happy to respond. I nodded at him, not wanting to break his flow, and walked over to the counter.

“Hey, welcome back from your big day out,” Charlie said, rushing over to wrap me up in a big hug. Charlie greeted me with a hug every time she came to work, wether she’d just seen me or not. Her hair was braided today, two thick strands hanging down from her head, and she looked very earthy in her tie dyed skirt and plain coloured top, three or four hemp necklaces hanging down. She was our staffs lone vegetarian, and was forever trying to rally us to the cause of sweatshop workers or rainforest destruction.

“You say that, like I never leave the shop,” I said, hugging her back quickly.

“You never do,” she said matter of factly. “you didn’t eat dinner, did you? Quinn saved some of the soup from lunch. It’s back here in the fridge, and it’ll probably be ok if you zap it.”

“I’ll eat it later,” I said, smiling. “But thanks, anything for me?”

“Post’s on your desk,” she said.

The shop was full, so I knew I didn’t want to stay in my office long. People might be wandering the aisles needing help. I flipped through the post, but there wasn’t really anything important. I tried to reach Courtney again, leaving her another voicemail to please at least call me and let me know she was having a good time, and then went back to work the shop. I did that for a few hours, and was up on the first floor when Charlie let me know there was a call for me.

“Sean!” Niall bleated, and I froze, wondering what was wrong. “Sean, I need help!” Please help me, Sean, please, I have a big, big problem.”

He was babbling, his voice high and nervous, and I tried to calm him down.

“Niall, just tell me what’s wrong,” I said catching the way Piers’ head snapped when I said Niall’s name. The staff had been talking to each other again, I assumed. “What’s the problem? Just calm down, tell me what it is, and I swear I’ll do whatever I can to help, alright?”

“Reporters found me!” he whined, and I almost slammed the phone down. Here I was thinking he was in danger or hurt, and this was the problem. I knew he was supposed to be hiding, but his reaction seemed a bit extreme. “Someone knocked on my door, and I thought it might be you, so I opened it, and this bloke had a camera in my face, so I slammed it closed, but they were out there forever! I called the front desk, and they made them leave the hallway, but they’re downstairs in the lobby, and they’re waiting for me.”

I thought about this for a second.

“Niall, they can’t hold you prisoner in the hotel like that,” I said, frowning. I guessed that I could see his side of it, being hounded and having a camera shoved in his face. “They can’t just stand about in the lobby. Did you ask the front desk to make them leave?”

“They said they’re guests,” Niall said, sounding close to tears. “They must have checked in and gotten a room so that they could stake the place out. I can’t go anywhere, Sean! This isn’t fair! I just, all I wanted was a vacation, to get away, and now I can’t even walk down the hall to the ice machine!”

“Niall, calm down, please,” I said, thinking. “Listen, Niall, I promise I’m going to help alright? I promise I’ll get you out of the hotel. I won’t leave you there, alright?”

“Sean, I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m sorry I keep bothering you, but I don’t know anyone else , and I don’t know what to do. I just, I can’t think this, and I can’t even order dinner because I’m afraid the room service won’t really be them, or they’ll follow them upstairs or something.”

“Niall, don’t apologize,” I said shaking my head. I had an idea, and it seemed like it might almost work. Charlie and Piers were both standing at the till now, watching me, and I wanted to give them a rude gesture. If only there weren’t customers. “I told you to call me if you needed me, and I meant. Now listen, I have an idea, and I think we can get you out of the hotel. I want you to pack up all your stuff, right now, and I’ll be there alright?”

“Alright,” Niall said, sounding a bit relieved. “Alright, thanks Sean.”

“You’re welcome,” I said absently, planning in my head. “I’ll be over straight away, alright?”

“Alright,” Niall answered, and gave me his suite number.

He hung up, so I did as well, and then rain upstairs to my loft to grab a hoodie. Running back downstairs, I crossed through the storeroom, and found Piers and Charlie waiting for me. I handed the hoodie to Piers, who was more or less the proper height for this. Piers, was a bit thicker than Niall, but this would work. I hoped it would, at least.

“Do you have sunglasses?” I asked, and Piers nodded. “Put that hoodie on, I need your help.”

“What’s going on?” Charlie asked, as Piers pulled on the hoodie over his chest.

“We’ve got to smuggle Niall out of the hotel,” I explained. “Some reporters found him, and they’re camped out in the lobby, waiting for him to leave his room. Charlie, will you be alright by yourself for about twenty minutes?”

“Yeah, I think so,” she said, looking around. The shop wasn’t too busy and we were closing soon, anyway. “You’re taking Piers with you?”

“Yeah,” I answered, turning to Piers. “I mean, if Pier’s is alright with helping out.”

“I don’t mind,” he said, shrugging. “What’s the hoodie for?”

“Disguise,” I answered, smirking.

“Disguise?” Charlie asked, looking at me as if I were on heavy drugs.

“No way they’re going to believe I’m Niall Horan,” Piers said, holding up his hands.

“No, but if we do this right, they’ll think Niall’s you,” I said, grabbing my car keys. “Come on then.”

On the way over to the hotel, I explained to Piers what I thought we should do, and he agreed that it seemed sound. I pulled around the back to the lot, telling the valet that we were there to pick up a friend, and he let us park. Piers pulled the hood over his head, covering his hair, and then put on his sunglasses, despite it being past nightfall, and we got out of the car.

“I can’t see a bloody thing,” Piers whispered, leaning toward me.

“I promise, I won’t let you walk into anything,” I whispered back. We walked around the side, ignoring the back entrance because we wanted to come in the front, where the reporters would be. “You read? Let’s do this.”

“Piers and I breezed into the lobby, chatting loudly about football, and Piers threw his head back in laughter, so loud that everyone glanced at us at least once. We moved quickly toward the lift, and I saw a group on the front sofas who had to be the reporters. They eyed us speculatively, taking in the hood and the sunglasses and started to get up, glancing at each other as if to confirm that they all had the same suspicion, and I nudged Piers on the side.

“Hood,” I whispered before raising my voice to continue the faux discussion. “Can you believe that match?”

“Yeah, it was fantastic!” Piers bellowed as I hit the lift button. The reporters were starting to stand, and then Piers reached up and pulled his hood back, revealing his straight dark hair. He was very obviously not Niall, and the two of us slit into the lift without anyone saying a word. Piers grinned at me, pulling off his sunglasses. “I think it worked.”

“I think it might have, I said nodding. I hit a few floors, so that they wouldn’t see us go directly to Niall’s if they were watching the number display in the lobby, although that was probably a bit paranoid. “At least the first bit, anyway come on, let’s go get Niall.”

We knocked on Niall’s suite door, and I told him it was me. He pulled it open, and Piers and I slid inside, checking behind us to make sure no one was in the hall. As soon as he saw me Niall’s eyes lit up, and he hugged me quickly, his strong arms crushing me to his chest. I saw two suitcases and a bag neatly stacked next to the sofa, waiting.

“Thank you!” he said, letting me go. “Thank you so much for coming!”

“Niall, this is Piers,” I said, waving toward him. Niall took Piers’ hand, shaking it, and grinned at him. It was a bit reserved, but Niall was so relieved to see me that he didn’t really say anything. “Piers works with me and he’s going to help get you out of here. Piers, give Niall the hoodie and your sunglasses, and Niall put them on.”

“What are going to do?” Niall asked. I noticed that Niall was wearing jeans, just like Piers. I wouldn’t have to make him go unpack something and change. “They’ll see through this, they’re looking for me.”

“Yeah, but they’re not looking for Piers,” I answered, convinced that this would work. Piers grinned at my quick thinking and Niall pulled on the hoodie. “They all just watched us walk in together. I bet if they see us walking out they won’t even give you a second glance. Piers is going to wait until you and I are on the lift, and then he’s going to come down with the bags and go out the back door, straight into the parking lot.”

“Should we take one or two of the bags?” Niall asked, looking at his luggage pile. “They’re a bit heavy.”

“I can get them,” Piers said, shaking his head. “Besides, we didn’t come in with any, so you probably shouldn’t go out with any. You lot ready?”

“Yeah,” I answered, looking at Niall. He nodded, pulling the hood over his hair and sliding on Piers’ sunglasses on.

“Alright,” Piers said, slapping us both on the shoulder. “See you lads in the parking lot.”

Against all possible odds, my hastily conceived plan actually worked. Niall was a bit nervous, and almost froze in panic when the lift doors opened, but I whispered to him that everything would be fine, and we breezed through the lobby without the reporters even giving us a second glance. We walked casually back around the side, and climbed into my car. Niall pulled off his sunglasses, grinning and crushed me against him in an awkward hug over the gearshift as he breathed thanks against my neck. He smelled good, like shampoo and aftershave, and something clean and fresh underneath. I pulled away quickly not wanting to notice that.

“There’s Piers,” I said quickly, pointing. I popped the boot and hopped out of the car, helping Piers throw the back in. He and I slammed the lid and climbed into the car.

“We did it!” Piers said, grinning and slapping Niall a high five from his spot in the back seat.

“Thank you so much,” Niall said grinning at him. “Thank you both.”

“Let’s get back to the shop,” I said, pulling out of the parking area before our luck ran out.

Niall and Piers talked quietly all the way back, Niall asking Piers a lot of questions about where he was from and what he was doing in university and things like that, and Piers asked Niall about awards shows and people he knew and wether or not Cher Lloyd was hot in person as she looked on television. When we got to the shop, pulling around the back to park the car, we discovered the delivery truck had come early, and was pulling in at the loading dock already. I knew Charlie wouldn’t abandon the till to come unlock the back, especially not when she was starting on closing stuff, so I figured I’d better run over to the guy and smooth things over.

“Piers, why don’t you just take Niall inside and wait for me, and I’ll take care of getting this stuff brought in and signed for,” I suggested, hopping out of the car. “Help Charlie close up, and Niall, I swear I’ll be in soon. Let me just take care of this alright.”

“Sure,” Niall said, nodding.

He got his bags out of the boot and followed Piers through the back door as I got the loading dock unlocked and showed the two guys with the truck where to put the boxes down. Niall looked a bit unsettled, but I figured he’d be in good hands with Piers, and I stayed out back until the trucks were unloaded, taking inventory and signing for the delivery. Out front I could hear the three of them talking, although I wasn’t sharp enough to pick out the words, but I didn’t hear any raised voices or fighting, so I figured Niall was getting along fine with the two of them, and wasn’t in their way. I knew Charlie, with her save the world, excessively nurturing personality, would have him taken care of, probably sitting him down in one of the armchairs with a cup of coffee, if he drank that, and biscuits or something from the bakery case. I locked up the dock, tipping the delivery men, and walked through the storeroom and into the front, completely surprised to find Niall stacking the chairs in the café area on the tabletops.

“Niall, what are you doing?” I asked, looking around. Charlie was drying dishes behind the counter, and Piers was on the first level running a vacuum over the carpeting.

“I got bored, and I felt a bit useless,” Niall answered, without pausing. “I asked what I could do to help out, so Charlie said I could wipe down the tables and put the chairs up.”

“Charlie said you could, did she?” I said, smirking at her.

“He wanted to work, I gave him some work,” Charlie said, waving a dishtowel at me. “Look, everything’s basically done. I’ll drop the rubbish in the bin on my way out, and I ordered Pizza for you and Piers to eat while you do the stock tonight. Have a good night, ok? And Niall, it was nice meeting you, I to see you around some more.”

“Thanks,” he said, shaking her hand. “It was nice meeting you, too.”

Charlie picked up her back and the rubbish bags, yelled goodnight up to Piers, and then left out the back door. Piers kept on vacuuming upstairs, straightening the shelves as he went, and Niall watched as I began to empty off one of the front display tables, stacking the books carefully next to it. Niall, sweeping the café floor, watched me curiously.

“What are you doing?” He asked, I was tempted to ask him the same question, as the sight of him pushing a broom and looking around for a dustpan seemed completely incongruous with who he was.

“Some of the books that came in are new releases, so I’m clearing off this table for them,” I answered, checking the clock. The Pizza would be here in another ten minutes. “Piers! Pizza in ten”

“I’ll be down by then,” Piers said, winding up the vacuum cord. “You want money?”

“Pizza’s on me,” I answered, still stacking. “You know, for helping out tonight. Finish up that stuff, we’ll eat, and then we’ll get the stocking knocked out”

“Sure boss,” Piers said, leaning over the balcony to smirk at me. “Thanks for the eats.”

“What should I do?” Niall asked, looking around. His bags were still sitting by the counter, and I realized that I’d kind of forgotten him. I walked over and handed him a wad of money from my wallet.

“The pizza guy is going to come to the front door,” I said, pointing. “When he does, pay him, and grab some plates and napkins from the counter there. I have to move my car from out back to the garage across the street, but I’ll be back straight away.”

“What about after we eat?” Niall asked, Now that he’d run out of things to do to distract him, he looked a little disheartened again. “I mean, they’re probably looking at the other hotels, too. Where am I going to go?”

I thought about it for a second.

“Well, the sofa in my loft folds out,” I said. “If you don’t mind hanging out with me, you can stay upstairs.”

“No, Sean, I can’t do that.” Niall said quickly, holding up his hands. “I mean, it’s one thing for you to hang out with me and take me around the city, but I can’t stay in your home. It isn’t fair to you, and I don’t want to impose.”

“Niall, you’re not imposing,”I said. “you need somewhere to stay, it’s late, and I have a sofa, you can stay with me, and I honestly don’t mind.”

“Are you sure?” he asked again, his lips pursed together in a tentative slash across his face. “You’re sure you don’t mind.”

“Niall I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t mean it,” I answered, rolling my eyes. It’s not as if I were offering him one of my kidneys or something. “Now get the pizza, and I’ll go move my car, alright.”

“Thank, Sean,” Niall said.

Up above, I caught Piers looking down at us speculatively, one eyebrow raised, but he leaned back when he saw me, not saying anything. As I’d thought before, the staff were getting a lot of mileage out of this new friendship thing, and I could only imagine what they were saying all day when I hadn’t been in the shop. It was hard to fault them for it, because when you’re family in all the good ways, you are in all the bad ways, too. We criticized each other, talked about each other’s boyfriends or grilfriends, gossiped among the rest of us about what we thought was going on in each other’s lives. We never hurt each other, but sometimes our tongues had a way of getting away from us, and I was guessing that the three of them were building up a lot out of nothing. Honestly, I was taking a friend around a city, and now I was letting him sleep on my sofa. Why was everyone giving me these weird looks and making such a big deal out of it? There wasn’t even anything there to make a big deal out of, for heaven’s sake. Why did they think there was?

And why did I feel like there was?

And where the devil had that thought come from?

I pulled out my mobile and stood out in front of the garage, calling Courtney again.

“Hey Courtney, it’s Sean. I don’t know what’s going out down there that you can’t at least return a phone call, but I hope everything’s alright. Niall had a bit of trouble with reporters finding his hotel, which I didn’t think was really that big a deal, but apparently he’s hiding or something, so I told him he could stay over here. Both of us are eagerly awaiting to hear from you, and I also feel like saying that I don’t think you’re being a good friend to him right now, and I’m a bit disappointed in you. Call me soon alright?”

I didn’t know when or if she was planning to call back, but I was really starting to become irritated with her. Justin would never have been so inconsiderate, but I guess that just went to show that you couldn’t always judge a person based on their siblings. As I walked back across the street, I saw Piers and Niall taking a couple of chairs down so that we could sit, the pizza box between them on the table. The two of them were talking and smiling, and they both looked up when I opened the door.

“There he is now,” Piers said, pushing out a chair for me.

“What?” I asked, locking up the front door behind me, “Were you two talking about me?”

“Not really,” Niall answered. Not really? What kind of an answer was that, especially to a yes or no question? “Look, the pizza’s here.”

“So it is,” I said carefully, looking back and forth between the two of them as I sat down. They both looked a bit amused, but neither of them said anything else. Niall had been here for twenty minutes, and he and Piers were already sharing secrets? Damn him and his charm.

“So what are we going to down now?” Niall asked, waiting until Piers and I had a slice on our plates before taking one of his own.

“Piers and I are going to unpack the new inventory,” I answered.

“Can I help?” Niall asked. I waited for Piers to tell him no, After all, the stockroom was Piers’ domain, and the rest of us were only grudgingly admitted because we happened to work here. He wouldn’t let some stranger just wander in and touch things.

“Sure,” Piers answered. “I’ll show you what to do.”

The two of them smiled at each other, and I felt that irritation scratching at me again. What had the two of them been talking about while I was parking the car? And why did I suddenly feel jealous at not being included?


	7. Just an ordinary boy

I continued to wonder what Niall and Piers had been talking about all through dinner, and I kept watching them over the top of my pizza and can of coke, looking for clues. I didn’t really catch any, but the two of them seemed to be getting along pretty well as they made small talk about Piers’ classes. Piers asked Niall a bit about recording, and how they make a record, and I listened as well, curious to hear about it. I knew nothing of studios and tracks and mixing boards, so it was all interesting, but I was more interested in their interaction. The two of them made eye contact several times, but Niall seemed uncomfortable meeting my eyes, except when Piers was looking away. I wondered what had happened, but the two of them seemed to have come to a sort of understanding. I just wished I knew what about.

After we finished the pizza, we all washed our hands, not wanting to handle brand new books with greasy hands, and Niall did the dishes and wiped down the table while Piers and I began wheeling boxes out of the storeroom on the trolley, dropping them near the shelves they were meant to go on. We stored some books in the back, but for the most part we stored the extras on top of the shelves, out of reach of the customers, but up where we could see them. After we’d laid out most of the boxes Piers and I began to carry some to the first floor, and Niall tried to help, grabbing one off the trolley.

“Where does this go?” he asked, holding it. He’d pushed up the sleeves of his shirt, and I could see veins snaking across his forearm.

“Up top,” Piers said, “drop it by the children’s section.”

“Where’s that?” Niall asked, starting up the steps.

“Look around,” Piers answered. “You’ll find it.”

“Niall, you don’t have to help us stock up,” I said quickly, following him up the stairs. I grabbed the box, but he wouldn’t let go of it. “Niall.”

“I want to help,” he said, shaking his head.

“You don’t have to,” I repeated. “It’s stupid, you’re a guest, go sit down and read or something or, I don’t know. I didn’t invite you over to put you to work.”

“Look, I said I want to help, alright?” He said, still gripping the box tightly. We were about to tumble down the steps. “You want me to just sit there and watch you lot stock the shelves? That’s daft.”

“You don’t even know where anything goes,” I said shaking my head. “It’s Piers’ job to do this, and mine, we’ve got it under control, you don’t need to do this.”

“And you don’t have to treat me with kid gloves all of a sudden,” Niall said, wrenching the box away.

“Niall, it’s not as if you owe me anything, alright?” I said. I didn’t want him to think I expected anything from him, but something else was bothering me, too. I felt uncomfortable suddenly with having Niall around, staying with me, and now helping me with the shop. I kept thinking in the back of my mind about what Piers must be thinking, and what the others would say. I felt as if I’d let Niall in too quickly and it bothered me, as stupid as it sounded.

“Sean,” Piers said sharply behind me, standing on the steps with what had to be a heavy box. “He wants to help, let him help, and both of you, get out of my way.”

“Sorry,” I said quickly, moving away.

I circled around the railing and went back down the other stairs, leaving Niall and Piers to work up there while setting up the displays and unloading boxes on the bottom floor. The two of them kept talking, but I worked in silence, eventually popping a cd into the shop’s audio system to distract myself. I still felt uncomfortable with Niall being here the more I thought about it, and wondered what the hell I’d been thinking when I impulsively invited him to stay. When we finally finished, Piers bid us both a good night, and let himself out with his key. Niall picked up his bags.

“Time to go upstairs?” he asked, smiling tentatively.

“Yeah, let’s go,” I said, leading him through the storeroom.

I unlocked the back door of the storeroom and led Niall up the stairwell, locking the door again behind me and arming the building alarm system. At the top of the stairs, which were a bit narrow, I unlocked the loft and stepped inside, letting Niall follow me in.

“WOW,” he said looking around. “This is really, um, it’s really nice, it’s not what I’d expected.”

I looked at him, wondering what he’d been expecting. The floors were nice, hardwood, which I’d discovered with the contractor when we peeled up the linoleum after Justin died. I’d broken up the separate areas with large rugs, except for the kitchen, which I’d left tiled for cleanup, and the little gym area where I had a treadmill and exercise bike. I’d put down a square of indoor outdoor carpet there, in case I dripped sweat on it, and there was runner of carpet connecting my bedroom cubicle to the bathroom, so that I wouldn’t have to walk on the cold floor in the middle of the night. I had the bathroom walls build out of those cubes of glass, so that light got in, but you really couldn’t see inside. The glass walls of my bedroom were clear, but I had curtains on the inside for privacy, and I remembered that I would have to close them tonight for mine and Niall’s benefit, so that we could both have our own space.

“What do you mean?” I asked, checking the phone, No messages from Courtney, or from anyone else. I dropped my keys on the table next to the phone, and walked over to the sofa.

“I guess, I don’t know, when I think of a loft I think of something a bit more, grungy or something, like thrown together,” Niall said, walking around. There were hanging lights on the ceiling that could be switched on in sections to discreetly light the different areas, and I flicked on the ones over the living room. “this is a lot cooler, like a house, but with no walls or anything and a view.”

Niall walked over to the windows as he said it, and they were the crowning feature of place, one I’d been happy to preserve. They were tall, soaring multi-paned glass, two metres high. They’d all been resealed, to keep the place from being drafty, and being on the second floor meant that I got a lot of heat from below in winter, so I didn’t have to worry about the high ceilings killing my utility fees. I’d had a wide still built all the way around , so that whenever you were in the loft, on any of the four sides, you could sit by the glass and stare out at the city. I turned away, my eyes catching a picture of Justin and I on the bookcases. There were six pictures of us over there, on different shelves, and I looked at all of them, swallowing thickly. All this talking with Niall had put Justin on my mind again, and he was weighing heavily there.

“Sean?” Niall asked, quietly from directly behind me, startling me. I turned around trying to cover it, but Niall caught it. “sorry”

“What’s up?” I asked, taking a step back away from him. I covered it by walking toward the living room square, sitting on one of the armchairs so that I wouldn’t have to six next to him.

“Did I do something wrong?” Niall asked, standing with his hands in his pockets.

“What do you mean?” I asked neutrally.

“Did I do something wrong?” he asked again. “Because, I don’t know, I thought you and I were ok, we talked, we hung out, we had that really great day together, and now all of a sudden you’re snapping at me again. It’s like when we first met at the airport, and I wanted to know what I did.”

I was about to tell him that it wasn’t like that, but he was right. I had been snapping at him, and I’d even admitted it to myself earlier. I just didn’t really think he’d pick up on it so quickly. I kept underestimating him, and I should really stop doing that.

“I’m sorry Niall,” I said looking down. “I Know I’ve been a bit snappy with you tonight, and it’s because I’m a douchebag.”

“Huh?” he asked, cocking his head to the side. He dropped to his knees, jeans stretching tightly across his thighs, so that we were eye to eye. “Sean, what’s the matter?”

“You,” I answered, and he sucked in a breath is surprise. “I’m being a tool because of you.”

I stood up quickly, walking away from him into one of the darker parts of the loft, staring out through the windows. Niall stood, under the lights, watching me. I could see him reflected in the window glass, his face turned down at the edges.

“I don’t understand,” he said finally. His voice was tight, and I thought I heard a tremble in it. “Please, tell what I’ve done.”

“Nothing, Niall,” I said shaking my head. “Nothing that deserves the treatment I’ve been giving you, do you know how many people have been in this place since Justin died?”

“I don’t know,” Niall answered, shrugging. “Twenty? Thirty? You have a lot of friends.”

“I do, but I go their homes,” I answered. “if I go out at all. Nine people have been in here, only nine. Courtney, her parents, my parents, Kim, Quinn, Piers and Charlie, that’s it.”

“Why?” Niall asked, looking around. “you could fit like fifty people in here, your table even sits eight.”

“I don’t know, I’m not good with people, Niall.” I answered finally. “I never have been, Justin was the one who was social, and without him, I’ve kind of just shut down. It’s , it’s just hard for me, Niall, ok? I’ve been thinking all along about your walls, and I forgot mine, and I guess when my brain realized you were sliding behind them, they all went back up, and I’m sorry.”

Niall just sighed, looking at his feet.

“I understand,” he said finally. “I feel sort of the same way, I told you before, it’s hard to talk to people. It’s hard for me to get used to people, and I, it was difficult to talk to you. It felt better to let it out, and to have you listen, but it was difficult for me, too, and you didn’t push it. That matters to me a lot Sean. I guess what I’m trying to say is, I respect your walls. Piers and I talked about the, sort of.”

“What?” I asked, turning around.

“When you went to park the car,” Niall said, blushing. “He, uh, he asked what my intentions were toward you.”

“What?” I blurted out, I’d kill him, I’d kill all of them. Piers wouldn’t have thought about that on his own. “What did you tell him?”

“I said I wanted to be your friend,” Niall said, and I remembered earlier thinking how much I wanted to be his friend, as well. This couldn’t be a bad thing, this being friends with him. I just had to take it slow, “I also had to promise not to fuck you up.”

“I’ve never heard you swear,” I said, smiling.

“I’ve trained myself not to do it a lot, what with there always being someone listening and all,” he said grinning as well. “And it wasn’t me who said it.”

“Come on, let’s get that sofa unfolded,” I said walking over to it. It was late and moving all those boxes had worn me more than I’d thought, and he was meant to be relaxing. “Are we good then?”

“Yeah, we’re alright,” Niall answered. “If you want me to go somewhere else tomorrow I can find another place.”

“No,” I said shaking my head. His bright blue eyes were widely solemn. “Not unless you want to. I invited you to stay, and if you want to, then I want you to stay.”

“Then I will,” Niall said, smiling again.

After we got the sofa unfolded, I showed Niall where all the lights were, and then I went into the bathroom and brushed my teeth and took care of my other business. When I came out, Niall had changed into a pair of pajama bottoms decorated by the calvin klein logo, and clinging white wife-beater. He was barefoot, his back to me, as he looked through his suitcase for something, probably his toothbrush and I walked quickly to the bedroom.

“Good night Niall,” I said, shutting my door.

“Good night,” he called, as I pulled the curtains all the way around. The inside of the bedroom alcove was pretty roomy. I had a large bed, and armoire, and a pair of tables with lamps. There was room to walk around and get changed in the large open area at the foot of the bed, and I was just about to turn off the lamp when Niall tapped softly at the door. “Sean?”

“Yes, Niall?” I answered, opening the door. He stood before me, barefoot, and the rest of the loft was dark behind me.

“I just wanted to say thank you for everything,” Niall said. “For listening to me, and making me feel better, and giving me a place to stay, and for apologizing for something you shouldn’t have to apologize for, since you wouldn’t have acted that way if I wasn’t here. I’m kind of glad Courtney isn’t here, because you’re a nice guy Sean, and I, well, I need more friends like you.”

“I’m not that nice, Niall.” I said, smiling at him. “but you’re welcome.”

“Yes you are,” Niall said, suddenly wrapping me in a hug. His arms were strong around me, and his grip was firm. “You’re a really nice guy, and I’d be lucky to have someone like you.”

“Good night Niall,” I said pulling away.

“Good night,” he whispered, giving me a last queeze before he hurried into the darkness, blushing.

I closed the door and flicked off the lights, trying not to think about what he’d just said, and what it might have meant. He said friend, and that was it, nothing more. I kept thinking about it as I pulled off my clothes, stripping down, even though I wanted to be thinking about anything else. In the dark, I could almost feel Niall’s hands brushing over my shoulders as he squeezed me tightly, hugging me goodnight. I slid into bed, glancing at the nightstand I couldn’t see, and the picture of Justin and I that I knew rested there. Eventually I fell asleep.

I woke up just before my alarm clock went off, and dug through my closet to find a bathrobe. I didn’t usually have a need for one, as I tended to just pad around the loft in my boxers or towel or whatever I happened to have on, but I didn’t want Niall to wake up and spot me walking around naked on my way back from the shower. I couldn’t say for sure why that thought bothered me, since I’d been naked in locker rooms with lots of my male friends before, but I just didn’t feel comfortable doing it in front of Niall. Somehow it seemed wrong, like hugging him last night had seemed wrong, too. I knew he was just looking for comfort, to feel better about everything that was going on with him, and that was completely understandable, right? When he said he’d be lucky to have a guy like me, he’d meant a friend, and that was all. I was just tired, and misreading him again. I pulled on the robe and walked down the runner to the bathroom.

After I was showered and dressed, I hastily made my bed, something I didn’t usually do. There was no point when you were just going to get back in it again, and nobody was going to come upstairs to see it. When I was done I went back out to the loft, walking quietly, carrying my shoes in my hand so they wouldn’t make noise on the pieces of floor between the carpets. I peeked carefully over the top of the sofa to check on Niall, and smiled. It was nice to see him completely relaxed, his face smooth, mouth a little open. The covers were pulled tightly around him. He was trying to bury his face in the pillow, as if attempting to escape the light. One bare shoulder rose above the covers, pale and smooth, and I reached down and caught the edge of the comforter in my fingers, pulling it back over him. He made a little noise, and squirmed a little, burrowing in tighter, and I smiled again. He was kind of cute like that, all sleepy and innocent, sunlight just starting to stream through the windows, catching in his amber lashes.

I spent a minute to two going through the phone table, until I found the other set of keys to the loft. They tinkled softly, and I tried to muffle them, not wanting to wake him up, as I pulled them out and looked at them, swallowing the lump in my throat. I’d forgotten they had a shamrock keychain, another momento from another trip with Justin, I glanced around at the nearest picture of him a little guilty, knowing that he’d just watched me watching Niall sleep. Justin would never have disapproved of me having a new friend, or taking care of someone who needed help, but I still felt a flush creeping over my skin as I remembered hugging Niall in the doorway to the bedroom the night before. It wasn’t so much that I’d hugged him back, the reason I felt guilty is that I’d liked it.

I pulled the keychain off, dropped it back in the drawer, and left Niall a note on the door of the loft before I went downstairs to start the opening chores.

“Niall –

I didn’t want to wake you this morning, so I snuck out without saying anything. There’s food in the fridge if you’re hungry. Towels are in the tall cabinet In the bathroom, and you can just drop it in the hamper when you’re done. If you want to check your e-mail, the computer is on. I’ll be downstairs all day, some down if you’re bored or you need something. If you just want to stay in and all people or hang out or whatever, there are DVD’s on the bottom of the entertainment centre. I don’t have any video games, but there are games on the computer. (don’t kill my sims please!)

Hope you slept alright, and I’ll be done working around dinner time if I don’t see you before then.

Sean.

PS: here’s my mobile number, in case you need something, but don’t want to come downstairs.

I figured he’d be alright with that, I met Kim down on the ground floor as she began bringing in bakery boxes in.

“Running a little behind this morning,” she said, smirking. “Late night?”

“Well, Piers and I did have all that stocking to do,” I said, shrugging, as I went to get the newspapers. “Good morning to you, too.”

“I head you lot had a bit of help,” Kim said, filling up the case, her voice a bit playful. She was a black wraith in hanging lacy wraps this morning, one even wrapped around her head like a turban.

“Don’t you people have lives?” I asked, shaking my head. “Do you have nothing better to do than call each other and gossip?”

“Actually, I ran into Charlie in my lobby, oh defensive one,” Kim said, shaking her head. “That happens sometimes, what with she and I living in the same building, you know? She just mentioned that, you know, you had a houseguest. How’s that working out for you?”

“What’s everyone’s problem?” I snapped, wheeling the empty trolley into the storeroom. “Why do all four of you have something to say about this? Alright, I hung out with a friend, and yeah he’s going to stay with me for a bit, what the devil’s the big issue?”

Kim sighed, shaking her head, and I wanted to slap her.

“What?” I snapped, starting to take the chairs down as she switched on the coffee machines. “Just say it.”

“Alright,” she said, crossing her arms. “None of us have a problem. It’s a little amusing, actually. I mean, you were all pissy about having to pick him up, and then the two of you get into not one, but two fights, by now all of a sudden you’re hanging out and he’s sleeping on your sofa. Like I said, we’re a little amused, but none of us have a really have an issue with who you hang out with, or what you do with them. The only one who really seems to have a problem, actually, is you, so maybe I should bounce that question back. What’s the big issue, Sean?”

I sat down on the edge of the counter, and she came and sat next to me.

“I don’t know,” I said finally. “I just, he’s not as bad I thought, like I told you lot yesterday, he really is quite nice.”

“But?” she asked, waiting. “I can feel one coming.”

“I don’t know,” I said shrugging. “I realize I barely know him, but he and I seem to really connect sometimes. We’re really different, but we seem to think about a lot of the same things the same way, and it’s just kind of nice to have someone to talk to.”

“I still hear that ‘but’ you’re not saying,” Kim said, tapping a nail on the counter.

“I feel guilty,” I said, looking down. That was the truth, finally, behind everything else. “I’ve been hanging out with a nice bloke, having a good time, and even though nothing’s going on, nothing like that, I still feel bad. I feel bad for going out and having fun, or, actually, I feel bad for going out and having fun with someone else.”

Kim nodded, and then got up, walking away from me.

“You know what you need?” she said, walking behind the counter as I finished putting the chairs down. I looked at her questioningly, waiting. “You need some tea, and maybe a nice biscuit.”

“That’s it?” I said, confused. I’d forgotten, for a second, that as bitter goth girl, she wasn’t allowed directly be nice to anyone. “I tell you I feel guilty, and you tell me to have some tea?”

“It’ll help you think,” she said, pouring one for me and one for herself. She dropped some milk in mine, knowing how I liked it, and pushed it across the counter. I picked it up after I unlocked the front doors. “And you have a lot to think about.”

“I know,” I sighed, flicking on the lights. “pop something calm into the stereo? Piers and I had greenday in there last night.”

“Sure,” she said, leaning into the storeroom, where the sound system was. “You know Sean, Justin wouldn’t mind you having a friend.”

I froze, staring at her back.

“I know you’re about to snap at me for bringing him up, but one of us has to.” Kim said quietly. “Justin wouldn’t want you to sit up in your loft without ever talking to anyone. He’d want you to go out and live your life and have fun.”

“Would he?” I asked icily. I knew what she meant, and that she meant well. The five of us in the shop had started together, and when Justin was gone, we mourned him together. Kim might have been the only one who would say this, the only one who would be this direct with me, but I knew that if she was saying it, they were all thinking it.

“Yeah,” Kim answered, turning around, her eyes locking on mine. “He would, the problem isn’t Justin, Sean. It’s you, and how you feel, and that’s what you need to think about.”

It was hard to argue with someone who was right.

I spent the day helping people and doing general sort of tasks that always popped up, but I also spent it thinking. Kim was right, and in a way. I’d known all along that Justin wouldn’t care if I made a new friend, or how much I hung out with him. I’d known that last night, when I apologized to Niall for snapping at him. It wasn’t that I liked Niall as a person that was really bothering me. It was that, just a little bit, I could kind of see the possibility that I might like him a little more than that, or that there was a least the potential that I might. It was hard to explain, even to myself. I didn’t like Niall as more than a friend, or at least I didn’t think I did, but I could see that someday, I might, and I felt guilty about that. I felt bad for thinking about someone who wasn’t Justin.

Part of the problem was Niall himself. He was fit, there was no denying that. He was in great shape, and he had this energy and enthusiasm about him. His whole face lit up when he smiled, but when he frowned, it was like hitting a dimmer switch. He was a lot smarter than I had initially given him credit for, too, and had a bit more depth. I realized that I hadn’t really seen Niall, the real Niall, until yesterday when we’d talk about him. Before then I had seen the one I’d wanted to see, and had painted everything he did to fit that picture of who I thought he was supposed to be. Now that I’d seen behind that, seen a bit of who he was and what he was really like, I had to admit that under different circumstances I might actually be a bit interested in him, or could be.

We weren’t under different circumstances though, Justin was from a different world. He was interested in a friend, and someone to listen to him, not in someone who just thought he was fit. And I wasn’t interested either. I loved Justin, and I wasn’t going to betray his memory by going after the first fit fellow who wandered by and seemed a bit interested in me. Actually that wasn’t true either, a fair amount of lads had tried to chat me up since I’d lost Justin. Working in a book shop you met lads all the time, and every once in a while one of them expressed interest, but I was feeling so torn up, now though so snappish and confused, was that I felt a little interested. I felt a small spark of something, and I didn’t understand what I should do with that feeling, or even if I should do anything. Kim was right, I needed to think, and I tried to all day, but my thoughts seemed to circle themselves in my skull, leading me nowhere.

Why couldn’t Courtney have stayed here and entertained her friend, herself?

Niall didn’t come down all day, and by lunchtime he had drifted out of my thoughts as we fell into our daily routine. Charlie was on the morning shift today, and she kept trying to convince Kim and I that we should have the poet from the other night back for another reading, because she was just about to publish another boo. From the business sense, I could see the point of having her back, especially since she’d brought so many potential customers with her, but from a personal perspective, I couldn’t think of anything I wanted less than a second reading. Kim seemed to feel the same way, but Charlie wouldn’t give up, and I wondered how long it would take her to wear us down.

“Just think about it!” she called as I walked through the storeroom to the stairway doors just before dinner. Charlie was about to leave, and Quinn snickered as she hung up her jacket in the back.

“Maybe,” I said. “and I’m only giving it a maybe if you line up someone else before then, someone a bit less, well, less like her. Good night ladies, call if you need me.”

“We won’t need you,” Kim said, smirking.

I shook my head, climbing the stairs. When I opened the door, two things struck me. The first was that the loft smelled like food, not like gourmet food or anything, but like someone was cooking, and I saw a couple of pots on the stove. The second was that I didn’t own any music like what I was hearing, and as I watched Niall’s back, where he stood before the sink, in a t-shirt and jeans, barefoot, I realized that he was beat boxing and dancing along. When I closed the door he jumped, stopping and turning around to grin.

“Hey,” he said, smiling. He began walking over toward me.

“Hey,” I said, nodding toward the stove. “What’s all this?”

“I was making dinner, and I thought I might make you some too.” Niall answered. “it’s not fancy, because you know, I don’t know how to cook. Potatoes, pasta and some sausage I found in the fridge, I wanted to do something nice for you.”

“Niall, you don’t have to do anything for me,” I said shaking my head. He surprised me by hugging me tightly, and I stood, unsure as to what to do.

“I know, but I wanted to thank you,” Niall whispered, his head on my shoulder. “I wanted to say thanks for being so good to me, and for being my friend, and for, well.”

He didn’t say anything, holding me tightly, and I thought about how warm he was, and how strong his arms felt, and how good he smelled. Niall carefully pulled back, his arms still around my shoulders, and I stared into his bright blue eyes, frozen.

“I wanted to be nice, because I like you,” Niall whispered, and then I felt his lips flutter across mine, light and quick.


	8. Just an ordinary boy...sort of

I blinked, stiffening a bit, as Niall’s mouth pressed softly against mine, and he felt it. His eyes popped open and he stepped back, letting go of me, his hand flying up to his mouth. His bright blue eyes looked panicked, remorseful, and he immediately turned away, a bright red flush creeping up his neck as I tried to figure out what to do.

“Niall,” I began, unsure of what I was going to follow it with.

“I’m sorry,” he said quickly, his voice shaking. He started to hurry toward the bathroom, probably trying to get away from me. In the loft your only options are there or the bedroom, and the bathroom was closer.

“Niall, wait,” I said, putting a hand on his arm. I didn’t grab him very tightly, but as soon as I touched him he just froze and kind of wilted, his shoulders slumping as he stared at the floor. “Niall?”

“I’m sorry,” he repeated, he sounded like a little boy, his voice soft, and he wouldn’t raise his eyes to meet mine. “I’m so stupid. I just, I thought.”

I didn’t quite know how to react myself, so I gave into the first impulse that popped up in my head. Reaching out, I scooped him into a tight hug, pressing him against me, my hands firm on his back.

“It’s alright, Niall,” I said quietly. “It’s alright, I’m not upset with you, and you’re not stupid. We need to talk about this though.”

“You’re not upset?” he asked, holding me tightly. “Are you sure?”

“Have I lied to you yet?” I asked, letting go of him. He stepped back, running a hand through his hair, but at least he was looking up into my eyes now. “I’m not upset with you.”

“Ok,” he said, smiling a bit. He was still looked flushed though, and more than a slightly embarrassed.

“I still want to talk about It, though.” I said, and saw his smile fade a bit, the corners dropping. “Do you want to talk over dinner, or now, or wait until later?”

“The Food’ll get cold,” he said softly. He swalled a couple of times, then his gaze returned directly into my eyes. “You’re really not upset?”

“No, Niall,” I answered again. “I’m really not upset with you, now come on, let’s see how this dinner of yours turned out.”

As Niall had said, he wasn’t much of a cook, but the things he’d prepared were so simple that the most novice of cooks couldn’t possibly screw it up. The pasta wasn’t soggy, and combined with the sausage would make a good make-shift spaghetti dish. The potatoes too would be fine with a bit of butter and salt. As we served ourselves I could see Niall watching me out of the corner of my eye, and I smiled at him each time our eyes met. I could tell he was still a little nervous and unsettled, and I didn’t want to embarrass him, but whatever he was feeling when he’d kissed me, was really only on his side of it, and I wanted to let him know that. I laughed at myself, whatever he was feeling? It was obvious that he was feeling affectionate, at least. I needed to cut that off quickly. We sat down, and began to eat, and I waited to see if he would bring it up. When he didn’t, looking down at his plate for most of the meal and eating with deliberate care to be quiet as if to be sure not to attract my attention, I decided I would have to be the one to do so.

“Niall?” I asked, and his head snapped up, his blue eyes wide. “Can we please talk?”

“I’m sorry,” he said quickly. “I know I said it already, but I didn’t mean, I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable. I just, well, I was thinking all day, and I thought, well.”

“You thought what Niall?” I asked, “Please, tell me.”

“I guess, you know,” he said again, looking down, clearly uncomfortable. “You’ve been so nice to me, and you’re fit, and you listen to me. You really listen when I talk, and you care about what I say. You’re special, and well, I like you, I like you a lot. You’re the kind of person I’ve always been looking for, the kind of person anyone would dream of finding really. I guess, I, well, I thought you were the guy for me.”

“Niall, you barely know me,” I said, shaking my head.

“I’ve thought about it all day today!” he said quickly. He looked up at me now, earnest yet tense. “I feel like, I feel like this connection with you, you can’t pretend you don’t feel it too!”

“Niall, I” I began, shaking my head. I was confused, that was for sure, and I didn’t want to say the wrong thing and hurt him, or make things worse. I needed to let him down carefully, because he was such a sweetheart, and so genuinely nice. “I do feel it Niall, but it’s just friendship.”

“Is that all it is?” he asked plainly. “How can you be sure? You haven’t had any time to think about it.”

“Neither have you,” I said, frowning. “You just broke up with your boyfriend, who’s been your best friend for years, four days ago, and you’re ready to see someone else? You already think you’re in love again? Are you familiar with the term ‘rebound’ Niall?”

“Maybe I’m capable of moving on,” he said sharply. As soon as he said it this look crossed his face, like he wanted to clap a hand over his mouth, and his eyes went wide with shock. “Sean, I!”

“Excuse me,” I said icily, setting down my silverware down. I stood stiffly, fighting a stabbing pain in my chest. I turned and walked away from the table as Niall stood, calling after me.

“Sean, wait!” he said, and I heard the scrap of his chair sliding off the carpet. That meant he was getting up too quickly, not being careful with my furniture as he should be. It was just as well, since he wasn’t very careful with me, either. “Sean, I didn’t mean that the way it came out.”

“You’re just full of slip ups tonight,” I said, not slowing down. I walked into my bedroom and closed the many paned door behind me, turning the lock. Glancing back, I saw Niall on the other side, his face twisted in confusion, his eyes pained, and I pulled the curtain, ignoring the sound of him tapping on the glass softly.

“Sean, please,” he said again. His voice cracking. “Please, I didn’t mean it. I didn’t. It just came out, please, please don’t be mad at me.”

I’d forgotten what it felt like to hurt this way, to have someone callously say something that cut straight through me to the core of my sorrow. I was surrounded by people that knew, people who were aware of my boundaries and my limits, and I’d forgotten what it was like to have people around who didn’t know that they shouldn’t ever say. Then again, I’d forgotten a lot of things. Maybe I’d forgotten what it was like follow my heart blindly, to fall into and out of love as the days went as if it were nothing. Maybe I’d forgotten what it was like to make stupid mistakes, to say things in anger and have to take them back later, always assuming that there would be a later to come back to. Most of all, though, I’d forgotten what it meant to let people in, to care about people. I’d forgotten that if you let yourself care about someone, you also le that person have the power to hurt you, not only through the things they said and did, but also by the things that could happen to them. I’d forgotten that if you care about people, they could hurt you by leaving you, or being taken away.

I lay on my side of the bed, feeling that sharp pain stab into me, feeling my scars rip back open, feeling that old familiar throb. I tried to ignore it, tried to make it go away, as I lay there and tried to clear my mind, not to think of anything at all. I also tried to ignore the fact that I felt a little worse with each sniffle and each chocked sob I heard outside the bedroom. Causing pain to people you cared about was, after all, a two way street, and sometimes that pain went in both directions. I closed my eyes, wishing this would feeling would just go away.

When I opened my eyes next, I realized that I must have fallen asleep for a bit, because it was completely dark in the loft. We hadn’t turned any lights on before dinner, since there was still plenty of daylight coming in, but I couldn’t figure out why Niall wouldn’t have turned on any since then. What was he doing? I sat up, stretching, and listened, but couldn’t hear anything outside my curtained windows. No television, no computer sounds, not even a radio. Had Niall gone? Had he felt so terrible that he’d packed up and gone from the loft? Where would he go? I slid quietly out of bed, walking toward the door. I didn’t even have his mobile number. I wouldn’t be able to check on him or anything. I’d have to wait to see if he called me. I jerked the door open, and I jumped back in surprise as Niall rolled toward me, blinking awake and making a startled bleating sort of sound.

“Niall?” I asked, flicking on one of the lamps. He must have been sitting with his back agains the door. “Are you alright?”

“Sean, I’m sorry,” Niall said quickly, jumping to his feet. He stood before me, lips trembling, as if he wanted to cry. “I didn’t mean to say that, I didn’t, you have to believe me.”

“I believe you,” I said, hugging him. I pulled him over to the bed. “Come and sit, and calm down, alright.”

“Ok,” he said, sitting down beside me on the mattress. He wiped at his eyes again, and I kept an arm around his shoulders, holding him tightly against me, so that he’d know he wasn’t alone.

“It hurt, Niall, what you said before.” I said. I brushed my hand over his forehead, soothing him. “Some of it was just because of what it was, but it was a bit of a shock to hear that. I know you didn’t mean it though, alright? I just, I needed to think, that’s all. I was upset, and I needed to calm down.”

“Are you sure?” he asked, swallowing. I could see that he was hurt, and probably disappointed, but at the same time he was probably happy that I still wanted to be his friend.

“Yeah,” I answered, shrugging. I gave him a smile, not sure what else to do, and he smiled back.

“Alright,” He said, hugging me again. “As long as we’re still friends.”

“Still friends,” I said, standing. “Niall, did you sit at my door this whole time?”

“Yeah, he answered, standing as well. “I wanted to talk to you as soon as you came out of your room. I didn’t want this, you know, hang between us.”

“Oh,” I said surprised. “Well, look, why don’t I clean up the table, and you see if there’s anything on the tele.”

“Ok,” he said, waiting for me to walk out of the bedroom first. How polite, as I walked over to the table, flicking on the wall switch for the hanging lights above it, heard him looking around for the control. “He Sean, if you ever, you know, change your mind, I’ve never dated an Irishman.”

“Don’t push it,” I said, shaking my head. My amusement evident in my tone, but I also meant what I was saying. Besides, he’d hardly dated anyone.

“Ok,” he said, chuckling.

We spend the rest of the night in a kind of companionable silence. I let Niall pick the channels, but he didn’t really follow a lot of dramas that were on. He explained that because of their schedule he didn’t get to watch much television, so he wasn’t always able to follow what was going on with the characters or what went on between them, and me trying to explain as the shows went on was more trouble than it was worth. We had much better luck with old cartoon re-runs, which he seemed to love, as those didn’t really need any continuity between episodes. I sat in one of the large armchairs, reading a book following the episodes at the same time, and Niall stretched out on the sofa, watching intently, laughing at the funny bits, at time I’d catch him raising his hand to his mouth without being aware of it, as if trying to hide. Eventually our yawns got the better of us, and I told him I was turning in.

“Me too,” he said, shutting off the television.

“You want help unfolding the sofa?” I asked, sliding the coffee table out of the way.

“Nah, I’ve got it,” he answered. “Good night.”

“Good night, Niall,” I said, trudging off to the bathroom to brush my teeth, when I came out he was waiting patiently on the back of the sofa in his sleepwear, a different set of pajama bottoms and a beater identical to the first, and he smiled at me. I gave him a little wave as I went to bed, closing my door, ignoring the sounds of him tossing and turning on the sofa bed, trying to get comfortable.

In the morning I woke up before my alarm, again, and went directly to the bathroom for a shower. Coming out, I saw Niall sitting on the edge of the sofa bed, rubbing his eyes, and wondered what he was doing awake.

“Niall?” I asked, making sure my robe was closed. No free shows before breakfast.

“You forgot to shut your alarm off,” he muttered, rubbing at his face as if he wanted to rearrange it.

“I’m sorry,” I said, smacking my forehead comically. He laughed at the gesture, and I smiled. “Go back to sleep, Niall.”

“Maybe,” he said. While getting dressed I heard the shower turn on, and was a bit surprised. I had no idea how long he had slept yesterday, since I was downstairs, but I’d gotten the distinct impression that he was more or less comatose when I left. He didn’t strike me as a morning person. On my way out I tapped at the bathroom door.

“I’m going downstairs Niall,” I called, unsure of whether he could hear me over the water. “I have to open up, I’ll see you later, alright?”

Kim and I were in the midst of morning chores, as we referred to them, when Niall walked out of the storeroom, all scrubbed and freshly pressed. He was wearing khakis and a Jack Wills top, casual but not wrinkled, and he smiled at us, standing by the counter.

“Hi, Kim,” he said shyly, smiling at her.

“Good morning, Niall,” she said, setting some tea out. He glanced at the cup and smiled. “Tea?”

“Please,” he said, nodding gratefully. I was right, he wasn’t a morning person at all.

“What brings you downstairs?” I asked, wheeling the trolley back into the storeroom, the newspapers having been set out. “Did you want to do something today?”

“I don’t think so,” Niall answered, taking a cup from Kim. She pushed a small pitcher of milk over, and Niall poured liberally, adding several packs of sugar as well. “once I wake up, I’m up, so I thought I’d come down, and hang out here.”

“Hang out?” I asked, chuckling. “Niall, it’s a book store, there isn’t much going on.”

“It can’t be that bad,” he said, and Kim snickered. I glanced at her and saw that she had her thoughtful look, her “I’ve got a really good idea that’s going to amuse the hell out of me, but only me,” look. “I mean, you seem to enjoy it.”

“I enjoy it because it’s my shop,” I said, distracted, trying to figure out what Kim was thinking. She was one step ahead of me though.

“I have an idea,” she said, and Niall turned attentively toward her. “Don’t just hang out Niall, why don’t you work here today?”

“Really?” he asked. He looked thoughtful, swirling tea around in his mouth. “I’ve never had a regular job before or anything. I guess, though, you know, it would give me something to do besides sitting about. I mean, I guess, as long as you don’t mind, Sean?”

The two of them were smiling at me, Niall casually and Kim with this mirthful cat that ate the canary look.

“Why would he mind, Sean?” Kim asked, shrugging. “I mean, Sean, you’ve been saying for weeks that we need extra help. Why not let Niall pitch in a bit, if he wants to?”

“I suppose that makes sense,” I said carefully, trying not to feel manipulated. Niall smiled at Kim, both of them beaming those big stupid grins, and I wondered how long it would be before I could get her alone.

“Why don’t you walk about the shop, you know, learn where everything is, and I”ll go get you a nametag, alright?” Kim said. Niall nodded, carrying his cup into the stacks with him, and I turned to find her smirking at me as she rummaged around behind the counter. She finally produced a Dream Muse nametag, and began to write “Niall” on it in black marker. “What?”

“What the hell are hell are you doing?” I whispered, not wanting Niall to hear.

“Making him a nametag?” she asked, shrugging innocently.

“You know what I mean!” I hissed.

“Alright, alright,” she said holding up her hands. “Look Sean, you said we needed extra help. Would you rather he sat around all day taking up counter space and doing nothing? Besides, he’ll probably get tired of it by lunchtime, and I think it’s sort of cute.”

“You think putting Niall to work in a book shop is ‘kind of cute’?” I asked, shaking my head.

“No, I think the way he looks at you with those big puppy dog eyes is kind of cute,” she answered, giggling. Seeing her giggle in one of her queen of the darkness outfits seemed as out of place as blue eye shadow on Sean Connery. “Niall, I have your nametag!”

“He came bouncing over, fueled by sugar caffeine, before I could say anything else, and scooped up his nametag out of her hand. He pinned it on carefully on his shirt, and then frowned.

“Do you think we should use my name?” he asked. “What if someone recognizes me?”

“Even if they do, no one would believe it,” Kim said shrugging.

“I hardly can,” I said smoothly, throwing her another look. Niall seemed completely oblivious, and went upstairs to figure out where things went there. I turned back to Kim, wanting to disabuse of her of the notion that Niall had a crush on me, even if it was true, but she was already straightening out her napkins and setting the cups out.

“Shouldn’t you be unlocking the doors by now?” she asked, still smirking. “We’ll have people banging on them for coffee any second.”

I grudgingly got up to open the doors, and decided that maybe I would just wait and see. Kim was probably right, after all. Niall probably would get tired of this, because, as I’d said, it’s not like the places was a hotbed of excitement. As the day wore on though, it became obvious that Niall was enjoying himself. We couldn’t let him on the till, since he wasn’t trained at using it, so he busied himself all day with helping patrons find things, and he was actually quite good at it. I hadn’t realized before that Niall was naturally a people person, but he seemed to charm everyone he came in contact with, and the guests loved it. Most of our crowd during the day were older people and tourists, and the old people loved to see a nice, clean young man who was so polite. By lunchtime even Kim had to admit that he was actually good, and that her little joke on me hadn’t quite worked as intended.

She wasn’t the only one who’d underestimated him. In the back of my mind, I had also thought that by the time noon rolled around he would be back upstairs, watching television or playing games on my computer, but he seemed eager to please. Each time he’d helped someone and I told him he’d done well, he beamed. Kim was right, Niall had a crush on me, despite what I’d said to him last night and he was working damned hard in the shop in his effort to impress. He’d also surprised Quinn, who seemed stunned to see him even if they all knew he was staying upstairs. She eyed him pretty skeptically, but Kim’s approval carried a good deal of weight, and Quinn didn’t say a word. By lunchtime, she had given up throwing herself at him, as he seemed completely unaware of her flirting, taking it just for friendly interest. The four of us were around the counter, Kim and Quinn serving soup and sandwiches while I watched the till, when Niall’s phone rang. He jumped, pulling it out, and set it down on the counter, wringing his hands.

“Hell!” he hissed, stepping back as it chirped away. The three of us stared at him, our eyes ticking back and forth between him and his phone.

“Niall, answer your phone,” Quinn said.

“I forgot to shut the ringer off when I left my mum a message this morning.” Niall said, stepping away from it again, as if the phone could hurt him. “I can’t answer it, I don’t want to talk to any of them.”

“No,” Niall said, shaking his head. “No, please, I can’t to any of them.”

“What’s the matter?” Kim asked.

“It’s complicated,” Niall said, turning away. The phone kept ringing as Sean hung it up on the voicemail, then called back.

“Niall’s hiding from his band right now,” I said, still holding the phone. The guests were starting to glance over at us. Niall gave me an urgent look. “He’s on holiday from them, and he doesn’t want them to find him.”

“We can’t just let it ring,” Kim said. “it’s annoying the guests, give it to me.”

Before I could say anything Kim pulled the phone out of my hand and flipped it open. Niall stared at her, open mouthed, and Quinn and I waited to see what she would do.

“Hello,” Kim said smoothly, grinning at us. “You’ve reached the church of universal peace and hope, how may I help thee? Niall who? Oh, you mean brother Niall. No, this is not his phone, it’s our phone. Brother Niall has joined us in the belief that possessions weigh down the spirit, and has divested himself of his telephone. I believe he is in the atrium at this moment, meditating on the foolishness of money. I will be sure to inform him you called.”

Kim hung up and switched the phone off, handing it back to Niall as Quinn and I giggled. Niall stared at her in surprise and then threw his arms around her.

“Thank you!” he squealed. “Thank you so much!”

“No hugging!” Kim said brusquely. I noticed she wasn’t doing much to pry his arms off her though, and snickered as we went back to work.

Kim left right after the lunch hour, switching out for Charlie, who accepted Niall’s presence with the same blinking smile she accepted everything with. Charlie was the one of us least often thrown and least surprised. I figured that she and Quinn had the shop well in hand, so Niall and I bid them goodnight, and climbed the stairs to make our own late dinner. He was still smiling and laughing, having had a great day doing nothing, and I was glad he was happy.

“Thanks for letting me work at the shop,” he said, grinning. He still had his little nametag on, and I reached up and unpinned it. “Thanks.”

I realized that he and I were face to face, very close, as I unpinned it, and I stepped back, flushing suddenly. Niall did as well, both of us turning away, and I went to the phone table to check my messages as he hurried away to the kitchen.

“I don’t know,” I answered, deciding that turning on the stereo might be a really good idea. We had been fine, just getting along, and then suddenly tension was just crackling between us. We’d stood face to face, and that was it. Now all I was thinking about were Niall’s eyes, and his breath on my face as I unhooked his pin. Gods only knew what he was thinking of, but it had to be something similar. He was attacking the fridge. “Maybe sandwiches, something simple?”

“Yeah, simple,” Niall answered, almost as if talking to himself. “Simple’s good, Simple. There’s vegetables here, and some spinach. Do you fancy a salad?”

“That’s a great idea,” I answered, opening the windows a little to let in some air. How could the loft feel so stuffy suddenly?

I went into the cabinet and got the plates and Niall started pulling things out of the fridge and handing them to me. The two of us seemed very domestic suddenly, deciding what was going on for dinner, sharing a table. I decided to ignore it as Niall started setting things on the counter next to him for the salad. Spinach, tomatoes, and a cucumber stacked up next to him while I pulled some bread out of the bag and started making sandwiches for us both.

“What do you want on these?” I asked, reaching for the mustard.

“Doesn’t matter,” he answered pulling a knife out of the rack to slice the vegetables with.

“Be careful with that,” I said absently, layering the bread with turkey. I was pleased to note that I had cheese as well. Niall was fortunate in that I’d gone shopping just before he came to visit, so I was pretty well stocked.

“I’m not a little kid,” Niall said petulantly, chopping away. He was smiling though, “Do we have to listen to this? Maybe something a bit less jumpy? I want to eat, not dance.”

“Fine,” I said, smiling, rolling my eyes at the ceiling. I walked away to the computer, looking through my itunes library to see what else I had. I settled on opera, figuring I would punish him with it for daring to insult my musical tastes, and as ‘La Traviata’ started to play I head him make a small sound. “Niall?”

He didn’t answer, and I turned to see him hunched over on the counter.

“Niall?” I said again, sharply. Something about the way he was standing gave me a shiver. He turned a bit, and his face was shit white.

“Sean?” he wheezed quietly. The knife he’d been cutting the cucumber with clattered to the floor, the blade smeared dark red.

“Niall!” I yelped, rushing toward him. He turned all the way, holding his hand to his stomach, and I saw red flowers blooming on his shirt, dark scarlet. He took a step toward me, and dropped to his knees.


	9. Cooking dinner ends bloody

Sweat broke out on Niall’s forehead, making him look waxy and pale under the kitchen lights. I grabbed his shoulder, dropping down as well, and his eyes rolled up in his head as he started to pass out. Unsure of what else to do, I slapped him across the face.

“Niall! Stay with me!” I snapped, pulling at his hand. He was about to pass out, but his eyes fluttered when I slapped him, and I debated doing it again. “Niall! show me!”

He hadn’t stabbed himself in the stomach, which is what I’d thought over by the computer, but his hand was laid open right across the palm. The knife must have slipped off the cucumber while he was slicing. I wasn’t sure how deep the cut was, but Niall was about to pass out, and I thought he might be in shock. My own heart hammering in my chest, and I could barely catch my breath as I tried to figure out what to do. Niall made a small whimpering noise as we looked at the cut, and I grabbed a dishtowel, wrapping it tightly around his hand. There was a lot of blood, and I knew we couldn’t take care of it ourselves.

“Niall, hold that there, tight,” I said, pulling him to his feet as I fastened his free hand over the towel. I squeezed his fingers tight around it, and he seemed to get it. I began to pull him to the phone table, and he shuffled along, making a little whimpering noise. He seemed to be on the verge of blacking out on me. “Niall! Come on, we’ve got to call someone!”

“No,” he said, shaking his head. His voice was weak, and I saw that the towel was starting to turn red around the edges of his hand. “no paramedics, they’ll call.”

“Then I’m driving you,” I said, grabbing my keys. Somehow I got him down the stairs, all three flights, and as I burst into the storeroom with him I realized I probably shouldn’t drag him, bleeding, through the shop. “Charlie!”

“Sean?” she asked, hurrying over. When she saw Niall, leaning on the wall covered in blood while I propped him up, she blanched. “Oh gods!”

“Niall’s cut himself,” I explained quickly, letting her take him. Charlie hugged him tightly around the shoulder, smoothing a hand over his forehead. “I have to get my car, stay with him, alright?”

Niall’s eyes fluttered open as I stepped away, bright and panicked.

“Sean,” he panted. I could see that he was terrified. “Don’t, please, don’t go.”

“I’ll be back straight away Niall, I swear,” I said, hugging him quickly.

He was shaking, and his skin felt cold. His t-shirt was drenched with sweat. It hurt me to walk away when he needed me, but I had to get him to the hospital. I left him with Charlie and ran across the street to get to the car. Pulling in at the loading dock, I opened his door and hurried toward the building as Charlie walked him out, whispering to him that he’d be ok. Niall was still holding the towel tightly to his hand, but I was really scared for him. We got him into the car and buckled him in, and Charlie followed me around to the driver’s door.

“Call us!” she yelled. I nodded, not answering, as I peeled out of the parking lot.

I knew where the nearest hospital was through bitter experience, even if I hadn’t been there since the night Justin died. I tried to block it out, tried not to think about it, but walking into the hospital it rolled over me again like I was back there. I fought against it, focusing on Niall, knowing that he needed me as we raced into the emergency room and the nurse checked him in, but once they took him back and I was there along, it began to close in on me. It was all so vivid, and so familiar. The lights, the sounds, having someone I cared about in the back not knowing what was going on with them. I put my head down and tried to shut it out, but it was too much. I was here with Niall, now, but I was back there too.

The day it happened was like any other day. I was misled by years of television to believe that omens marked such things, or that everyone would just kind of feel something. I always thought that there would be some kind of warning, but I also always thought that it wouldn’t happen for years, and that if something did happen, that we would go together. It would be too cruel for one of us to go before the other, for one of us to leave the other alone. Besides even if something did happen to one of us, it wouldn’t happen until we were old, until we’d lived our whole lives, and had no regrets. We wouldn’t have to let go of each other until we were ready to go, and we were young. We would live forever.

Justin was going to the shop a block over. It was right before dinner, and I was working the till, while Kim worked the counter. Justin and I were going to go upstairs and have dinner later, after Piers came in to help Kim close, and Justin wanted ice cream for dessert. We were out, and he was just going to run down the street to get a container.

“I’ll be right back, ok?” he said, smiling, as I rang up someone. The sunlight was streaming through the door behind him, lighting him up like an angel. Should I have seen something then?

“Alright, babe” I said, nodding.

“I love you,” he said, stepping out the door.

“I love you, too,” I said absently, putting the customer’s books in a bag. Later when I looked back, at least I would have that. At least we’d gotten to say goodbye to each other, even if we didn’t know it was going to be permanent. I would get to have that last memory of him, framed by the sun. It wasn’t enough, wasn’t nearly enough, but it was something.

We got hit by a rush of customers after that, and I didn’t really notice that Justin was taking a really long time just to go get ice cream. I looked up then door jingled, and Piers came breezing in for his shift, and I realized we could hear sirens down the street. Piers saw me looking out the front window and glanced back over his shoulder.

“There’s an accident or something down at the corner,” Piers said. The store was mostly empty. “You want to go look?”

“I think Justin’s down there,” I said, glancing at the clock, not realizing. “Kim, will you be alright if I run down there for a second?”

“Go on,” she said, waving a hand. “He’s probably standing there letting your ice cream melt, anyway. You might as well go collect him.”

“Be right back,” I said, smiling.

“Come on,” Piers said, tugging at my arm.

When we got to the corner, there were a lot of people standing around, and someone was being loaded into the ambulance. There was a car partially blocking the street, the windshield shattered, but it appeared to be empty. I recognized the woman who works at the crafts store on the corner and walked over. We all know each other, all the store owners and workers on the street, the same way people who work at the mall know each other.

“Hannah, what’s going on?” I asked, and when she turned toward me I knew. I felt all the blood draining out of me before she said anything, because the look on her face said it all.

“Oh, Sean, oh my gods,” she said, her face white.

“Sean Cullen?” a nurse called, and I looked up, startled. “Your friend is with the doctor now. They’re stitching his hand, but it isn’t bad.”

“Can I see him?” I asked. She shook her head.

“I’m sorry, it’s family only,” she answered. “He’ll be out soon.”

It was family only last time, too. I remembered sitting in this same waiting area, part of this same emergency room, calling Justin’s parents on my mobile, not wanting to call Courtney directly. They got in the car and started driving immediately, even though they were over an hour away, and they called Courtney to come meet me at the hospital. I was in tears, and Kim had tried to explain several time to the staff that I was Justin’s lover, but their policy is very firm. Family only, Kim had closed the shop, and Piers was calling Charlie and Quinn from outside, since you weren’t supposed to use a mobile inside the hospital. They wouldn’t even give me an update on Justin’s condition, so I had nothing to tell Courtney when she came bursting through the doors.

“Sean?” she practically screamed, looking around for me. Her eyes red, her face streaked with tears. “Where’s Justin, what’s happening?”

“I don’t know,” I said, shaking my head, the air rushing out of me as she collided with my chest. I held her tightly, feeling my own eyes watering again. “They won’t tell me anything.”

“What happened?” she asked, as Kim went to go get a doctor or a nurse, to tell them that a family member was here.

“Justin went to the store,” I whispered. I would tell this story over and over as the next few days went by. “He went to get ice cream, and on his way back, this bloke, this man, this drunk man, blew through the light, and he struck Justin, he killed Justin.”

I was crying by the end, and Courtney was clinging to me, sobbing as well, but we were interrupted by a doctor.

“Sean?” Niall asked, startling me again. I didn’t realize my eyes were leaking until he scooped a fingertip across my cheek, swiping the tears away. Niall’s voice was gentle, and he sat down beside me, still brushing the side of my face, feather light. “Hey, what’s the matter?”

I shook my head, I couldn’t tell Niall what was wrong, because I couldn’t speak at all. My tongue was frozen, as it had been then, when we were all upstairs, outside the operating room in the waiting area. The emergency room staff had taken Justin up to surgery what seemed like hours before. Courtney was sitting with her parents, who had arrived, the three of them sharing a couch. I sat across from them, Charlie and Kim sitting on one side of me, and Piers holding Quinn’s hand on the other. We were all waiting for someone to come and tell us that Justin would be alright. After all, if they kept working on him, there must still be hope, right? The doctor in the emergency room had told Courtney and I that it was serious, but it couldn’t be too serious, it just couldn’t. I was sure that Justin would be alright, but he wasn’t.

When the doctor came out, I knew. I knew from his face, and I think Kim did, too, because she was shaking her head before he even started to speak. I barely heard a word. Even now, even if I tried to remember them, I couldn’t summon them, not exactly. I know he said he was sorry, and I know he said they worked very hard, but there was nothing they could do in the end. There was too much damage. He said that Justin had fought, that he had struggled, and I think he meant it to be comforting, but it wasn’t. If Justin had to die, I wanted to think of it being quick. I didn’t want to know that Justin had been in pain, that he had been aware and fighting. I knew he was fighting to stay with me, that he was fighting for us, but I wanted him to be at peace.

Most of all though, I remember suddenly feeling empty. I know that Courtney and her mother cried, holding onto each other. I remember that Justin’s father got up and hugged me tightly. He cried a little, something I’d never seen him do, and I remember even being surprised, in a dull, numb kind of way, that Kim was crying softly as well, black mascara running down her cheeks. Everyone was talking, and I couldn’t say anything. I couldn’t find any words. Justin was gone. What else was there to say? Nothing that came out of my mouth would change that one huge, immutable fact. Words wouldn’t come because they couldn’t take that away, and I just swallowed as the tears ran down my cheeks.

I couldn’t tell Niall now, either. It hurt too much. He looked at me in confusion.

“Sean, I’m alright,” he said, holding up his hand. There was white medical tape wrapped around it. “I’m find now, please, please don’t cry. Please tell me. what’s the matter.”

I swallowed thickly, carefully removing his hand from the side of my face. I squeezed it tightly, and tried to meet his eyes.

“Can we please go?” I asked, my voice low. I felt hollow again, empty and alone. “If you’re done, can we please leave?”

“Yeah, of course,” Niall said, standing. He held out his hand, but I stood without it, trying to collect myself. On our way to the car Niall asked for Charlie’s number, so he could tell her he was ok, and I handed him my phone, but besides that, we didn’t speak until we got to the loft. Niall turned to me as I shut the door. “Sean, can I do something?”

“No, I’m fine,” I said quickly, hoping he would let it go, he wouldn’t buy my standard excuse twice though.

“No, you’re not.” He said simply. “Is it because you were worried about me? I’m alright Sean, the doctors gave me a couple of stitches, and I’ll be fine. It’s not your fault, alright?”

“I know,” I said quietly. “I, you scared me, Niall. When I saw you, and you were so pale, and there was so much blood.”

“I’m sorry,” he said, looking down at his hand.

“Don’t be sorry, Niall” I said, shaking my head. “It was an accident, and I’m glad you’re alright.”

“I’m a bit tired though,” Niall said. He still looked confused and concerned, but appeared willing to let it go. “Is it alright if I just go to bed.”

“Sure,” I answered trying to smile.

I turned and walked toward the bedroom. Behind me, Niall started to shut off the lights in the loft, both of us ignoring the mess that was dinner. We weren’t doing well at eating a meal in the loft. As I stood in my doorway, my back to him, I thought about being alone, and the way I felt right now. I didn’t want to feel this way by myself, and Niall deserved a better answer than, “I’m fine.” When I turned back, he had pulled his shirt off, the shadows in the loft catching the muscles of his chest, but that was pretty far from my mind.

“Niall?” I asked, my voice thick. It was so hard to talk about this, to feel this way, but I had to let it out. He turned, walking toward me. “Justin died in that hospital.”

“Oh, Sean,” Niall said, rushing toward me. He wrapped his arms around me, pressing me to his warm, bare chest. He held me against him, and started to pull me toward the bed to sit down.

“He died, Niall” I repeated, my eyes tearing up. We sat on the bed, and Niall held me with one arm while he rubbed my back with the other, trying to soothe me. “Out in the street, there was a, a drunk driver struck him. They took him to that hospital, we all went, but they couldn’t, there wasn’t anything they could do. They tried and tried, but they couldn’t help him, and he, he couldn’t fight anymore.”

My walls let go suddenly, my eyes tearing, and I just slumped against Niall. He held me tightly, smoothing my hair back.

“it’s alright,” Niall whispered. “Please don’t cry.”

“He left me alone,” I whispered, holding him tightly, feeling his heart thump under the warm silky skin of his chest.

“You’re not alone,” Niall whispered, but I was. I felt it inside. I was empty. I was alone. There was a space inside of me that nothing could fill, a yearning. My heart was reaching out for something I missed, something absent, a feeling that I missed. “Please don’t cry.”

Niall, so warm and near.

“Please, don’t cry,” he whispered again, leaning closer. He kissed my forehead.

I needed someone, and Niall was here.

“Please, Sean,” Niall whispered, his hands on the sides of my face. He healed in, and kissed me quickly on the mouth. “Please?”

I wasn’t sure what he was asking for anymore, but I had a pretty good idea, and right then I just didn’t want to feel so alone. Niall’s eyes stared into mine, warm and crackling.

“Please,” he whispered again, and I kissed him back.

Niall’s mouth was soft, but his lips were firm, and they pressed against mine as he let out a sigh, pressing himself against me. His eyes closed, and I shut mine, not wanting to think too much about what we were doing. Both of us making quiet noises, little grunts and sighs, mine low and Niall’s sharp, as we kissed each other hard, and Niall turned a little. My hands were on his shoulder, kneading the warm skin there, tugging at his firm muscles there, round and tight, and his hands were still holding my face as he dipped his tongue into my mouth. I danced my tongue against it, the tip of mind skating across his, and then he suddenly inhaled, sucking my tongue into his mouth. He tasted smoky, sort of like chocolate, but something else, too, and then he shifted again, and he was straddling me, the dense weight of his body pressing me down onto the bed. The only sound in the loft was our panting breaths and the sloppy went sound of us kissing.

My hands were sliding all over Niall’s bare chest, caressing and pulling at him. I hadn’t realized until he had his shirt off how cut everything was, how defined. His pecs swelled against my open palms each time he took a breath, and his abs, not deeply chiseled like a body builder’s, soft and smooth but still impressive, flexed and disappeared as he lay on top of me, twisting and whimpering. His skin was smooth and soft, the skin of a peach or an apricot, and he was warm. Our mouths tried to consume each other, lips pressing bruisingly against each other, tongues dueling, and my hands slid over his chest again, feeling the thinnest scattering of hair. My fingers found his nipples, both of them at once, hard and ready, pressing against my hands, and I pulled at both of them, rolling them away from the curves of his pecs. Niall groaned, a high squeal of urgency, and pressed harder against me. Lower, where his legs stretched over mine, I felt his crotch grinding into mine. There was too much fabric between us to really feel things, but there was plenty of pressure.

Niall’s hands were crawling up and down my arms, he lifted himself a bit, shifting again. Both of us were still pushing hard against each other, undulating, and his legs slid off mine as my knees rose on either side of him. Niall was now laying on top of me with my legs cradling him, and our groins still grinding against each other, and my hands on his back, running down it. I felt his shoulders moving, the muscles dancing under my hands, the bones sliding like wings, as he moved his arms to my shirt, going by feel, not breaking the connection of our mouths, and he began to fight with my buttons, clawing my shirt open. He finally got the buttons undone, jerking the bottom of my trousers so that he could open the sides, but I wouldn’t let go of him long enough to get my arms out of the sleeves. Both of us groaned and signed with renewed urgency as we felt bare chests slide against each other, the scrape of warm skin against skin, the pointed nubs of our nipples brushing against each other. My hands slid down Niall’s back to his ass, clutching it, and his hips jerked forward, pressing mine into the mattress.

“Sean, please,” Niall panted again. His high pitched signs making my name sound so damn sexy.

I squeezed his ass again, crushing his cheeks in my hands, but it was rock hard, trained by years of dancing and gods know what else. I used it to pull him tighter against me, and his back arched, his head finally slipping away from me, I looked up and he was panting above me, his face strained. He was staring down at me his mouth open a little, and his tongue darted out to wet his lips, before his head dropped down, his mouth sucking wetly at my neck. I groaned, my hands sliding up his back again, and tried to push him away, but that just seemed to urge him onward, and he bit and nipped at me even harder. I knew that I would have marks in the morning, little red nicks from his teeth, but neither of us seemed to care. Niall washed over the spots where be hit with his tongue, soothing them, drawing his breath in over the wet parts, sending shivers down my body, and he slid lower, across my chest. Still sighing and letting out those little high pitched whimpers, Niall licked ta my chest, his tongue outstretched like a cats and my hands continued to crawl, spiderlike over his shoulders and arms, and I clutched at his head, pressing it against me, wanting his mouth everywhere.

Niall turned his head, catching one of my hands in his, and brought his mouth to my wrist. I’d never felt anyone do that before, but he sucked at it, nibbling like he had along my neck, and brought his mouth over the heel of my hand, kissing, sucking, and licking. My fingers danced along his lips, and he sucked one, and then two, inside, gently chewing them as I pushed them against his tongue, probing his mouth, feeling it vibrate around my invading fingers as he continued to mew and whimper. His eyes were closed again, and I felt him shift on top of me again. I realized that he was undoing his trousers and he pulled my arm down from mouth and jammed my hand down the front of his khakis. He was wearing boxer briefs that somehow made him seem young, although what I was feeling under them, cupping my hand against his hardness, definitely betrayed any notion of innocence. Niall’s hips jerked forward, and he thrust against my hand as he smashed his mouth down onto mine again.

The front of his briefs were wet and sticky, and I thought I could almost smell the alkaline, salty scent, but I wasn’t sure, and there was also the natural, musky yet somehow fresh scent of Niall, too. He was hot, and so was I, and he continued to thrust against my hand as I cupped and caressed his hardness. His lips fought against mine, seeking something, and then I slid my fingers under his waistband. I pushed my fingers through his curled, soft hair, and he groaned loudly as my fingers finally came into contact with his hot member, that I thought the neighbours would hear him. I had both hands down the front of his pants now, pushing them past the curves of his ass, and I glanced down to see the goods as I stroked him with one hand and rolled his jewels in the other. Niall’s member like the rest of him was soft and warm and plenty firm once you got your hands on it. He was leaking heavily, and I could tell he was close to cumming. I smoothed my thumb over the dark pink, almost red, head and he shuddered, groaning again, a loud bellow with a sharp whine at the end.

“Sean” he panted again, thrusting into my hand. He kissed me again and again, bruising my lips with his, smashing them together. “Please, Sean, please!”

I stroked him with both hands, jerking him off, letting his member slide between my palms. His whole body was shaking now as his hips jerked and rocked, faster and faster, bringing him closer and closer as he fucked my tight grip on him. His hard cock slid easily through my hands, lubing it’s way forward, and his whimpers took on a note of urgency and strain that hadn’t been there before. His mouth slid off mine, and he buried his face in the cleft between my head and shoulder, muffling himself in the crook of my neck. He was like steel in my hands, his body tout and tight as it slid against mine, I turned my head, catching his earlobe in my teeth. I nibbled and sucked at it, as his whole body locked above me.

“Sean!” he yelped, tossing his head back, his eyes squeezed closed.

I almost thought he was having a seizure. He sucked in air between clenched teeth, the chords on his neck standing out. His arms were rigid on either side of me, and his bulbous head burst from between my hands. Thick ropes and splatters of cum hit my abs and chest as he grunted and convulsed, and when I gave his low hanging balls a light squeeze he yelped, and shot out another glistening stream. My fingers were wet and sticky, and sweat glistened on his forehead and his temples. Still holding himself above me, his arms hard like stone, he grabbed one of my hands and fastened his mouth, I groaned as he licked it clean. When he was finished he dropped it at my side and kissed me again, his tongue sliding over mine, his mouth faintly salty, and then he dropped to my chest. His tongue slide over one of my nipples again, following one of his splatters, and he began to clean me with his tongue, as I gasped beneath him.

I wanted to tell him to stop, that we’d already gone too far and shouldn’t do this, but the most I got out was his name, as I gasped as he licked and sucked at my chest and abs. Dropping down, he circled my naval with his tongue, still licking, even though he’d sucked up the mess already. He pushed the tip of his tongue into my naval, pressing, almost seeming to fuck me with it, and my hands were running over his hair. I tried to push his head away as his hands fought with my trousers, undoing them, jerking them and my boxers down together. My brain said I was trying to push him off, but my hands were just pushing him lower, and I gasped as he pushed my legs apart and I felt his tongue on my balls. He lapped at them for a second before he licked his way up my shaft, which bounced and throbbed against him. Reaching the head, he licked all around and over it without taking it into his mouth, and I finally looked down to see him staring up at me, those eyes so wide and blue and somehow smoky.

“Sean,” he whispered softly, as if to make sure I was paying attention. Once he saw that I was looking, he leaned forward, and folded his lips around my head, sucking on it lightly as his tongue washed over it.

“Oh gods!” I groaned, my hips jerking off the bed as my hands clamped down on him, pushing him down on me as I surged forward into his mouth.

If he hadn’t been ready, I might have gagged him, but somehow, apparently Liam, had trained Niall rather well. I stared down at him, unable to speak at all, gasping for breath, as he bobbed up and down on me, his lips tight around my shaft, which slid between them, glistening with his saliva. He held my legs apart with his hands, keeping them from clamping around his head. I wasn’t trying to crush him, really, but it had been so long since I was with anyone that my body was jerking wildly, clenching and unclenching like one muscle each time he swallowed me again. His mouth was a hot, wet pocket, and his tongue caressed me each time I slid over it, and I knew I wouldn’t last long. He was too good at it, and I was too worked up already. My fingers dug into his shoulders, trying to pull him off again, but Niall had other ideas, and ignored them. I heard him take a deep breath through his nose, and then pressed all the way forward, swallowing me, and I felt the end of my member slide into his throat.

“Niall,” I panted, my voice high and tight, wanting to warn him.

He probably didn’t need the warning, as it would have been obvious to even the most casual observer that I was about to blow. Sweat glistened on both of us, and my whole body was tight, the only thing moving my jerking hips and gasping lungs. One of Niall’s hands wrapped carefully around my balls, squeezing them, but not painfully, and I felt the other slide up my thighs, between my legs.

“No, Niall,” I groaned, losing it.

His only response was a moan around my shaft as he pulled back and then slid forward to swallow me again. His finger, firmly insistent, pushed at my entrance, fluttering over it, and then he jammed it inside, stabbing it toward my prostate as I clenched around him. My hips jerked up, trying to escape, jamming my pubes against his face, and I felt myself jerk, realizing that I was cumming in Niall’s mouth. The thought, like a catalyst, set off another spasm in me, and then another. Niall swallowed hard, sucking it out of me, moaning himself ignoring my fingers digging roughly into his shoulders. When it was finally done he let my member slide out of his mouth, and he began kissing it sloft as it lay across my hip, slowly deflating. He finished pulling my trousers and boxers off, and tugged off my socks, before sliding back up my body slowly, stopping to kiss along the way as his smooth skin slid over mine, and then his face was above me. I lay beneath him, still trying to catch my breath, and realized as I felt him hard against me, that he’d finished chucking his trousers and briefs at some point as well.

“Thanks” he whispered, dropping down to kiss me again.

The lad was a hell of a kisser, and I could tell, too, that on a regular night, when he hadn’t had a trip to the emergency room to tire him out, that this would have probably been a warm up for him. He was after all at the height of his prime, and sexy as hell. My head was spinning, though, as I lay under him, letting him kiss me. What had we done? What had I been thinking? Actually, I knew, I wasn’t thinking at all, which is how we’d ended up like this, naked in bed, limbs entwined. Niall’s hands were at my sides, pulling me up.

“Let’s get rid of this,” he said simply, finishing pulling off my shirt.

He pressed me back down onto the mattress with one hand as he pulled the sheets with the other, and he snuggled tightly against me like an octopus, somehow seeming to latch on with all his limbs at once. He kissed my chest once before he laid his head against it, and I cradled him to me, feeling drowsy myself. I’d forgotten what it was like to have another warm body in the bed, to have all that skin against mine. Hell, on another night, this would have been a warm up for me, too, with someone else.

“I love you,” Niall whispered, his eyes closed.

I was instantly fully awake, staring at the ceiling, and it was hours before I feel asleep.

“I love you.”

Bloody hell…


	10. awkward morning after

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the following chapter contains sexual content, please don't read it if you find it inappropriate  
> or if it is forbidden in your part of the world.

I slept like a baby, but woke up entirely confused. I wanted to convince myself that last night hadn’t really happened, that I hadn’t had a horrible crying fit and flashed back to the night I lost Justin, only to come home and have sex with a bloke I’d just met a few days ago who was from a completely different world than I. As much as hoped that hadn’t happened though, there was a warm body next to me in bed, firm and soft, and while it wasn’t an unpleasant feeling, I was uncertain whether or not it was a welcome one. What the hell had I been thinking? How would I have allowed this to happen? This was completely not my style, and I had no business having sex with anyone, anyway. I was still hung up on my dead lover, not only that, but what about Niall?

I shifted a little, and Niall clung to me, murmuring in his sleep, hot breath drifting softly against my skin. Niall was a definite grabber, the kind of person who clung to you in bed like a barnacle. One arm wrapped around mine, gripping it tightly, and the other was stretched across my chest, clinging to my side as his head rested against me. His legs were entwined with mine, my thigh caught between both of his, and his torso was pressed against my side. As I’d said, it was not an unpleasant feeling. The problem was that it was quite the opposite sort of feeling, actually. His member, half hard as most will be in the morning, was pressed against my hip, and mine own was starting to stir. As I shifted again Niall whimpered in his sleep and clutched me tighter, rubbing himself against my hip. There being no further denials, no more insistences that this had all been a dream or some weird fantasy concocted by my subconscious mind, I opened my eyes and looked down at him.

I was up before my alarm, as usual, but morning light was filtering in through the side of the loft, and strips of it were falling across the bed, illuminated it’s way up Niall’s back, over his shoulder, and down the top of his head to fall on me and continue it’s path toward the wall. Some of it caught in his hair from behind, highlighting random stray strands. It made him look young and innocent, but any ideas of his innocence had been banished last night. In sleep, relaxed, his face was smooth, his lips pink, those blue eyes hidden beneath lids edged with dark amber lashes. He had a little bit of a five o’clock shadow going, and I felt it scrap my chest as he moved his head a little. Although the same height as me, he somehow managed to fold himself against me so that his head was lower , and I followed the round curve of his shoulder, lightly dusted with freckles down his arm, snaking across my chest. Which I hadn’t noticed last night, my eyes, having spent the first half wet and the rest of the awake part of the night squeezed shut in pleasure.

Niall was muttering to himself, his voice soft, but I couldn’t pick out any words. It was kind of cute, and so was he, and I realized that I needed to get out of bed right now before I did anything else stupid. As gently as I could, I removed Niall’s arms, half doubting that he was still asleep, since he kept putting them back as soon as I lifted them. Finally I lifted both arms at once, sliding toward the other side of the bed, and he murmured again, his face scrunching up a bit.

“No,” he mumbled, hands reaching out for nothing. I was now out of bed, and pressed a pillow over his hands. He grabbed it, squeezing, convulsively. “No, cold, Sean?”

Even though he was talking, he still wasn’t awake. I made a shushing sound, and pulled the sheets up over him. Walking quietly through the loft, I ducked into the bathroom and turned on the shower. I had about an hour to get ready and get downstairs if I wanted to meek Kim on time. Glancing in the mirror as I brushed my teeth, waiting for the shower to warm, I saw that there were small red marks along both sides of my neck, and flushed guiltily as I remembered Niall nipping at me amidst his kisses. Now that was classy. Those were definitely going to be a problem, although I was fortunate that in that the autumn weather was well suited for the kind of clothing that could cover up such things. I hadn’t had to pull the turtleneck trick in a while, but I needed to do something unless I wanted to give the staff even more fodder for sarcastic taunting.

Stepping into the shower, I took a last glance at myself in the mirror, and tried to figure out what I was feeling. I thought I’d look guiltier, more unfaithful, because that was kind of how I felt. Actually, that wasn’t quite accurate. I felt like I should feel unfaithful, like I should feel as if I had completely betrayed Justin and everything we had, but I didn’t, not completely. I felt a little bit of it, thinking about this as I washed myself clean, my hands sliding over all the same places that remember the touch of Niall’s hands and mouth only hours before, but I didn’t have that horrible, “oh my gods, I cheated on Justin!” feeling that I’d always had when I looked at guys before. Then again, I hadn’t really looked at a guy, not in this way, in a year. I hadn’t allowed myself to, but now I questioned that as well. Was I worried that I wouldn’t feel bad for looking, as I seemed not to now, or was I worried that maybe I had finally started to slide past my grief. I’d worn it for so long, almost out of habit, that it seemed like it was a part of me. I still felt it, still felt loss and pain, but thinking now I had to admit to myself that over time, the last few months or so, some of the sting had gone out of it. It was still there, but it no longer felt quite like I was being run through with a sword.

Even if it didn’t feel like cheating, it had still been a mistake. Niall was confused, and he’d just broken up with a guy that he lived and worked with, and had shared his life with for the better part of two years with. Maybe he thought he could walk away from that, but after all the talking we’d both done I was sure that he was just reaching out for anything right now. He needed someone to listen to him, someone who would be his friend, and not someone to have sex with. He might think that was what he wanted, but last night he’d told me he loved me. After knowing me less than a week, maybe he’d done more, seen more, been more places than most guys our age, if not all of them, but he barely knew what love was, he couldn’t. He couldn’t just throw it around like that, and more importantly, he shouldn’t. It was a good way for him to get his heart bruised, and from what I’d heard so far, it was bruised already. I just had to convince him that wanting me was a really bad idea.

I had no business getting involved, either. I had enough issues of my own, and I realized as I shut off the water and reached for the towel that I was mad at myself. Niall was impulsive, but I wasn’t. I should have stopped myself, and I would have, if I wasn’t so upset, and he wasn’t right there, and oh, hell. I was lonely, and randy, and I had made a stupid mistake. Now I just had to make certain that I didn’t compound it. Drying off, I realized that I hadn’t brought any clothes into the bathroom with me. They were all in the bedroom, with Niall. Naked Niall, in my bed, I flushed again, thinking about what we’d done and looked down to see the blush spreading across my chest too. Some friend I was, Courtney left me in charge of him for a week, and I had done such a great job of taking care of him, that he’d ended up naked in my bed. I was a terrible person, and sometime today, after he was awake and we were dressed and had some time alone, I had to fix this problem.

It was a great idea, but when I walked into the bedroom, thinking only of getting dressed, there was Niall, smiling at me, the covers kicked back and a hand slow stroking himself.

“I’ve been waiting for you,” he said, smiling. He patted the bed next to him with his free hand. The other hand was definitely full, and the pinkish top of his member glistened. My mouth went dry.

“Niall,” I said, barely getting the words out, shaking my head as I stood in the doorway. My heart was pounding, and gods, he was beautiful. No, bad thoughts.

“Come here,” he said, not slowing that hand down. He licked his lips. “Come on, Sean.”

“Niall, we shouldn’t do this,” I said, shaking my head, unable to move.

“Why not?” he asked, looking pointedly at my crotch. Under the towel I was hard, and there was no hiding it, but I remembered what I’d thought in the shower.

“Niall,” I began, trying not to see the way he looked, all those tight muscles shifting, those reddish pink nipples all hard and pointed. Had he been pinching them as he lay there waiting for me, while he was touching himself? A shudder went through me as I held the doorframe. “Niall, last night.”

“Was just a warm up,” he said, his voice husky, filled with possibility. He shifted a little, his leg bending, a knee lifting off the bed, and he leaned forward, finally letting go as he spread his hands out on either side of him. His member smacked his abdomen, throbbing visibly even from the doorway, and he was smiling as his blue eyes bore into me. “Come here.”

“Niall,” I said again, weakly, as my feet moved against my will toward the bed. As I walked over he leaned forward, his eyes never leaving mine. He reached up lazily with one hand and caught the edge of my towel. It dropped to the floor with a light tug, and his eyes dropped deliberately to my erection before they rolled back up to meet mine.

“Look at that,” he whispered. I gasped as he reached up and took my balls in his hand, lightly hefting them, not really squeezing. “Sean, I’m going to make love to you.”

“Niall,” I said, biting my bottom lip to smother a groan. “We shouldn’t, shouldn’t do that.”

He had his other hand on my hardness now, and all the resolve I’d had in the shower, all the assurance I gave myself that I’d be able to have a mature, rational conversation with him and that we’d just be friends, was rapidly burning away in the fire behind his eyes.

“We shouldn’t make love?” Niall whispered, looking up at me, his hands moving a little faster now. I shook my head, unable to speak. “Then we’ll just fuck then, now get down here.”

That was it. My hands were on Niall’s shoulders, pushing him back down onto the bed, and his hands left my cock to slide up my back, pressing me against him. My mouth crushed against his, more of those hard, almost bruising kisses from last night, and he jammed his tongue mast my lips, snaking it over my teeth and across mine, the two of them wrestling against each other. My hands skated up and down his body, not really registering which parts of him I was touching, just greedily soaking in the feeling of that hot velvet all over those tight, hard muscles. He had a little body hair, fine and soft, other than the bush around his cock, which I rand my fingers through on their way to wrapping around him. His hips moved, his back arching, and he pulled my hair almost painfully as he jerked my head down again, pressing my face against the side of his neck, silently letting me know that he wanted my mouth there and then affirming it with groans.

Niall took one of his hands and brought it down to my ass, running it under me, I almost jerked back in surprised as I felt his wet fingers. I glanced at the nightstand, not having noticed before, but somewhere in my dresser he had found a tube of KY. If I’d been able to form a coherent thought, I might have been upset that he’d been in my dresser. It was hard to be mad though, as he shifted my body, rubbing his member up and down my entrance. He might have snooped, but he had the best of intentions. He was rolling his hips up toward me now, letting out little groans that probably should have been deep but only came out as high pitched whimpers. Then he took my hand and brought it to his member and started rolling a condom down his shaft I hadn’t realized he’d placed there.

“Where did that come from?” I gasped, watching, still rubbing his hardness. It didn’t take Niall much work to ready my opening. He was well trained and ready to go. And he knew how to work everything he had.

“My suitcase,” he answered, pulling me down onto him. He grabbed my hips and stared up at me, his face hungry. “I’m going to fuck you Sean, I’m going to fuck you hard.”

He quickly rolled us over so he was on top of me, that was all it took. I felt him push against my hole, and when he slid inside he slammed forward. My hips rolled upward , inviting him. My legs hooking around his back, and he groaned loudly. It hurt a bit at first, in his eagerness he’d been too rough, that or I just hadn’t been ready as he was, but when he pulled back my hands reached up and dug into his shoulders. He caught my mouth with his again, he began to thrust, to push into me, and I instinctively flexed under him, my legs tightening their grip on him, guiding him as my hand clawed down his back. His hard steady rhythm almost pushing me over the edge, it had been a long time since I’d done this, too long, and as our eyes locked onto each other, I urged him to go faster knowing I wouldn’t last.

“Niall,” I panted urgently, feeling it build up already. I was too worked up, too excited. Niall seemed to sense it, going just a bit faster, slamming down just a bit harder. “Niall!”

“Shhh,” he whispered, biting at the side of my neck. I trusted him and when he rolled us around again, and he lay there on his back. “Better this way.”

“Sorry,” I whispered, wanting this to be good for him, too. He flexed a little, tightening his grip on my hips as he lifted me a few inches then brought me slowly back down burying himself fully inside me again, we both sighed.

“Don’t,” he said staring up at me. It was the same way he’d looked at me last night, with pure lust, that fire behind his eyes burning again. I wondered if he looked like that onstage. They’d sell millions more albums if they put this face on the cover. “Don’t be sorry.”

“Niall,” I whispered, wanting so much not to do this, not to hurt him, my mind seizing on the break in our rhythm. He pushed two fingers in my mouth.

“Don’t” he said, rolling his head back, as he began to move his hips upward again letting out a low sigh. “This is what I want right now Sean, this is what I want.”

We didn’t talk after that, not really. Both of us sighed and groaned, and made little noises when something felt good. Niall stared up at me as I rode him, his abs flexing with each upward thrust, and I let my eyes run down his body, watching fascinated. He seemed the very definition of lithe, firm and strong but not bulging or overdone. He didn’t have a gym body, but he was limber as hell, and as he undulated under me, rising and falling, flexing and pulling at me, he began to work up a sweat. I watched it bead upon his forehead, glistening along his hairline. Droplets ran over in tiny trickles over his neck, through the hollow of his throat, and over his pecs. They were rounded, defined and definitely present, but not overinflated hunches of muscle. Instead, like the rest of him, they just seemed to fit, curving across his chest above a gentle ripple of abs. Below those of course there was a narrow taper of his waist, and that cock, that was impaling me. Niall grabbed my hands, holding them tightly.

“Touch me,” he whispered, his hips thrusting upward.

My own hips we rolling with his thrusts, rising and falling on him, pushing him into me. Each time he stabbed up, I clenched, holding him and he’d let out a gasp, matched by a sigh of my own. He pressed my hands to his chest, and I felt his heart beating, his lungs hitching as he gasped, and his chest vibrating as he moaned. Justin had been a little quieter, more intense but Niall was vocal. Every movement, every touch, brought a different sound from him, from gasps to whimpers to whines to something that even sounded a little bit like purring. I let my hands play over him, catching the bud of his nipple, running over his shoulder and up the side of his neck, caressing his flexing muscles, just to hear those noises. Finally as he began to speed up again I began to tighten around him with each thrust, feeling myself push downward to my end. He sat up and I wrapped my hands around his back. In answer he brought his hands up to my back and pulled me down into him further the two of us feeding off each other.

When Niall froze, it was just like last night, his whole body tensing, going rigid like he was having a seizure, except this time he was buried to the hilt inside me, feeling myself clamp down tightly on his cock. We were cumming together, for me it was almost a defense mechanism as I locked up tightly around him. Cum shot out from me, not in neat ropes, but in a wide whitish splatter, dusting his stomach and chest almost reaching his chin. His hips bucked so hard as he came inside me, I gasped and threw my head back, and then when I finally looked down at his face he was grinning. Still inside me, he lazily brought a finger up to his chest, sliding it through my cum, and then brought it up to his lips, his tongue darting out to caress it.

“Look at you Sean,” He sighed, flashing me those perfectly straight teeth. “You need another shower, come on.”

He’d prepared well earlier, making sure there were now tissues by the bed, so that he could take care of the condom, and I wondered when he’d decided that this would be the perfect way to start the day. I didn’t want to ask, because I didn’t really want to talk to him at all. First I’d decided that I shouldn’t do anything else with him, that it was wrong and inappropriate and everything else, and then I’d gotten out of the shower, gone to the bedroomed, and let him fuck me without putting up an argument. In the bedroom, I avoided the mirror, not wanting to see myself, as he dropped the condom into the rubbish and flicked on the shower. He pulled me inside, and began to lather himself up as I stood dumbly in the spray before looking at me in that quizzical way of his, with his head cocked to the side.

“It’s good that your shower’s so big,” Niall said conversationally. I stared at him, taking the soap as he held it out, taking care of his front. After he said “Turn around, and I’ll do your back.”

I did, trying to figure out what else I could say to him, but nothing really came to mind. I didn’t want to hurt him, and I didn’t want him to think he wasn’t important to me, but I couldn’t let us keep doing this. Fortunately Niall took the lead as his hands massaged my shoulders with the soap and washcloth.

“You’re not happy,” he said bluntly. “Wasn’t I good? Because you seemed to enjoy it.”

His voice was light, but I caught the feeling behind it. Niall was the kind of person who needed assurance. I’d noticed it yesterday, when he had beamed visibly and brightened each time Kim told him he was doing a good job. He was confident, but his confidence had to be fueled, or he would falter. Realizing that, I understood how having his boyfriend teach on him, especially with an old boyfriend, could be so devastating for him, and why he was so depressed.

“You were great, Niall.” I said, and I was being completely honest. As I’d thought while he was inside me, he knew how to work it. I worried that wasn’t enough of a compliment, especially since I was about to deflate him. “I mean Look at you, you have a fantastic body, a nice big tool, and you know how to use both of them, and you’re a nice guy. You’re smart, and funny, and I’m really glad I’ve gotten to know you. I’m really happy to be your friend, but we shouldn’t have done that.”

“I know,” he said quietly, still rubbing my back. I wasn’t sure if he was washing so much as caressing, but I was enjoying it, and he seemed to be. “I mean, you have like five more minutes before you have to be at work. Or you could just be late, and let Kim bitch at you.”

“Niall, you know what I mean,” I said, turning around. He looked down at the floor of the shower, not meeting my eyes.

“I know,” he said, still not looking up. The shower was pounding on his back, and I glanced down at the angry red cut on his hand. The stitch work was black, glaring against his fair skin, and I hoped it was ok for him to get it wet, since he’d shed the bandage somewhere. “Sean, I’ve never met someone like you. I feel like, well, I think I love you.”

And there it was, the heart of the problem, or, rather, the problem of the heart.

“Niall, look at me.” I said, tilting his head back up carefully with a finger under his chin. The shower spray was hitting his back, so I didn’t have to worry about drowning him. His eyes looked enormous under his wet hair, which darkly clung to his skull. He was so vulnerable that I almost didn’t want to say anything else, but I couldn’t leave this alone. “Niall, I care about you. I know we just met, and we don’t know each other all that well, but I care about you, and I don’t want anything to happen to you. Most of all though, I don’t want to hurt you, and that’s why we shouldn’t have done that, and we can’t do it again.”

“You’re not hurting me,” Niall said as I stood with my hands on his shoulders. “I know what I’m doing.”

“No you don’t,” I said, shaking my head. “Niall, you just broke up with a boyfriend who’s also your best friend and who you also work with. You already told me that all your friends think you should stay with him, and that your family has all kinds of issues with it, and dammit Niall, you just met me. You don’t even know me.”

“I know enough!” he said, his voice rising. I reached behind him to flick off the shower, annoyed, and jerked the door open. “I know that you’re nice, and cute, and that you do care about me. Maybe that’s all I need to know! Maybe that’s all I want right now.”

“You don’t know what you want, Niall.” I said, handing him a towel. He jerked it out of my hand.

“Oh, like you do,” Niall said, drying himself vigorously.

“Niall,” I said sharply, drying myself.

“No!” he said, shaking his head. “You’re so good at playing the grown up, at telling me that I don’t understand, or that I just don’t get it. You’re so good at telling me I don’t know what I want, and look at you. ‘We shouldn’t do this.’ The time for ‘We shouldn’t do this’ was right before we fucked Sean, not after.”

“And what?” I demanded. “What the hell kind of logic is that? We did it once.”

“Twice,” Niall interjected.

“Twice,” I continued, raising my voice. “So we should just keep going? Niall, this is stupid. What happened last night, and this morning was nice, but it was a mistake Niall.”

I turned away, jerking open the dresser drawers, stepping into boxers and pulling out socks.

“Why was it a mistake?” he asked quietly, walking into the living room where his bags were. “Explain it to me, please.”

“It meant something to you, Niall,” I said, turning, and I saw that he looked stricken, as if I’d slapped him.

“And it didn’t mean anything to you?” he asked, his eyes watering. Shit. “you just thought you’d let me fuck you, and it didn’t mean anything?”

“No, Niall, I didn’t mean it like that,” I said, walking quickly over to him. I put a hand on his shoulder, and he flinched away, not looking at me. “Niall, please. It meant something to me. It meant a lot actually, but I don’t even know if I can say, but I don’t want you to think it was just something casual.”

“Then why was it a mistake?” Niall asked, turning, his bottom lip was quivering, but he wasn’t crying, and I smoothed his hair, my other hand squeezing his shoulder.

“Because it means something to you, that it doesn’t mean to me,” I said, and he pulled away again. He certainly was high strung, although I should have known that by now.

“How do you know what it means to me?” he asked, and I could tell he was getting upset again. How could anyone deal with mood swings of this magnitude?

“Niall, I heard you last night,” I said, and his face fell a little. “I know that right now, you’re scared, and confused, and you feel kind of alone, but I think you’re just reaching out for anything. You might think you love me but.”

“But what?” he asked, shoulders down. “I know how I feel.”

“Niall, we just had this discussion the other night, when you kissed me.” I said simply, shaking my head. “You don’t even know me, you can’t love me.”

“Why does it always come back to that for you?” he asked, sounding a little testy, but not shrieking again. “Why is it always this sore point for you?”

“Because you just came out of a relationship, Niall,” I said. “You haven’t had any time to be on your own and figure things out, to know what you want or how you feel.”

“You don’t know that,” he said, following me into the bedroom as I pulled on a shirt. “you don’t know anything about how I feel. You don’t even really know me.”

“That’s the point I’m trying to make,” I said, looking for trousers. “Niall, I can be your friend, I can be your confidante, if you need a shoulder to cry on, or someone to hug when you’re down, I can do that to. I can’t be your new boyfriend though.”

“I didn’t ask you to.” He said, standing in the doorway. I turned back to him as I reached for my shoes, and his face was serious. He also looked damned attractive in his tight boxer briefs and nothing else, kind of sexy in a subdued sort of way. “I never said I wanted a boyfriend.”

I stared at him.

“Niall, what are you trying to say?” I asked finally.

“I guess, you know, I want to be your friend,” he answered. “I want more than that, but not if you’re not ready. I feel good when I’m around you, and when I’m with you. I feel like I’m kind of special, and I want to keep that. I want us to be friends. I don’t want to fight with you.”

“I don’t want to fight with you either, Niall.” I said, patting the bed next to me. He came and sat down, and I thought about how odd we must look, me completely dressed and him almost naked. Then again, who was going to see it?

“Can we be friends?” he asked, looking thoughtfully into my eyes.

“Yes,” I answered, nodding. His eyes were so blue, like the sky, light and bright as an old comfortable pair of jeans. “Yeah, I’d like to be your friend, very much.”

“Do you want me to leave?” he asked, leaning in closer. “Do you want me to find somewhere else to go?”

“Where are you going to go Niall?” I asked, feeling uncomfortable again. I knew what I was supposed to think, and what I kept trying to think, but somehow he kept managing to throw me.

“Don’t ask me to stay for that reason,” he whispered, our faces close now. “Ask me because you want me here. Do you want me to stay?”

“Yes,” I answered finally, wanting to look away. “Yes, I’d like you to stay. But as friend Niall, just as friends.”

“That’s fine,” he said. I felt frozen, unable to move, and he leaned forward and kissed me on the forehead. His lips were soft , the kiss a little dry, but I felt myself shiver. What was happening between us? “I have to go finish getting dressed and stuff.”

Niall got up and walked into the bathroom as I shook my head, trying to clear it. We’d just agreed that we were friends, just friends, so why was he kissing me? And why did I like it? I stood and began walking out heading for the stairs, knowing that Kim would probably be on her way to bitchville by the time I got there, no matter what excuse I came up with.

“I’ll be down today, if that’s alright,” Niall said, leaning out the bathroom door with a mouth full of toothpaste foam.

“That’s fine, Niall,” I said nodding. I corrected it a little. “Actually, that would be really nice, if that’s what you want, but you don’t have to.”

“I’ll be down,” he said smiling. My hand was on the doorknob when he spoke again. “You know Sean, sometimes friends have sex. Especially close friends just something to think about.”

That was the last thing I needed to think about, sex with Niall. How good it was, how hot he made me, how I liked hearing the noises he made. Nope, didn’t want to think about that at all.


	11. Free Hugs

Kim threw me a dirty look in, drifting past her with a trolley full of newspapers as she stood taking chairs down, something I usually did. As soon as I walked out of the storeroom she began loudly dropping chairs, practically slamming them to the floor, but I chose to ignore her as she stood there seething in her floor my floor length black ball gown. I had no idea where she got the dresses, really, although Quinn once suggested that she bought them at a thrift shop and took them home to dye them black. This one even had a matching wrap, draped over her shoulders, and I wondered what colour it had started out as before being double dyed in what must be a permanently stained bath tub. I knew that she wanted to say something, but my brain was still trying to process what Niall had said. Friends weren’t the kind of people had sex, not unless they were fuck buddies, and really Niall was seemed like too good a person, too deserving of better, than to be my fuck buddy.

Even if I happened to need one.

Which I didn’t.

Still though, every time I tried to stop and think about it, these images just flashed in my mind. I saw Niall above me, eyes squeezed closed, face pleasantly tensed. I saw his chest moving, expanding and contracting, his nipples hard and stiff, peaking on his pecs. I saw his arms flex, or his legs moving. I saw his arm flex, or his legs moving. Not just that, I remembered the way he had looked when he lay on the bed stroking himself, the way his member throbbed, and the look in his eyes when he glanced up at me as I walked into the bedroom. More than that though, I saw the way he looked when he was asleep. I saw the face he made when I tried to slide out of bed, the way he looked a little disappointed, even in his sleep a little needy. I tried to keep my head clear, tried to focus on what I was doing even though I was walking through the set up chores on autopilot, but I kept hearing Niall laugh, or seeing the way his eyes flashed when he smiled.

“You know,” Kim began, snapping me out of my daze. “If I’d known you were going to be late, I would have come in a little earlier.

“Huh?” I asked, blinking stupidly at her. Kim laughed and shook his head.

“Never you mind,” she said, turning away. “I was going to complain about you coming in late, but you’re clearly having a slow day. Did you have a stroke or something?”

A stroke? Yes, I’d stroked Niall for several minutes. I think he might have stroked me, too. God, I needed to stop this.

“Something,” I answered, blinking. Kim sighed loudly. “What?”

“Well I was going to be upset with you,” she said, flicking on the coffee machines. “But there’s hardly a point when you’re head’s wherever it is, now is there?”

“Sorry,” I said, shrugging. What about Justin? What about me? And what about Niall? Did he even have the emotional maturity for a friends with benefits kind of relationship? More importantly, did I? “I’m just thinking.”

“I sure,” Kim said, shaking her head. “Come get your coffee, and then go do something. Nice turtleneck by the way.”

One of my hands flew up to my neck when she said that, as I wondered if she could see one of the bites, and she stared at my face with a smirk. I realized that I’d just confirmed what she was thinking, and felt myself blush.

“It’s not what it looks like,” I said stupidly.

“It’s not a turtleneck?” she asked, raising her eyebrows. I wanted to splash my coffee in her face suddenly, and turned away. We heard the door in the back of the storeroom close, and I walked across the café to unlock the front doors and put up the shades as Niall walked in. “Good morning Niall, do you want coffee?”

“Please,” he said, and I could hear the smile in his voice. None of this was bothering Niall, apparently. “How are you Kim?”

“Amused,” she answered, and I heard the clink a cup being set down on the counter, followed by the metal ticking of a spoon, probably stirring in the veritable gallon of milk Niall put in his coffee. “Show me your hand, does it hurt?”

“Not anymore,” Niall answered as I walked upstairs. “It did a little last night, but Sean kept my mind off of it.”

“He’s good at that,” Kim said smoothly, and I almost spit my coffee to the floor. The things I was good at, well, she’d never know.

“Yeah,” Niall answered dreamily. “He really is.”

I spent a good bit of the morning upstairs, avoiding both of them. I was trying to mind the shop, help customers, and figure out this thing with Niall at the same time, and I thought my head might explode. I thought Niall and I were just friends, but my definition of friends clearly differed from his. I wondered what kind of people the rest of the guys in the bad were, or if this was just something he had come up with, or if this was just something he’d come up with on his own. I also worried about what I was doing, and started letting all the same guilty thoughts I’d had in the shower this morning come back to me. I shouldn’t have let this happen, should have been the more mature thinking one, and kept us from doing this while he was so vulnerable, but somehow when I looked at him, when I stared into his eyes or felt his hands on me, I couldn’t seem to push him away. Something in me related to Niall, something fit with him, and that bothered the hell out of me. It seemed to cheapen what I had with Niall, the way I’d felt about him, to think I could feel that way about someone else.

And did I even feel that way about Niall? I’d known him for what, four days? What he’d said this morning was right, too. I didn’t have any business telling him how he should feel. I couldn’t even sort out my own feelings. The more I tried, the more they just seemed to run around each other in a circle, like racecars on a track, going faster and faster but not really getting anywhere. Kim seemed to sense my confusion, at least a little, as she left me alone for the morning, and when Quinn came in she did the same. Niall just stayed downstairs for the most part too, and when he came upstairs I tried to keep myself on the other side of the floor, as it did no good trying to think about him when he could just walk in and derail my entire mind. I was starting to think that I was a little deeper into this than I would admit when I felt arms circling me from behind.

“You look like you needed a hug,” Niall whispered, his mouth next to my cheek. I pulled out of his arms.

“Niall, stop,” I snapped, annoyed. “Just stop.”

“What’s wrong with you?” he asked, eyebrows scrunched together. His face looked hurt, but also a little annoyed. His voice wasn’t loud, but there was a definite whine, which I’d noticed everytime he didn’t get his way. “I thought we talked about this. I thought we worked all this out this morning.”

“I thought we did too,” I said, crossing my arms in front of me, annoyed as well. “I thought we agreed to be friends.”

“And?” Niall demanded. “Friends hug each other.”

“I don’t hug my friends,” I said, knowing it was a stupid childish thing to say. Why did Niall, for all his skill at flicking on the sex machinery inside me, also have this amazing knack to push all the buttons in my bad spots too?

“You hug Charlie,” Piers said casually, walking by. I wanted to push him over the balcony. Why couldn’t the staff stay out of this? You’d almost think they wanted me to end up with Niall.

“Sod off, Piers,” I said bluntly. This didn’t sting Piers at all, and he just smiled and shook his head as he went back to looking for a book for a customer waiting patiently at the bottom of the stairs. If the customer was older, Piers usually offered to run up and get it himself. Piers looked a little surprised, but patted Niall on the back.

“Thanks Niall,” Piers said absently.

“You’re welcome,” Niall said, winking at me. He turned and walked over to a customer. “Hi, do you need a hug?”

The lady seemed a little startled, but Niall looked so sincere, and he had those damned blue eyes and that smile and that oozing charm, and she was as powerless to resist as I kept finding myself. Niall hugged her tightly, and then moved on to the next customer. Downstairs I saw Kim and Piers watching from the café, both of them wearing the same amused expression. I was caught, and they all knew it. As Niall went through the entire store I couldn’t help but smile, and felt the irritation sliding out of me, too. He was a sweetheart, and people seemed to sense that. He hugged Kim last, picking her up and spinning her around as she weakly protested, and by this time all the customers were watching as he climbed back up the stairs to me.

“There,” he said smiling, that sexy little ‘I’ve been a bad boy’ smile that made me want to grab him and do bad things with him. “I’ve hugged everyone, can I have a hug now?”

“I suppose,” I said, swallowing. I was amused that he’d done all that just for a hug, and pretty surprised that I actually did want to hug him for it. How could I be upset with him? Niall’s arms wrapped around me, pulling me against him, crushing my chest to his. Everyone else had gotten a quick, almost cursory hug, but this was a real one. I found my face buried between his neck and shoulder, inhaling the fresh, clean scent of him, feeling his hands squeeze tightly at my shoulders before he let go and stepped back, smiling.

“Thanks,” he said, turning away to walk downstairs. “I needed that.”

Piers walked by, almost snickering, and poked me in the chest.

“Pick your jaw up off the floor and get back to work,” he said, shaking his head.

By the time lunch rolled around Niall hadn’t committed any further spontaneous displays of affection, which I was thankful for. I couldn’t clear my thoughts if he just kept putting new ones in there. Piers and Kim let him work, joking with him like he was one of the family, splitting a biscuit with him during a down spot. Kim mentioned maybe wanting to teach him how to use the till in the morning, and the three of them looked to me for confirmation, but I just shrugged. Why not? If he was going to stay here for a couple of weeks, and put in shifts at the shop, he might as well know how to help people, rather than just leading customers back to the rest of the staff. The three of them had things well under control, so I retreated to my office to work on the books, and to glance, every so often, at the picture of Niall and I above my desk. I looked happy in that picture, and wondered if I looked the same way now.

Niall’s phone chirping interrupted my thoughts. I looked out to see him frowning at it as he stood behind the counter helping Kim with the lunch orders.

“Piers, can you help Kim?” Niall asked, holding his phone. “I should take this.”

“I’ll get her, Niall,” I said, standing. Piers had three or four people in the line at the till, so I switched in for Niall at the counter. “Go on in the storeroom or my office, alright?”

“Thanks,” he said, squeezing my arm. My heart fluttered for a second as he walked away, flipping the phone open. “Hi Mam”

Kim and I glanced at each other. What was Niall going to tell his mother, exactly? I remembered what he’d told me about the way she accepted, but still disapproved. I didn’t know if it was really a good idea for him to talk to her right now, after last night, because he had to be at least as confused as I was, even if he was covering it better. What would talking to her do to him? Then again, it was his mother, and he knew her a hell of a lot better than I did. If he wanted to take the call from her, that was his business. Kim and I kept serving up soup and making sandwiches, and I left it alone until I realized that about twenty minutes had gone by, and that Niall was still in the storeroom. The rush had slowed down, and I looked uncertainly at the storeroom door.

“Go check on him,” Kim said, nudging me with a hand in the back. “Go on, I’ve got things out here.”

I opened the storeroom door and didn’t see him, but I could hear him on the other side of the shelves, near the back door that led up to the loft. His voice was tight, close to tears, and it boomed around the storeroom, louder than usual.

“Mam, please,’ Niall pleaded, his shoes scuffing on the floor as he paced back and forth. “Please stop it, please mam, please don’t yell!”

I waited unsure of whether I should interrupt. If this was a private moment, he might not want me standing here as an audience to his half of the conversation.

“No, mam, I don’t want to talk about that,” Niall said, his voice lower. I guessed that she had stopped yelling. “I don’t want to hear it. That doesn’t no, no, that doesn’t prove that. That doesn’t prove anything. It just proves that Liam’s a twat.”

This must be that part of the talk that Niall mentioned earlier, which was that every time they had a fight, his mum used it as justification to prove that he shouldn’t really be dating guys and that she was right. Niall sounded a bit calmer going over familiar ground, but was still clearly upset. I peeked around the side of the stacks and saw that he wasn’t pacing. He was dancing nervously in place, and I almost laughed, until I saw the dropped shoulders, and the way he was holding his phone to slightly that his knuckles were white. His back to me.

“No, no, I don’t care what he told you,” Naill said, shaking his head. “He cheated on me. Do you understand that? He promised, after last time he promised, and he did it again. He did it with him mam. You don’t know how that feels. No, I don’t care about that. It’s not like you and da. Mam, you’re not listening to me. You don’t listen, no, stop it. Please just stop yelling.”

Niall stopped dancing and sat down on the floor, folding his legs, holding his head in one hand.

“Mam, that’s never going to change,” Niall said, and it had the sound of a speech he’d given before. “Mam, I’m always going to be gay. This is who I am. This is how I was made, no, mam it’s not bad to say that. I don’t care what they say, because I’m alright.”

“Can we please talking about something else?” Niall asked, sighing. “We both know it’s not going anywhere. Do we have to talk about that? I told you, it’s just a little cut. They stitched it right up, and the doctor said it won’t even scar. No, it’s not going to be a problem with the shoot. How many times have you seen someone take a picture of the palm of my hand? I’ll be back in plenty of time for it. No, you don’t have to send someone. No, don’t. Mam I mean it. I only told you so that you’d stop worrying.

Niall’s voice was rising again, and he stood, his hand balling into a fist.

“No! I mean it!” Niall said, angry again. It wasn’t the same anger that he yelled at me with when we bickered. It was sad, like he was angry but didn’t want to be. “Mam, I knew I shouldn’t have told you anything! Damn it, I need space, alright? I need to think. Don’t tell him where I am! No, I mean it, don’t you dare! I don’t care what he said! I don’t care about him, I don’t care about the shoot, and I don’t care about any of the rest of it! No! No, no no! Mam, I’m sorry. I love you, but I can’t talk to you right now. I love you.”

Niall hung up, and his shoulders dropped. I crossed the storeroom and tapped him on the shoulder. When he turned his eyes were wet, and his bottom lip was trembling, and without thinking I grabbed him and hugged him tightly to me.

“Now, I think you need a hug,” I said quietly, and his arms squeezed sharply, almost crushing me. He drew in several loud, sharp breaths, but I didn’t think he was crying. He was shaking though, his whole body trembling a little, and I just held on, feeling his heart pounding. “Are you alright?”

“Why does she have to yell at me?” Niall asked. “Why does she do that? I don’t want to get mad at her, I don’t, but she just, she yells.”

“She’s your mother Niall,” I said. “She wants what’s best for you.”

“Now you sound like her,” he said, stepping away from me. He wasn’t mad though. He sniffled and wiped at his eyes. “I know she means well, but what she thinks is best and what I think is best aren’t the same things. One Direction isn’t the end of the world. I’m tired of thinking about what the band needs, and what Liam needs, and what I have to do because everyone else tells me to. I need some time to do what I want, and I can’t if everyone keeps telling me to do something else, you know?”

“I understand,” I said, nodding. Niall was having a teenage rebellion a little late. “Do you need anything? You can go upstairs if you want, to chill, or something.”

“No, I have to finish my shift,” he said seriously. I smirked at him a little. I couldn’t help it.

“Niall, you don’t really work here,” I said, shrugging. “I’m not going to dock your pay. If you need some time, go and take it please.”

He shook his head, smoothing his clothes back down and running a hand over his hair, even though it hadn’t moved. I could only guess that he’d been cautioned about appearing in public enough times that it was probably all unconscious straightening on his part.

“I told Kim I’d work a shift,” he said. “It’s my responsibility, and I take those seriously.”

I nodded, and turned to walk out of the storeroom, barely hearing him mutter behind me.

“No matter what me mam says,” he added, so softly I don’t think I was meant to catch it. I decided to pretend I hadn’t.

He tried to cover it when he went back into the shop, but his enthusiasm was down for the rest of the afternoon. He still smiled at all the guests, and was still polite and completely charming. He followed attentively when Piers taught him to use the till, and sent Piers home with a handshake and a smile when his shift was over and Charlie came in. Charlie, as was her nature, greeted him with a hug, and he returned it, allowing her to fawn over his hand and ask breathlessly about the hospital and the doctors and whether there was anything he needed. When no one was looking though, his shoulders dropped a little, and his face took on a thoughtful, distracted expression. Kim noticed it too, and as she picked up her jacket and bag at the end of her shift, standing with me in the storeroom as Quinn took over for her at the café, she nodded toward Niall, who was ringing someone up.

“Keep an eye on him tonight, ok?” she asked. “I think that call from his mum upset him.”

“It did,” I said, nodding. “I don’t want to intrude in his business though, you know.”

Kim gazed evenly at me, the look on her face one of amused chagrin, as if there was a joke in there that only she got, and she couldn’t believe it.

“Sean, trust me,” she said, smirking. “He wants you to intrude. I’ll see you in the morning, ok? Call if you’re planning on being late again.”

“I didn’t plan on it today,” I said, walking her to the back door.

I was hoping not to have it crop up again tomorrow, as well, although I had the distinct impression that Niall might have other ideas. His definition of the word ‘friend’ included a few perks mine didn’t. Then again, looking at him alone at the till, staring dejectedly at the counter but really looking into himself, I wondered if maybe his libido wouldn’t be curbed for the time being. Nothing crushed thoughts of sex like thoughts of your mum. I walked over to him.

“You’re doing a great job on the till, Niall.” I said, patting him on the shoulder. He smiled brightly at me.

“Thanks,” he said. As I’d noticed before, he thrived under praise, but I noticed now that he also brightened a lot more from mine than he did from Kim’s or Piers’.

“You’re welcome,” I said. “Look, your shift’s over. Quinn and Charlie have the night shift, and you and I need to eat. Upstairs, on the phone table, there’s a stack of menus. Pick one out, and order us some dinner, alright? I’ll bring it up when it gets here.”

“Ok,” he said, nodding.

Niall walked back into the storeroom on his way upstairs, and Quinn walked over, her heels clacking on the floor. It can’t have been comfortable for her to work in those, but today she was dressed as young Ally McBeal, slutty yet corporate. She must have had a presentation in class, or something. Her hair was pulled back in a stern bun, and her make-up was light and pale, giving her the overall look of either a shrewd business woman or a stuffy librarian. Either way, I knew that there’d he lads who would chase after that, too, lured in by the idea of such a prim, straight laced girl.

“We keeping our new employee?” she asked, grinning.

“I don’t know,” I answered, even though I did kind of know that he wouldn’t be here forever. For the first time, the knowledge that Niall wouldn’t be here forever hit me with a bit of a sinking feeling. “You think we should?”

“I really do,” Quinn answered, without hesitating. “I like him, Piers likes him, Kim actually complimented him, and Charlie loves him to death. She loves everyone, but you know, I think he’s a good fit here. It’s nice to get some fresh air in here.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked, frowning.

“Nothing,” she said, turning away.

“Quinn,” I began, wanting to ask again.

“I have a customer,” she trilled, shaking her head.

I wanted to smack her, the speech she just gave me was a little too pat, and sounded a bit to rehearsed. The entire staff had been in today, and the first thing they had done was ask Niall about his hand, even though half of them hadn’t been working when he cut it. They’d all talked about this, the conniving little backstabbers. No wonder everything they said about Niall was complimentary. They were trying to push us together. I felt resentment bubbling up in me. Justin had been their friend, damn it. How could they do this to him? How could they betray him like this? I started to walk toward her, intending to demand an explanation, but another thought stopped me.

It wasn’t really Kim, or Piers, Charlie or Quinn that I was upset with. I was upset with myself, because I was feeling guilty again. I felt like I was betraying Justin, even thought I knew he would want me to be happy, and I also felt a little angry with myself. Everyone else could see it, and everyone else thought it was a good idea, so why couldn’t I? Why couldn’t I let go, when everyone else seemed to be able to? Justin would want me to be happy. He wouldn’t want me to spend the rest of my life alone, and everyone else seemed to realize that, but would he want me to be happy with Niall? Could I be happy with him? Sure, he was fit, and he was nice, but he was also struggling with his independence, and his identity, and everything else. He needed someone who could help him with that, not someone who had issues of their own.

I was still thinking about this as I carried the food up the stairs. I could tell from the containers and the smells that Niall had ordered Chinese, but wasn’t sure of the actual dishes, and was a little excited to get upstairs. That excitement quickly dropped from under me as I opened the door from the stairwell, and found the loft completely dark. I set the bag of boxes down by the door, flicking the switch. The ceiling lights came on all over the loft, sending their little cones down over their areas, leaving the spaces between the rooms unlit, and I spotted Niall sitting on the window ledge, he legs folded under him. He turned toward me, and I saw that his face was wet, the streaks under his eyes and down his cheeks catching the light.

“Niall?” I asked quickly, crossing the room. I sat next to him on the shelf, watching his huge blue eyes follow me, and when I was seated he reached out with both arms. Not sure what was wrong, but wanting to help, I let him slide over and hold onto me. “Niall, what’s the matter?”

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, holding me tightly. He wasn’t still crying, but it was obvious that he’d just finished. His voice was thick and choking. “I wish, I, I’m sorry Sean.”

He couldn’t continue, so I held him. It seemed to be what he needed.

“You’re the nicest guy I’ve met in a long time, Sean.” He said finally. “Sure we had, you know, there was a bit of a rough start, but you’ve been so good to me. Being here for the past couple of days, hanging out at the shop, going around town and all of it, it’s been so good for me. You’ve been so good for me.”

“I’m glad, Niall.” I said, not sure of what other response to give. “I want you to have a good time while you’re here.”

“I am,” he said, his voice high. I worried that he might start crying again, because I could hear the tremor in his voice. “I’ve had the best time, and I wish, I wish it wasn’t, I wish I could stay here forever. I wish I could stay here with you, with all of you, with Piers and Quinn and Charlie and Kim. I wish I could stay here with you Sean, you especially, but I can’t. I can’t stay here, and I don’t want this to be over.”

I sighed, but didn’t let go.

“Niall,” I began, pressing him to me. “It’s ok to be sad about that. We knew you had to leave someday, that you wouldn’t be here forever, but we’ll still be friends Niall. Besides, you have time, you told me you still have days before the shoot.”

“You don’t understand,” Niall said, shaking his head. His body hitched as he swalled a sob. “I don’t have days, I don’t have more time.”

“Why not?” I asked. “Did something happen? Do you have to go? Is something wrong?”

“Yeah,” he said, finally letting go. He pulled back, so that I could see his face, but he didn’t meet my eyes, staring down at his hands. “Yeah, something’s wrong.”

“Niall, what is it?” I said taking one of his hands. He looked up at me. “Look, I know how we left things this morning, and how it’s been today, but I do care about you Niall.”

“I know,” he said, looking at our hands. “My mum called while you were downstairs, right after I called out for dinner.”

“Did you have an argument again?” I asked, remembering how upset he’d been earlier.

“Yeah,” Niall answered. “I, earlier, when I told her about my hand, she got upset, and she got really worried. She was freaking out, and talking about how anything could be happening and she didn’t know where I was or who I was with or anything and I told her I was here in Northampton. I didn’t want her to worry, and I just, I wanted to be a good son, and not like my dad was. I just wanted to make her feel better, so I told her I was here, and she promised that she wouldn’t tell anyone.”

I understood immediately.

“She told someone?” I asked, and Niall nodded.

“They’re going to come get me,” Niall said, his face crumbling. “They’re going to come here, and I don’t want to go.”


	12. Dinner, Dancing & Board Games

I shook my head not entirely certain how I could help him. I brushed a hand over my hair, and he sniffled, but leaned into it. He hugged me again, pulling his head under my chin, folding himself into me, and I wrapped my arms tightly around him, wanting to comfort him.

“Niall, they can’t kidnap you,” I said finally. “It’s not like they can load you onto a plane and make you fly back.”

“It’s not like that,” he said, shaking his head. His hair smelled good, like shampoo, but also like Niall. “It’s not kidnapping. They’ll just, they’ll show up, and they’ll talk about my obligations. They’ll talk about how they can’t do it without me, and how hard we’ve all worked, and all this other stuff. They’ll just keep hammering it in until I give in, and they’re right. We do have obligations, we have contracts and bookings and photo shoots and everything else. I just, I don’t want it to be over so soon. I don’t want to go until I’m ready.”

“If you’re not ready, then you’re not going,” I said simply, shaking my head. “You just have to stand up for yourself a bit. I mean, look at what you’ve already done. You decided you were tired of the way Liam was treating you, and you broke up with him, yes?”

“Yeah,” Niall said uncertainly, looking up at me. I tucked my finger under his chin, tapping my knuckle on the bottom of his jaw, and he smiled.

“So, you do the same with the rest of your friends too then,” I said, shrugging. I made it sound so easy, when in truth I really didn’t know all that much about his life, or the people in it. After all, I’d only heard it all secondhand, and Niall wasn’t exactly a nonbiased reporter. “If they try and make you do something you don’t want to do, you don’t have to do it. Friendship isn’t about guilt Niall, it’s about people respecting you enough to understand what you want, too.”

“I guess,” Niall said thoughtfully, looking out the window again. “I’m sorry.”

“For what?” I asked, standing.

“For being so, I don’t know, moody,” he said, shrugging. I patted him on the shoulder.

“Some people just are,” I said, smiling. “I’m going to go eat dinner now, you coming?”

“Yeah,” he said, unfolding his legs from beneath him. “Yeah, I’ll grab us some plates.”

“I’ll get the bag,” I said, walking back over to where I’d left it.

I snatched my ipod off the side table and flicked it on, and then I picked up the food bag off the floor where I’d left it. I adjusted the lights, turning some of them off since there was no need to have to have the whole loft lit up, while Niall set out plates and silverware. I walked over to the table and started to unload the cartons from the bag, wondering if Niall was overly hungry, or just indecisive, because there were almost a dozen containers in here. Niall set cups out, and then opened the fridge.

“What do you want to drink?” he asked. “I made some juice this morning.”

“That’s fine,” I answered, thinking again, as I had last night, that the two of us were very domestic for people who didn’t really know each other that well. On second thought, he was used to living with four other guys, so maybe he was just really well housebroken. Wait, did he live with them? I wished that I knew a bit more about them, other than their names and a few of their songs. “Niall, do you all live together?”

“No,” he answered, shaking his head. “We used to, and then Zayn and Louis moved out, then it was just Harry, Liam and I together, and then Harry got his own place too. Now it’s just Liam and I, but you know, I don’t really know if that’s going to work anymore.”

I looked up, and his face was turned down. I guessed that he was thinking about his home, and maybe his bed. I tried to imagine which of our situations was worse, and couldn’t do it. I lost Justin, but I could take comfort in knowing that he didn’t want to leave me. Niall thought it was best to leave Liam, but he still had to see him every day and be reminded of what had gone on between them.

“Niall?” I asked, seeing that he was shaking.

“I’m sorry,” he said, shaking his head. I hugged him quickly, feeling his shoulders trembling again. “I just, I don’t know why this is bothering me so much. I think, you know, I think it’s because of you and I, because I’m happy that I met you, and that we’re close. It makes me feel sort of guilty, for being happy. Is that stupid?”

He sighed, waiting, and I felt his breath rushing across my neck. His arms held me against him, and he was warm and firm against me.

“It’s not stupid, Niall,” I finally said. “I’ve been having the same problem. All day I’ve been thinking about you, and what we did, and what it means. I, maybe I’m stuck in the past or something, but I still love Justin, and what I did with you feels a bit as if I’d cheated.”

Niall pulled back, staring into my eyes. His eyes were so blue, the same bright shade all the way through, and there was this depth to them, his face was caring and concerned, and tender.

“Does it hurt?” he asked quietly. “Does what we did, does it hurt you to feel that way?”

“Yeah,” I answered honestly. “But it feels ok. It doesn’t feel like a bad thing, not all the time, and that confuses the hell out of me Niall.”

“Then, let’s not think about it, either of us,” Niall said, as if you could just shut it off. “Let’s just have dinner, alright?”

“Ok,” I said, nodding. We sat down and started opening the containers, and I could Niall smiling at me with one of his little toothless half smirks. “What?”

“Do you really think I’m moody?” he asked, cocking his head to the side.

“Don’t push it,” I said, smiling. “And pass the sweet and sour sauce.”

We had a really nice dinner, and afterward we didn’t really want to do anything. I felt like reading, but I always felt like reading. Niall wanted to watch tele, but neither of us were the type to just sit around on the sofa and stare at the screen. We were both too easily bored, and Niall had way too much energy. I remembered that there were some board games put away in the closet by the stairs, and we started to pick through them.

“Risk?” Niall, theatrically blowing dust off the top of the box.

“It hasn’t been in there that long, “ I said, shaking my head. Besides, we can’t play that with just two people. I’ll win too quickly.”

“Yeah, right,” Niall said, smirking. “Checkers is too boring, and no way are we sitting through chess. Monopoly? Clue?”

“I don’t think we can play either of those with only two people,” I sighed.

“Why do you have so many games for people, if you never have any people over?” Niall asked, frowning. He glanced at his watch. “Get out the risk, I have an idea.”

“What are you doing?” I asked, pulling the game out as he ran over to the phone. “Who are you calling?”

“Downstairs,” he answered, turning away, shielding the phone with his body before I could pull it out of his hands and hang it up. “Quinn? Hi, it’s Niall. Listen, Sean and I were going to play some board games, you know, sit about, hang out, and you lot close in ten minutes. You want to come? Yeah, call them, too. Alright, bye!”

I was stunned that he would just invite people up into my space like that. Granted, it was just the staff, but I would have appreciated being asked. Maybe I didn’t want to hang out with everyone else. They got to hang with Niall all day, and this was my time to spend with him. Wait, was I jealous? No, no that couldn’t be it. I just didn’t want people in my space, that was all. I’d never be jealous of sharing my friend with other friends, because that would mean, well, that would mean that Niall was a bit more than just a friend. He hung up the phone and turned back to me, his face sliding into a mask of uncertainty when he saw the look on mine.

“You’re not upset, are you?” he asked. “Please don’t be mad.”

I shook my head, pushing away that spike of jealousy and smiling at him.

“No, no, of course not,” I said. “I just, you know, wasn’t really planning on a party tonight.”

“We should get some food together!” Niall said, clapping his hands. “And we’ll put something on the stereo! Light some candles too, I’ll play with the lights.”

“Are you always this impulsive?” I asked, shaking my head, grinning as I looked in the cabinets for bowls.

I had some crackers, and some crisps and salsa, which would probably be enough. While I was pouring everything into bowls I heard Niall flicking a lighter, and the loft began to glow warmly. I put the bowls on the counter, with bread plates, figuring we didn’t need things right on the table where we could knock them over. Quinn tended to get rather excitable during games, and I had a feeling Niall would be the same way, so I didn’t want stuff around that could spill. I paused, wondering if thinking about stuff like that made me seem old, and listened to Niall put a cd in the stereo. When I looked up, he was standing in front of it dancing, all by himself and I giggled.

“What?” he asked, turning, still moving, he had quite the sway to him. A way of moving his hips without really seeming to move them, that dragged your eyes right to them. I shook my head, smiling broadly, not wanting to spoil his fun, and Niall held out a hand to me. “Come here, don’t look at me like that, come here.”

I walked over slowly, watching him dance as he held his hands out to me. There were still some lights on, but the candles added a soft flicker to his features, bringing an extra sparkle to his eyes. I couldn’t explain it, because Niall wasn’t just drop dead gorgeous, but somehow, with the right expression on his face, he became irresistible, and I felt drawn to him almost against my will. I stood in front of him, our eyes locked together, and he took my hands.

“Dance with me,” he said softly, his voice husky.

“Niall,” I began, not sure what to say as he began to tug my arms back and forth, adding a little shimmy to his movements. You don’t usually think of guys as graceful, but he was.

“Come on,” he said, still moving my arms a little in time to the beat. He was still smiling, his teeth even and perfect, his lips a little wet. “Loosen up a little, dance with me.”

“Alright,” I said, letting him lead me across the living room. The song was good, some old Natalie Merchant, and I danced with him, a little tentative at first, feeling kind of awkward and clunky in comparison to his lithe moves.

“See? You’ve got moves,” Niall said, laughing. Suddenly he dropped his hands to my hips, pulling me a little closer. My face was right across from his, and my mouth was completely dry as the room seemed to be getting extremely small. We weren’t touching yet, except for the light grip of his hands that I seemed to fill with my whole body, but we were close, and I thought we might be about to get closer.

“Niall,” I began, wanting to cut this off. Far from the firm tone I intended, my voice was somehow barely a half whisper, and Niall brought a finger up to press against my lips.

“Shhh,” he said, leaning in even closer. “Dance with me.”

We were still dancing, swaying to the music, leaning toward each other, both of our faces moving closer as his hand dropped back down to my hips, and then there was a knock on the door, and Quinn and Charlie pushed it open, both skidding to a stop as Niall and I jerked guiltily apart. Both of them were smirking, Charlie hiding hers behind a hand, and I felt my own blush rising as I watched Niall turn red.

“Bad time?” Quinn asked.

“No, no, of course not,” I said, almost bolting for the kitchen.

“Just getting ready for you lot,” Niall said quickly, walking over to the table. “I’ll set up the game.”

Charlie followed Niall, the two of them opening the box and starting to lay the pieces out, as Quinn smirked at me over by the fridge.

“Piers’ on his way over, and should be here in twenty minutes or so,” she said, taking glasses out of the cabinet. “Kim had a night class, so she can’t come over. If we’d know you and Niall were having a party, she could have skipped.

“This was spontaneous,” I said, pulling couple of bottles of coke from the fridge.

“I kind of figured it was Niall’s idea,” Quinn said, “He’s a smart boy, that one. And fit. And I hear he’s a hell of a dancer.”

“Quinn!” I began, meaning to cut her off, even if it was all true.

“I’m just saying,” she said, hurrying back toward the others. “Can I be red?”

We held off on actually starting the game until Piers arrived. He brought a six pack, figuring that one beer each wouldn’t keep anyone from getting home, especially since they’d all cabbed it or taken the bus. I was having a pretty good time, just hanging out and talking while we played. When I looked up at Niall, he caught my eyes, and carefully rolled his lips over the mouth of his bottle. I almost choked, but no one else seemed to catch it.

Charlie lost early, conquered by Piers. I managed to get a block of countries and keep them together, and was slowly working outward from them when everyone started yawning.

“Niall, roll,” Quinn said, smacking him on the arm as she stifled a yawn of her own. Niall blinked, tearing his eyes off me. He’d been staring at me for about a minute, but I was staring at my cards and pretending not to notice. “You’re about to lose Kamchatka.”

“I don’t even know where that is,” Niall sighed, shaking his head.

“I don’t think it still exists,” I said, patting him on the shoulder.

“You lot could just give up and admit I won,” Piers said, looking at the huge spread of countries he controlled. Niall rolled and lost, and we all groaned as Piers moved more armies relentlessly forward.

“I have class in the morning,” Charlie sighed from the sofa, where she was watching with her head propped up on one arm. “Couldn’t we just call a UN summit and surrender to him?”

“Fine,” I sighed, pushing my chair back. “I surrender.”

“Quitters,” Quinn said, watching as Niall pushed his chair back as well. Piers smirked at her. “Don’t expect me to give in.”

“Quinn, even if we split their countries, I’ll still win,” he said. “Go out gracefully.”

“I’m counting this as a tie,” she said, standing. She looked at me as I began to carry plates to the sink. “Do you need help cleaning up?”

“No, no” I said, shaking my head as Niall began to carefully return all the different coloured army pieces to their plastic boxes. “It’s late, you lot go home, Niall and I will get this sorted.”

“Ok,” Charlie said, pulling herself off the sofa as Piers handed her jacket to her.

The three of them walked toward the door, watching Niall box up the game as I cleared off the table, and they all had the same smirk on. I’d kill to be on the ride home with them, we waved them off as they told us goodnight, and Niall walked around blowing out candles and straightening the living room as I did the last of the dishes. When I was done, I went into the bathroom and got ready for bed, figuring that Niall would be folding out the sofa by now, and was surprised to see him waiting for me outside the door with his toothbrush. I assumed he was running a little behind, and didn’t give a thought as I stripped down to my boxers and climbed into bed. The bedroom was pretty dark with all the curtains pulled, but I could still tell that Niall was flicking off the lights in the loft, and I jumped a little when he opened the bedroom door and closed it behind him.

“Niall?” I whispered, feeling the bed move as he pulled the sheets down and slit into the other side.

“The sofa bed is uncomfortable,” he whispered, sliding over. I felt his bare chest against my back as he slid an arm around me and nuzzled his face against the back of my neck for a second, making a low hum of contentment.

“Niall,” I began again, not really moving. His legs brushed against mine, long and firm, and I could feel his breath on my back. I felt the need, again, to protest, even as I thought about how good he felt against me, and how he’d looked earlier, dancing with me. “I’m not your boyfriend.”

“I know,” he whispered, snuggling in closer. He wasn’t hard, but I could feel the warm lump pressed against me, covered by his boxers. “I don’t have a boyfriend.”

“I don’t want to hurt you Niall.” I whispered.

“Then don’t,” he answered, kissing the back of my neck.

I didn’t move, and didn’t say anything, and he did it again, following his lips with his tongue. I lay against him, feeling his hands cradling me, as he licked across the nape of my neck in short little strokes, just feather light touches on my skin with his tongue. His body moved against me while he did this, not a lot, but mine seemed hypersensitive to it, feeling every shift of muscle under his pale skin, and my body began to move back against him as he continued to rain down kisses across my neck and top of my shoulders. His hands were both on me now, trailing up and down my torso, brushing and caressing, but neither of us spoke. I gasped as I felt him working at my neck, and I pressed back, arching my spine, as he began to nibble at my ear.

I sighed, letting his hands move me, and then I was on my back and Niall was over me, holding my head in his hands, bringing his mouth down to mine. The two of us were making little noises now, urgent sighs, and sounds, as our tongues fought together. Like the last time we’d done this, Niall was kissing me so hard I thought my mouth would bruise, and I wondered if he threw himself head on into everything in his life like this. My hands roamed up and down his back as he kissed me, pulling off my mouth to drop his head down to my neck, using his face to turn mine from side to side so that he could attack both sides of my neck at once. My hands slid down his spine, feeling him grind himself against me. He was definitely hard now, his member a throbbing spike in his boxers, thrusting against my own, and I felt a stick kiss on my stomach as his head popped out from under his waistband.

Niall squealed into my mouth as I grabbed his bum, squeezing him hard through his boxers, and began to thrust against me even harder. He tossed his head back, his hair catching the bare fraction of light peeking in through the windows from outside, and I began to suck and bite at his neck as I kneaded his bum, feeling it harden and flex as he moved atop me. I slid my hands off of it for a second, long enough to press my fingers under the waistband of his boxers and put my hands on the real thing, cupping him with my palms, feeling the host muscle under his smooth skin. Niall’s hips jerked against me when he felt me touch him, and my fingers slid into his crevice, the tip of one brushing over his entrance as he gasped, a sharp, high pitched whine. Like he’d done to me before, every part of him I touched seemed to bring a different sound, and I wanted to hear them all.

Niall brought his head down to mine again, and I felt his firm, silky lips slide over my cheek before they fastened onto my mouth. With all the sighing noises we were breathing into each other, drowning each other, and somehow that turned me on even more. Niall pulled my hands away from him, dipping his tongue to run it over my teeth, exploring the geography of my mouth, and I ran my hands up and down his arms, feeling them shift as he peeled off his boxers. Niall grabbed his member with one hand, looking down for a second as he held my head with the other, keeping my mouth firmly attached to his, and he slid forward, maneuvering his throbbing member through the flap of my boxers. I felt it push slickly over mine, rubbing against it, our shaft sliding over each other, and I grabbed his bum again, pulling him against me.

Niall was grunting now, little high pitched whimpers, as he writhed against me, out members trapped together in my boxers, both of them slick. Sweat beaded up on Niall’s shoulders, smoothing the passage of my hands, and his kisses grew more urgent, his tongue invading my mouth as his hips drove forward. I felt myself tightening up, getting close and knew that I wanted us to go together, or at least as close to it as possible. I managed to sneak a finger between our mouths, and Niall sucked at it greedily, trying to swallow it. Pulling my hand away, I plunged my spit slicked finger into him, and he let out a sharp squeal as I pushed it toward his prostate. Finding his button, I pressed hard, sucking his tongue into my mouth at the same time, and Niall locked up above me. His chest flexed, his legs bucked, and his hips jerked hard against me as I felt sticky wetness fill the front of my boxers. He managed to catch my ear again, biting at the lobe hard, and I felt myself go over the edge as well.

Niall panted against me, his body a warm heavy weight as he pressed me down into the mattress.

“Gods Niall,” I panted, my hands still on his bum.

“Shhh,” he whispered, kissing me again.

Niall shifted a little, feeling around the bed for his boxers. When he found them, he pulled back , his softening member sliding out of the front of my boxers, and he cleaned himself off with his boxers, shuddering at his own touch. I figured he was one of those guys who got really sensitive right after they shot, and watched him as I caught my breath. The bedroom smelled war, of sweat and sex, but it was a good smell, and I lifted my hips as he pulled at my boxers. Still using his own, he cleaned me off as best he could, and then threw both pairs off the edge of the bed. Pulling the sheets up, he curled an arm around me again, spooning himself against my back, and his other hand played with my hair, almost petting me.

“Good night,” he whispered, his breath a soft sigh on my bare shoulder.

“Night, Niall,” I answered, drifting off before I could regret anything.

In the morning I was up first, sliding out of bed as Niall whimpered and reached for my spot. He was just starting to stir when I got out of the shower, and I patted his shoulder and pulled the sheet back up, but not without taking a second to lift it a little and savour the view. Sure he followed me around like a lost puppy, sure he lived too far away, and he was impulsive and everything else. It didn’t change the fact that he was beautiful, and that I could stare at him, at the plate expanse of his skin and muscle for hours. These weren’t the hours for it though, because I was needed downstairs. I managed to make it about five minutes before Kim, saving myself from renewed taunting.

“Sorry I couldn’t make it last night,” she said, flipping on the coffee pots.

“We missed you,” I said, shrugging. “It was a good time.”

“It must have been,” Kim said, straightening her counter as I put the chairs down. “You’re practically glowing. Are you alright?”

“I think I am,” I answered. I didn’t feel half as guilty about fooling around with Niall again, and the whole shop seemed kind of sunny and bright today. Kim eyed me speculatively, framing her question, and I cut her off. “No, I’m not with Niall, we’re friends.”

“Hey, I didn’t ask,” she said, holding up her hands. “You guys me be some friends though, I’m your friend, and I’ve never gotten marks on my neck like that from you.”

My hand flew up to my neck, and I realized I’d forgotten to wear a turtleneck again.

“Busted,” Kim sighed happily, turning to the first customer.

Niall completely didn’t help when he came down. As soon as he saw me he blushed and looked away.

“Hi,” he said, glancing at me and then back at his hands.

“Good morning,” I answered, fighting the urge to giggle. It was hard to get upset with him when I felt myself doing the same things he was.

“Gods!” Kim said, putting a coffee cup on the counter before him. “This is better than an episode of corrie.”

“Hey!” Niall said, his head whipping around.

“Kim darling, do be a dear at shut it, yeah” I said, stomping upstairs.

“And they call it puppy love,” Kim sang, passing Niall the creamer. I thought again about how ridiculously overstaffed the shop was. It could certainly use one less goth princess.

The rest of the day was fairly quiet. Piers came in for the afternoon shift, but refrained from torturing me with more speculative teasing. Kim didn’t say another word after the corrie comment, but I kept catching her watching Niall and I. For our part, the two of us gave each other a wide berth. Every time I looked up though, no matter where I was in the shop, I found Niall’s eyes on me, and it made me feel a bit uncomfortable. Every time he did something right, he looked toward me, waiting for a compliment, as if proving to me that he could do it, wanting me to be proud of him for handling even the simplest of tasks. For all his good looks and success, I was starting to figure out that Niall also had a bit of a self-esteem problem. Maybe me telling him we couldn’t be together was part of it, feeding it for him. After all, basically I was saying that he wasn’t right for me, wasn’t good enough, and he kept trying to prove it wrong.

I was in the storeroom, looking for a book Piers swore was here, when Niall pushed past me, his eyes wide.

“Niall?” I said, catching his sleeve.

“Did you find it yet?” Piers asked, stepping into the doorway. He saw Niall shaking and stopped, looking back and forth between us. “Lads? What’s the matter?”

“I don’t know,” I answered, turning back to Niall. Niall’s face was white, his bright blue eyes huge and panicked. I put my hand on his shoulder. “Niall?”

“What’s going on?” Kim asked, leaning next to Piers. “Why are we all in the storeroom?”

“Harry’s outside,” Niall said weakly. I thought he might start to cry, and I pulled him against me as Kim and Piers both looked at me then back at Niall.

“I saw him through the window,” Niall whispered, his chest hitching. “He was looking at a paper, and looking at the sign.”

The bell over the front door jingled.


	13. No Drama Like Popstar Drama

Never in the history of the shop, had the entrance of a potential customer been greeted with such dread. A fly on the wall of the storeroom would have thought that we’d just seen death itself ride in on its pale horse. Niall was still holding on to me, and I still had my arm around his shoulder, as the two of us just stared at Piers and Kim. Who completely blocked the doorway with their backs. The two of them stared back at us with bulging shock, mouths agape, listening to the soft click of shoes crossing slowly from the door into the café area.

“Hello?” a voice called. “Excuse me?”

I turned to Niall as his bright, panicked eyes sought mine out. His face was a mask of pain, his breath hitching as if he was about to start hyperventilating.

“Do you want to see him?” I asked quietly. Niall shook his head, and I thought his face in his hands, forcing him to look at me. “I’ll take care of this, stay back here alright?”

“Alright,” he whispered quietly, sounding miserable, and I leaned forward impulsively and kissed me on the forehead. Niall sighed gratefully against me, pressing his face on my shoulder for a second as he hugged me tightly, and I looked up to see Kim and Piers staring, their mouths still hanging open but their expressions completely different.

“Piers, find that book and bring it to the woman upstairs,” I said quickly snapping them into action. “Kim, go out and stall him. You don’t know Niall, and you haven’t seen him, got it?”

“Right,” Kim said, nodding.

The three of us moved as one, like football players breaking a huddle, as Niall shrank back into the storeroom. Kim breezed back out into the café, sliding smoothly behind the counter and letting her semi-sarcastic gaze of casual disinterest fall into place as she straightened some napkins. Piers walked past Niall, giving his shoulder a reassuring squeeze, and I reflected on how much things had changed over the past few days, not just for me, but for all of us. At the beginning of the week they had been amused and cynical, writing Niall of without even knowing. Now though, he was one of them. Niall was a part of the family and we were loyal to our own. If he didn’t want to see Harry, then Harry would have to go through all of us to get to him.

I walked out casually, holding a sheet of sheaf of papers that I’d grabbed at random, and crossed over to my office, watching as Harry approached the counter. He didn’t look like much from here, a tall, too thin guy with awkwardly messy curls. Just like Niall though, he had a spark about him, a sense of barely contained energy, but he was he was hardly cute in person, and I wondered how this lanky looking fellow was the idol of thousands of teen and pre-teen girls. He was here to bully someone I cared about, and that made it difficult to look at him in a positive or objective light. Kim looked up as he walked over, keeper her face neutral, and Piers hardly gave him a second glance as he brought the book out to the waiting guest.

“Um, excuse me?” Harry asked, his voice low almost lethargic.

“Yes, can I help you?” Kim asked, reaching for a coffee cut. “Get you some coffee, or a latte?”

“Actually, I’m sort of looking for someone, a friend of mine,” Harry began. I settled into my office chair, pretending to be looking at the papers, knowing that in the storeroom Niall was probably hanging on very word. “You lad, bit shorter than me, blonde hair?”

Kim frowned at him.

“No offense love, but this is a book shop,” she said, sighing. “We get a lot of uni kids here, and a lot of them look like blonde guys.”

“I’m a blonde guy,” Piers called from the first floor, glancing over the railing. Alright, you lot, don’t overplay this one. I half expected them to look at each other and go, “I don’t know who you’re looking for, but Niall Horan isn’t here.” They were capable of so much better than this.

“See?” Kim said, shrugging. “Is there anything else I can help you with.”

“No,” Harry said, shaking his head pulling out his wallet. “Look, I’m going to be up-front with you. I’m looking for Niall Horan. His mum is really worried about him, and I have reason to believe he’s here, or has been here. You think you can help me out?”

Harry pushed a few notes across the counter toward her, and Kim looked at them as if she wanted to pour coffee over his hand. She leaned forward, and her voice dripped liquid fire. I understood her anger, for Harry to play the mum card was underhanded, casting Niall in a horrid light as some kind of selfish prat, the way I’d seen him. And to top it off by sliding out money just reeked of all kinds of things that would irk Kim, elitism and classism, and all those other isms that pissed her off. The only thing that could have possibly been worse is if he’d tried that on Charlie. Piers would just blink at him, Quinn would take the money without helping him, tucking it away, Kim would get pissed and Charlie would give him a rambling lecture on third world countries and starving children that would have us all running for the far corners of the shop.

“We sell books, we sell coffee, and that’s all we sell,” she hissed. Harry shrank back a bit, but still kept that arrogant little sneer. “I can’t help you.”

“How about you?” Harry asked, looking up. He picked up the money from the counter, and held it up toward the balcony. I couldn’t see Piers, but imagined that he kept the same genial expression he always wore. “You think you might help me find him?”

“Niall Horan?” Piers asked. “Certainly, arts and entertainment, first floor, I’m sure we have something up here.”

Harry sighed, and glared at Kim, stuffing his money back into his pocket.

“Look, I know he was here,” he said firmly. “He left a phone number and this address on his paperwork at the hospital. You might as well just tell me where he is, or when he’s coming back.”

“You might as well get yourself a spoon to eat my ass with,” Kim said smoothly. I couldn’t believe the hospital would give out Niall’s information, but I also couldn’t believe that he hadn’t mentioned to me that he left my apartment as his address. I guess he didn’t think of everything. “I don’t really like your tone, nor do I like you. I don’t know how you got his information out of the hospital.”

“It was easy,” Harry said, cutting her off. “Some people like money, and know when to take it. Look, I’m about three seconds from calling the police and telling them he’s been kidnapped.”

“Is that a threat?” Kim asked, pointing at the phone. “Dial away, I don’t mind extra business coming through the doors. There’s no such thing as bad publicity, but is it really the kind of bad publicity you feel like dealing with?”

Harry was struck for a moment, fuming silently, and I figured it was as good a time as any to hop in. Maybe we could keep him off balance until we succeeded in pissing him off enough to drive him away. I glanced into the storeroom on my way out of the office, and saw that Niall was still in there. Why hadn’t he just retreated upstairs to the loft?”

“Kim, is there a problem?” I asked. Both of their heads snapped toward me.

“No, just some trash cluttering up my counter,” she said pointedly. Harry was never, ever going to come off her shit list.

“You work here?” Harry asked, ignoring her.

“I own here,” I answered, holding out my hand. I was deliberately, charming. “Sean Cullen, how can I help you?”

“You!” he said, eyes widening in recognition. What the hell? I’d never met him in my life. “Did he leave town with Courtney?”

“Do I know you?” I asked, slipping a little. “And how the devil do you know where Courtney is?”

“Niall’s mother, who I’ll repeat, is very worried about him, figured out that he only has one friend in Northampton,” Harry said. “I went looking for her, since we have all her information from when she worked for us, and her roommate said you might know where she is.”

“I do know where she is,” I said, which wasn’t a total lie. “But I’m not planning on sharing that information with you, and I know that Niall isn’t with her. Maybe you can’t find him, because he doesn’t want to see you. Why don’t you leave him along and give him some space?”

“What fucking business is that of yours?” Harry snapped, glaring at me. “Look, I don’t know what the hell you people know, or think you know, but I’m just trying to do Niall’s mother a favour, and do him one too. People who care about him are worried, and want him to come home.

“That’s rubbish,” Niall said from behind me. I turned to look at him, and saw that he looked scared, but also pissed off. That was what he needed, damn it. Some of that fire he’d shown at the airport, and not that weepy helplessness he’d been wearing last night like a shroud. “People who care about themselves are worred about me and want me to come home.”

“Niall, just what the fuck do you think you’re doing?” Harry asked, his hands balling into fists. His eyes fixed on Niall’s nametag. “What the fuck? You work here?”

“I don’t want to talk to you,” Niall said quietly, shrinking a little. Harry’s voice was harsh and sharp, and I wondered if they always treated Niall like this. “I think you should leave.”

“I think we both should,” Harry said, “Come on Niall, we’re going.”

“No,” Niall said quietly, shaking his head and crossing his arms.

“Niall, dammit, I’m not in the mood for your shit,” Harry said, walking around the counter. Kim stepped in front of him.

“Customers aren’t allowed behind the counter,” she said sharply, challenging him.

“God dammit,” Harry said loudly, and I heard Piers walking quickly down the stairs. We’d never ejected a customer from the shop before, but I’d be happy to start with this one.

“Oi, watch your mouth you!” Kim snapped as I put a hand on her shoulder to pull her back. She had a bad temper, and I didn’t want her to do something stupid, like slapping him. Sudden recognition dawned on Harry’s face as he glared at her, and I saw his neck turn brick red as he flushed.

“You’re the cunt who answered his phone!” he blurted, and Kim flushed scarlet as well.

“You, you lanky tosser!” Kim snapped. “Who the fuck are you calling a cunt?”

“Enough!” Piers said, just as loud. He was standing right behind Harry, trying to decide whether or not to touch him. I thought the pause was wise, since Harry seemed the type to sue. “Customers.”

Hell’s bells, we had an audience.

“You!” Harry answered here. “I’m calling you a cunt, Elvira!”

“Stop it!” Niall yelled, breaking in before Kim could snap back. His lip was trembling, and his expression when he looked at Sean was full of anguish, and actual palpable pain. His voice cracked and broke. “Why can’t you just leave me alone?”

“Niall,” I said softly, stepping toward him.

“I only want what’s best for you,” Harry said, the tension draining out of him. Kim’s shoulders were dropping too, but she still blocked the walkthrough.

“You don’t know what’s best for me,” Niall said, his voice almost a whisper. “You don’t know anything.”

Niall reached out for me, and I wrapped my arms around him without giving it a second thought. Harry smirked though, his mouth almost curling into a sneer, and I saw his eyes tick over the marks on my neck and the way that Niall, leaned into me.

“Oh, I see how it is,” Harry said snidely.

“Shut it,” I said bluntly, turning Niall away from him. “Kim, Piers, go settle the customers, Niall come on. Harry, I’ll talk to you in a second.”

“Look,” Harry began again, with that snide look still on his face.

“No, you look,” I said sharply. “Niall is upset right now, and it’s your fault. You can talk to him later, if he wants, and I’m going to talk to you in a minute. You can wait in the shop, or you can wait outside. Your choice, am I clear?”

“Crystal” he said, biting the word out.

“Good,” I said, guiding Niall out into the storeroom. I walked him to the back, and took his face in my hands again. He looked at me tentatively, like a dog that’s been slapped, and I felt crushed inside. How could they call him a friend and treat him like this? “Niall?”

“I’m sorry he yelled at you,” Naill said quietly. His voice was cracking again. “And I’m sorry he called Kim a cunt.”

“Hey, don’t do that,” I said quickly. “Not your fault, Niall. That’s his fault, not yours. Don’t take the blame for that alright?”

“I’m sorry,” he said again, and I wanted to shake him and tell him to stop apologizing. It wasn’t really the time for that either though.

“Niall, I want you to go upstairs for a while alright?” I said, pointing at the doors. “Go lay down, and calm yourself, and I don’t want to hear about your shift. Kim and Piers will understand, and they won’t be upset with you.”

“What are you going to do?” he asked.

“I’m going to talk with Harry, and let him know that he’s not talking to you until he’s ready to actually listen and not yell,” I said. Niall looked at me skeptically. “And I might snap at him a bit.”

“Ok,” Niall said, nodding. “Thank you.”

I leaned forward and kissed him on the forehead, as I had earlier. It just seemed like the right thing to do, at the time, and he brightened visibly when I did. I waited until I was sure he was in the stairwell, listening for the door to close behind him, and then I went to find Harry. He was leaning against the counter, arms crossed, exchanging surly glances with Kim. They weren’t speaking to each other, and I figured I needed to move him before she accidentally scalded the hell out of him with a big vat of coffee. He redirected his surly glance at me as I walked over.

“I heard all of that,” he said frowning.

“And?” I said, shrugging. “Come on, I want to talk with you.”

“Going to snap at me?” Harry asked sarcastically.

“Come on,” I said again, a bit firmer. I really don’t enjoy repeating myself.

“Where are we going?” Harry asked.

“The parking lot,” I answered, gesturing for him to follow me behind the counter.

“Oooh, the parking lot,” he continued, in the same snotty, sarcastic tone. “Going to kiss my arse? Defend your new boyfriends honour?”

I spun on my heel, wanting to plant it right on his teeth, and grabbed him by his blazer. Off to the side I saw a large man move toward us. I hadn’t noticed him before, but it would make sense that Harry would have a bodyguard, since I knew that Niall was supposed to have one at all times. Harry raised a hand, and he paused, but still walked slowly over.

“Listen to me carefully,” I said, keeping my voice low. I didn’t need to raise it, since I was right up in his face. “We’re going to the parking lot, because I have a definite policy of not shitting where I eat. If you and I are going to get in an argument, something you seem determined to do, I’d rather not have in front of my customers in the middle of the shop. You can bring your guard if you like, but we’re not doing this here.”

“Fine,” he said, as I let go of him and turned away. Harry and his bodyguard followed me around the counter and through the storeroom, Harry looking around, as I led them through to the back parking lot. It was either there or the roof, and I was afraid if we went upstairs I would want to throw Harry over the side before his body guard could stop me. We walked out, and I leaned against the wall as Harry stood across from me, still frowning. The bodyguard paced around the lot, giving us space. “Well?”

“Well what?” I asked. “Why are you so mean to him? Couldn’t you see how upset he was? What sort of friend are you?”

Harry surprised me by laughing, shaking his head. I stared, and he stopped, smirking at me.

“He’s got you already,” Harry said. “That didn’t take long at all. Sleeping with him yet?”

“Excuse me?” I asked, flushing a bit. “That’s not really any of your business.”

“And that’s all the answer I need,” Harry said, shrugging. “Look Sean, if I can call you that, you don’t really know anything about what’s going on here.”

“I know plenty,” I said, crossing my arms. I could play surly just as well as he could. “I know that you’re here to bully Niall, and tell him what to do. I know that you’re here to talk a lot, and you’re not going to listen to a thing he says.”

“Oh, you know all that?” Harry said. “That’s so cute, but like I said, you don’t really know anything. What makes you think it’s even possible to bully Niall?”

“He’s told me about the way you lot treat him,” I said, now somewhat annoyed.

“I bet he has,” Harry said, nodding. “I bet he’s told you all about us, and his mum, and everything else. He’s probably thrown in a bunch of tears, and pity, and told you about how all we do is tell him what to do, hasn’t he?”

“It’s not like that,” I said, shaking my head.

“I’ll bet it isn’t,” Harry said, sarcastically.

“Why are you such a twat?” I asked, annoyed. I didn’t like the entire tone of this discussion.

“Look, I’m just trying to open your eyes, alright?” Harry said. “You seem like a nice enough bloke, and you’re clearly loyal, which is always a good character trait, but you’re not getting a clear picture.”

“No?” I asked. “Niall’s told me all about Liam, and how he cheated on him, and how you’re probably here to tell Niall to go back to him, because that’s what’s best for all of you. Is that the piece of the picture that I’m missing?”

Harry’s eyebrows went up a little. Maybe he hadn’t thought Niall would tell me about that.

“Actually, that is some of what you’re missing,” Harry said, shrugging. “But it’s not all of it. Niall and Liam’s relationship is, well, it’s complicated, and the reason why we all have a hand it it is because they’re our friends, and the five of us spend a lot of time together. It’s hard not to be involved when you share a bus and a dressing room and twenty four hours a day. What I’m trying to tell you, though is that whatever Niall told you, is only half the story. You don’t really know the other side.”

“I’m not sure you could tell me anything about Liam’s side that would change my mind,” I said, sitting down on top of a rubbish bin. I still didn’t like Harry, but it was hard to stay mad at him now that we’d stopped snipping at each other. I still didn’t like the way he almost seemed to be talking down at me, though. “Niall loves him, and Liam cheated on him with his ex boyfriend even after he’d promised Niall he would stop. That’s a dick move, and I don’t think you can tell me anything that’ll change that.

“I’m not going to try,” Harry said. “Like I said, their relationship is complicated, but when it gets screwed up, it affects the rest of us too. You can’t expect us not to say anything, or to try and help them figure things out. What I mean, though, is that you don’t really know much about the rest of us. I’m sure Niall has told you plenty about how we treat him, but I bet he hasn’t said a word about how he treats us.

Now that I thought about it, that was true. Niall had told me quite a bit about the way that everyone made demands on him, and how he just needed to be away from them to clear his head, but that didn’t really tell me anything about how he was with them. Still, it couldn’t be all that different from the way he was with me, could it?

“I’m sure he’s not half as mean as you are to him,” I said, shaking my head, pushing that sudden doubt away. “What I saw just now was you snapping at him, being deliberately hurtful, and completely ignoring the way he was feeling or anything he was trying to tell you. Even if he is a little mean to you, there are four of you, and only one of him.”

“And it’s all of us against him, is that it?” Harry asked, chuckling again. He sat down across from me on a stack of wooden crates. There were all sort of odd things back here, and I remembered that it was probably time to have the lot cleaned again. “Sean, you haven’t really had any time to know him at all, no matter how much you’ve talked, because Niall has only shown you what he wants you to see.”

“And what?” I asked, shaking my head. This ploy was so obvious it was transparent. “You’re about to tell me that he’s a two faced master manipulator, and he’s turned me against all of you? What would be the point? I’m nobody to you people. I’m just a friend that Niall’s staying with.”

“No, not quite,” Harry said, shaking his head. “You’re the friend that Niall’s sleeping with. What do you think he would have done if Liam came to get him instead of me? Niall’s using you Sean. Liam hurt him, and Niall’s going to hurt him back with you.”

“Niall wouldn’t do that,” I said, shaking my head. “I’m not Niall’s new boyfriend, and he’s not like you said. He wouldn’t be that petty. You said that I don’t know him, but I don’t think you really know him either.”

“What do you know about him that I don’t?” Harry asked, I thought it was sarcastic, that he was about to use this as another chance to point out how he’d known Niall for years and knew so much more about him that I ever would, but he actually seemed serious.

“I know that he’s hurting,” I said. “I know what Liam did has really hurt Niall inside. When he talks about it, I can hear the pain in his voice, and I had to more or less dig it out of him. I know that he’s just scared and hurt and he’s trying to find himself, and that it’s really hard for him to do that with all of you telling him who to be and who to be with.”

“You’re right,” Harry said. “He is confused, he gave up a lot of is childhood with us, and sometimes he’s temperamental and immature because of that, but his scared and hurt side is the only part of him you’ve seen. He’s not some lost lamp, wandering through a forest full of wolves.”

“I already told you,” I began, standing. “I’m not going to believe that he’s some kind of manipulative brat that’s just using me to flash me in front of his boyfriend. If you’re going to keep repeating yourself, I’m going to go.”

“Wait, please,” Harry said, standing as well. “I’m not trying to convince you that Niall’s some kind of two faced bastard, because he’s not. Yes he’s scared right now, and upset, but this is typical behavior for him. Running away from his problems is something Niall does all the time.

“And you lot always come running after him,” I said. “He told me you always bring him back.”

“Because we have to!” Harry said. “We have obligations, all of us, and Niall is part of that.”

“Whether he likes it or not,” I said, frowning.

“Oh, did he give you the impression that he doesn’t like that?” Harry said, shaking his head. “Do you know how you have upstairs? You have Niall Horan, the ego that ate One Direction,. He’s written half our second album, and yes, we let him, but still, he’s basically taken over the entire band. His press agent works overtime making certain that Niall gets mentioned, and don’t even get me started on the sham dates with Cher. The world wants Niall, and the rest of us are along for the ride. Given that, I think we have a right to make sure he’s there in the driver’s seat, don’t you?”

“Niall wouldn’t stomp all over you,” I said, my voice rising a bit. “He wouldn’t hurt you to get himself ahead.”

“No, and we’re not hurting him either,” Harry said. “We want what’s best for him, and we also want what’s best for ourselves. Like I said though, you’ve only seen one side of him. You haven’t seen Niall, the super star, standing in front of the cameras. And no, he hasn’t stepped on all over us and hurt us on purpose, but he wants to be number one. Like it or not, on our second album he came One Direction’s lead singer, he’s the front man, and we can’t really go to photo shoots, and press conferences without him. He has obligations, and if he doesn’t like them, he has no one to blame but himself.

I shook my head, the picture that Harry painted was an entirely different Niall from the one I had seen, and I found it hard to reconcile the two. At the same time though, Harry was right. I had only seen Niall in one setting, in one light. I remembered his tantrums at the airport, and the argument we’d gotten into in my office. Even no he and I still bickered a little as he kept trying to get his way, stubbornly insisting that he and I should be together.

“Loo Harry,” I said, turning toward the door. “I care about Niall a lot. I know I haven’t known him for long, but I still don’t want to see him hurt. I know that you lot don’t have anything planned for a couple more days, so there’s no rush, and I also know that he’s planning to come back for your shoot. He and I have already talked about it. If you want to talk to him, I’ll tell him to call you, but I won’t let you upset him again Harry. I know you mean well, but so do I.”

“Fine,” Harry said shrugging. “I’ll go get a hotel. I understand you wanting to take care of him, and I won’t criticize you for that. Just remember Sean, that there’s more to Niall than the sad boy who cries a lot, here.”

I looked down, and saw that he was handing me his card.

“Thanks,” I said, wondering why I’d need to call him.

“Can you at least tell me something about his hand, to tell his mother?” Harry asked, “She really is worried about him.”

“It’s what he told her on the phone,” I said, opening the door. “He had an accident in the kitchen, and he got a couple of stitches, he’s really ok.”

“Thanks,” Harry said. “I’ll tell her that.”

I went inside to check on Niall, wondering the whole way who, exactly he was, and whether Harry was right about him.


	14. Slightly Melodramatically Insecure

I checked the shop, quickly making sure Piers and Kim were alright and had everything under

Control, and then decided to knock off early and go upstairs. Harry and his body guard hadn’t come inside,   
choosing instead to walk around the building through the alley to get back to their car. If he wanted to, Niall   
could have watched them go from the windows upstairs, and I wondered if he had.

As I climbed the stairs, I wonder about Niall and what he was doing, while I turned Harry’s card over  
and over in my hand before sticking it in my pocket. Niall already had the number, so he wouldn’t need  
it, I couldn’t imagine what I would do with it, or why I would have any reason to call him, but I didn’t  
want to throw it away. The door to the loft was locked, as if Niall were afraid that Harry might climb

the stairs and come get him, and as I fit the key in the lock I wondered again what Niall was doing.

Was he crying? He had been really upset to see Harry, and seemed like he was barely able to  
stand up to him. Harry’s attitude didn’t help that situation in any way. He had treated Niall like a spoiled  
child, snapping at him like he expected him to listen. His manner had the feeling of an old, comfortable  
habit. He expected Niall to just drop everything and do what he said, and it probably would have  
happened if I hadn’t been there for Niall to lean on and draw strength from.

Was he talking to his mother? It was one thing to know that she had leaked and told the lads  
Where he was, but it was quite another to see proof of it in the flesh. He asked her to promise not to tell  
anyone, and she had turned around and done it practically as soon as he’d hung up. If the phone  
conversation I’d overheard in the storeroom were any indication, things between them were strained.  
and this couldn’t help matters any. Niall had mentioned his mother also served as his manager, and I  
couldn’t help but question whether she had a conflict of interest.

Was he waiting for me? He probably was. I could see him in my mind’s eye, sitting on the  
window sill, knees drawn up and his arms wrapped around them. He’d be thinking, but turned toward  
the door, perfect shell shaped ears cocked for the sound of my key on the lock. His sleeves would be  
pushed up, exposing his pale forearms with their fine coating of golden hair, or he would have discarded  
his top entirely, sitting on the windowsill in his wife beater, his shoulders shining in the light. His blue  
eyes would be sparkling and alive, crackling with energy, and those pearly perfect white teeth would  
peek from behind his pinkish, velvet soft lips.

But how did he really feel about me?

Damn it, I never should have talked with Harry.

I don’t know for sure if Niall was waiting for me at the top of the stairs, but he was close to the  
door, and when I opened it and stepped inside he hurried toward me, holding his hands urgently in front  
of himself, twisting them nervously. I looked at him trying to clear my head, trying to reconcile the picture that   
Harry had left me with. Niall stood in front of me looking gutted, his eyebrows furrowed  
together above his bright eyes, which were large and afraid. At the same time though, was he truly  
upset? Was he really nervous and conflicted, or was that just the role that he had taken with me? Was  
it a part he was playing to gain sympathy?

“Sean?” he asked quietly, his voice tight. “What did he say?”

Why did he want to know? Was he scared of what I might have heard? Was he afraid that Harry  
might tell me some of the truth, and that I’d see through him? Was he asking so that he’d be able to

come up with another lie?

“It’s not important Niall.” I said pushing past him.

I wanted to sit for a second. I wanted to do anything to stall this conversation, because I knew  
If he kept pushing me I would say something I might not mean later. I just wanted to think this out, to  
try and understand what was happening, but Niall wouldn’t take the hint, and wouldn’t leave me alone.  
He followed me across the flat toward the kitchen, trotting along urgently behind me like a puppy, and  
I felt a surge of resentment boiling in me. I just wanted some space, damn it, perhaps I’d settle for a  
a drink if I could get Niall off my arse to have in peace.

“It is important,” Niall said. “Please, just tell me what he said, did he yell at you?”

Was he actually worried about me? Was he really concerned that Harry would say something  
to hurt or upset me? Niall had been so sweet, and caring. He couldn’t really be the manipulative,  
egotistical cunt that Harry had more or less said he was.

“Niall, I don’t want to talk about it,” I said, twisting the cap off a juice bottle. I felt his arms wrap  
around me from behind as he settled his head onto my shoulder.

“I’m sorry you’re upset,” he whispered, his lips right on my ear. I shrugged his arms off, jerking  
away from him.

“Niall, stop it.” I snapped, irked again.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, his face scrunching up again. “Are you mad at me?”

“I can’t do this Niall,” I answered finally, setting the juice down on the table. I felt my shoulders  
slump. “I just, I can’t do this, I can’t do any of this.”

“Do what?” Niall asked, crossing his arms. I stared at him, noticing how good he managed to  
look, even then. If Niall looked happy, you wanted to be happy with him, and when he looked hurt you  
wanted to comfort him. “I was just trying to make you feel better.”

“I don’t want you to make me feel better,” I said, looking away. “I just want to be alone, alright?  
I need some time to think.”

“About what? Sean, will you please just talk to me?” he asked, following me as I began to walk  
Toward the bedroom. Niall grabbed my arm, a little harder than he probably intended, but his fingers dug into my skin, and I spun on my heel, jerking away from him.

“Are you using me so you can get back with Liam?” I barked, stepping toward him. Niall paled,  
his jaw working soundlessly, as he took a step away from me. “Are you? Are you playing with me so that  
you can throw me in Liam’s face, to get back at him for cheating on you?”

“Is that what he told you?” Niall asked, his voice rising, getting sharper. I waited to see if his  
eyes would start to water, half convinced that he’d be really upset and half convinced that he was just  
acting it. “Is that what Harry said to you?”

“How can you even ask me that?” Niall asked, his face starting to redden. “You know I wouldn’t.”

“I don’t know Niall!” I snapped, watching him flinch again. Where was that fire he’d had all  
those other times we argued? Where was the snappy, prissy attitude that he flashed so well? “I don’t  
know what you would or wouldn’t do! I feel like I don’t even know you at all.”

“I thought we were getting to know each other,” Niall said quietly. “I thought we were talking  
things out, and getting to know how we felt, and what was going on between us. I thought you  
understood what it’s like to be me.”

“I don’t understand who you are,” I said, turning away. Neither of us were yelling now. It was  
too hard to yell at him when he just sat there looking dejected. “Niall, Harry talked about you, and the  
things he said, it’s difficult to associate them with the person I’ve seen you to be. It’s just that, I feel as  
if I don’t know who you are. I’ve only known you for a few days, and he’s known you for years.”

“Harry doesn’t know me, not like you.” Niall said softly, walking toward the window.

“You’re not friends?” I asked, ignoring the point that only Liam knew Niall in quite the same  
way that I did.

“We are,” Niall said, shaking his head. “We’re friends, but we’re not, I don’t know, When I’m  
with Harry I’m a friend, but I’m a piece of the machine too. We just, when we first started out, we were  
all together at the judges house, and we were always hanging out all the time, and I felt like we were  
friends. I felt like we were all brothers, but as we got bigger, things have just changed.”

“It can’t just be them who have changed,” I pointed out.

“I know,” Niall said, nodding. “It’s just, you know when you go home, no matter how old you  
are, they always treat you like a child? Or you start fighting with your brothers over stupid things, like  
you never grew up?”

“I’m an only child.” I said. He turned, looking pained, and I smiled to let him know that I  
understood. “I know what you mean Niall, when I go home my mum wants to know where I’m going,  
and who I’m with, and if I’ll call if I’m going to be late.”

“And it’s just because that’s what she’s used to,” Niall said, nodding. “Family never changes,  
and the lads, we really are like family, but not just in the good way. When I’m with them, I do sort of  
fall back into a pattern. Harry probably told you that I’m spoiled, and that I get my way, and it’s true.  
I don’t always mean to, but they push me, and then I push back, and things just keep going the same  
Way all along.”

I thought about it, and it made sense, in a way. But what did that mean for me? Niall was going  
to go back to the band someday, apparently someday soon, and if what he was saying was true, he  
was going to start acting differently. I hadn’t heard much about him, but if he was anything like the  
Niall I’d met at the airport, I didn’t think I wanted to know him or hang out with him.

“So you fall into the same rut whenever you’re around them?” I asked, and Niall nodded.

“So where does that leave me?”

“What do you mean?” he asked, staring at me neutrally.

“What happens with you and I, when you go back to your friends?” I asked.

“We both know you can’t stay here forever, we both know that someday soon you’re going back to  
them. Are you going to become someone else? Are you going to feel differently about me?”

Niall crossed over to me, wrapping his arms around me. I wanted to shrug him off, but I  
wasn’t mad anymore, and his arms felt warm and tight around my shoulders.

“I told you that I love you,” Niall said quietly. “If you can’t look at me, can’t listen to me, and  
tell the way I feel about you, I don’t know what else I can do to convince you. Even if I do start to act  
like that, start to be a bit, I don’t know, a bit of a brat, or whatever, I won’t ever do that with you. I love you, like I told you.”

I wanted to believe him. I wanted to believe, more than anything, that he really did love me, but in the end I had doubts. I couldn’t help it.

“What about Liam?” I asked. “What about your habit of being with Liam? It’s what you’re used  
to. Every minute of your life for years has been spent with him. All your friends expect you to be with  
him, your family does, and maybe he does too. What if you go back, and fall into that habit? You want  
me to believe that you love me, and you want me to love you back, but how do I know you’re not just  
going to go back to him?”

Niall let go of me, his arms falling away, and I wanted to grab them, but I knew I needed to let  
him go if he didn’t want to hold me. I needed to let him go somewhere else. I thought he’d go  
somewhere to think, that he’d walk away or something, but he just stood, staring out the window.

“I guess you don’t know,” he answered quietly. “I guess the only thing you’d have to believe  
in would be me, and my promise not to hurt you.

“Niall, I don’t believe that you would ever, ever hurt me intentionally, not for any reason.”

I said walking over to stand next to him.

“But?” he asked, almost whispering.

“But you’ve loved him your entire adult life,” I answered. He looked like he might cry. “And even  
Before that, you can’t just get over that in a week Niall. You can’t just move on from that and pretend  
It never happened. What’s gone on between you and I this week isn’t really a part of your world. You’re  
here to get away from everyone and everything you know, but when you go back, you’ll be stepping  
right back into your life, and I can’t believe that you’ll be able to sing with him, to spend every hour of  
every day with him and not feel some of that.”

“So you’re scared,” Niall said finally, carefully rolling the words out, making sure I caught them.  
I thought about my answer, and swallowed, the lump rising in my throat, the voice in the back of my  
mind that told me I was trying to destroy a good thing.

“Yes,” I said finally. “Yes, I’m scared. I’m scared that I might believe you, that I might listen to  
You, and I might start to fall in love with you.”

“Would that be such a horrible thing?” Niall asked, reaching out with one hand to run the back  
of his fingers over my face. “Would that be so terrible?”

“Not, on its own,” I answered. “But if we got together, and then you went back to him, that would be terrible.   
He knows you in ways that I don’t Niall. He knows things about you that I haven’t had  
the time to learn, and he has this history with you, and I don’t feel I can compete with that. I don’t feel  
I can compete with how important he really is to you.”

Niall snickered, shaking his head, but it wasn’t a real laugh. It was bitter, a wry chuckle, like he  
couldn’t believe what I’d just said. I turned to face him, sat on the windowsill, and he turned as well  
sat next to me.

“What?” I asked finally, waiting. He looked uncomfortable, pained as if whatever he wanted to  
say hurt him as well. “Niall?”

“It won’t do you any good to hear this,” he said, swallowing. “It won’t help anything.”

“Niall, please tell me.” I said wanting to help.

“Like you told me what Harry said?” he asked, staring thought fully at me. His face, for the first  
time since I’d know him was completely closed off. I couldn’t read him at all, and his voice was  
completely neutral. “What, we should share everything, even if it’ll hurt the other?”

“Yes,” I answered simply. “Niall you don’t have to be afraid to talk to me. You should be able  
to tell me anything.”

“Yah, I should.” He agreed. “But you’re not as receptive as you like to think you ar. If I say the  
wrong thing, maybe everything will be alright, and maybe we’ll talk through it, or maybe you’ll lock  
yourself in the bedroom again.”

“You’re right,” I said, nodding. “I’ll try not to, but you’re right.”

“See?” Niall said. “You’re not the only one who’s afraid. You’re worried that I’m going to run  
back to my friends and turn into some completely different person, but I’m worried all the time when  
I’m around you. I’m worried that I’m going to say the wrong thing, or do the wrong thing, and you’ll  
shut me out. I’m worried that as close as we think we are, as much as I feel like you and I mean  
something to each other, that if I screw up, you’ll just cut me off, to throw up all your walls and I’ll  
be stuck outside.”

I wondered if I was going to make a career out of misjudging and underestimating Niall. I had  
thought that he was just blindly following me around the shop, mooning over me, and that he was  
confusing his crush on me with love, but he’d obviously given a lot of thought to us, and how he really  
felt about me. He also obviously cared more deeply than a simple crush, and he seemed pained by the  
thought that I might shut him out. I was just as stung to realize that it was a valid thought. If all he had to  
go on was my behavior this week, he was right to guess that I might change my mind and that would be  
the end of it.

“Alright,” Niall said, nodding. He was staring at our interlocked hands, our fingers laced  
together. “I was just thinking that, you know, you’re worried about Liam, and all the history that he  
and I have, and you’ve never stopped to think what it’s like for me.”

“For you to be with him?” I asked, stupidly not understanding at all.

“No,” he answered, shaking his head. “For me to care about you, at least if you’re worried about  
Liam and I, you’re worried about a person that you can argue with, someone that you can meet and size  
up, and compete with. I can’t do that if I care about you. I’m sure Justin was a great guy and all, but he’s  
gone, and I’ll always be competing with a memory of him. I’ll always be trying to win your love from  
someone who doesn’t even have to fight for it, and who, as near as I can tell was just completely  
perfect. I’m never going to be able to measure up to that.

“Niall I told you,” I began, sighing. “I’m still in love with Justin, I still feel him, I still think,  
sometimes, that he’s going to come walking through the door. I told you, I’m not over him.”

“Yeah, you told me,” Niall said, not letting go of my hand. “But the things you do tell me  
something different. The way you act around me, I don’t know what to think Sean. You say you want  
to be friends, and then you jerk me off. You say you don’t want to hurt me, and then you make love  
with me. You keep pushing me away, but at the same time you keep pulling me closer. What am I  
supposed to think? How am I supposed to know how you feel? It doesn’t look like you even do.”

His voice was tight, strained, and I wondered if he might cry again. What was I doing to him,  
Every time I lost control, was hurting him more than I realized. I didn’t want that, ever, especially not  
with all the pain he had already suffered. I didn’t want to be the cause of more.

“Niall, I don’t know how I feel.” I said, standing. I turned to the window, learning forward  
with my head against the glass. I felt things slipping inside me, clouds rolling away revealing a dangerous  
path. “I don’t know how I feel at all, and that scares me.”

I felt Niall’s hands on my shoulders, but they felt safe. He gently began to knead them, working  
at the spot where my shoulders met my neck. His hands were firm, but gentle, and he waited for me to  
speak again. I felt the tension draining out of my locked shoulders, out of the knots I was tied in, and  
wondered when he’d gotten so good at this. I wondered as well if he felt the way I did inside, if he  
was just as confused and torn up and afraid. After all the times we’d talked, the way we were now  
felt like we hadn’t even scratched the surface before. I saw him behind me in the glass, saw his  
reflection watching me carefully, his face both strained and thoughtful.

“Sean?” he asked quietly, his voice soft as a whisper.

“I’m sorry,” I said, rolling my head from side to side as he worked at me. I was starting to feel  
very warm inside, and my body felt loose and relaxed. I felt my back muscles going almost numb as  
everything began to smooth out. “I never meant to hurt you. I’d never do that, not on purpose, but I  
guess I am, regardless of what I want. I don’t mean to though.”

“I know,” Niall said, digging his thumbs in a little harder. “I know you don’t want to hurt me.”

“But I am,” I said shaking my head. “Niall, I never got to say goodbye to Justin, not really.  
I never got to hold his hand and let him go. He was taken from me, and that left a big hole. I’ve told  
Myself all along that what I was feeling, this attachment that I still have to him, was completely natural,  
but I don’t think it is. I don’t think I’m supposed to still feel this way.”

“It’s ok to still love him,” Niall said, leaning forward. He draped his arms over my shoulders and  
rested his head on one. I felt his breath flutter across my cheek, but it wasn’t sexual. It was warm, and  
close, but what I felt wasn’t need. It was support, and safety. “it’s alright to miss him, and to be sad he’s  
gone.”

“Not like this,” I argued, feeling my eyes sting. “I never let go, Niall. I never tried to get over this,  
and no one ever tried to make me. I’ve spent over a year wallowing in this, telling myself it was alright,  
that this was what I was supposed to do, and that it was the best way to remember Justin, and be true  
to him, but this isn’t what he would have wanted. This isn’t the way he wanted me to live the rest of  
my life, and I haven’t been able to see that.

Tears trickled down my cheeks, slowly running from my eyes.

“Let it go,” Niall whispered, holding me tightly. “Let it out, please let me take this away.”

I turned my head, rubbing my cheek on his forearm. He’d pushed his sleeves up, and I could feel  
the soft warmth of his skin, the silken touch of the light golden hair on his arm.

“It’s not your fault,” I admitted. I couldn’t let him blame himself for this. “It’s me, I never  
thought that I might feel like this. I never left the possibility open, never imagined that someone  
would come, or that I would feel any of these things again. I never thought that I would meet anyone  
else who made me feel like this, and I haven’t wanted to face it. I keep pushing you away, and we keep  
having this same discussion, because I don’t know what else to do.”

“How do you feel?” Niall asked. “How do you feel about me?”

“I don’t know,” I answered, shaking. I felt myself trembling in his grip. “I’m confused Niall,  
I’m so confused.”

Niall swallowed. We were standing so close that I could feel his throat move, fell the swallow  
travel down through his chest. Every time he inhaled his specs and abs pushed against my back, an  
even wave of contact, reassuring me.

“You kissed me today,” Niall whispered. We were both quiet, not moving, barely breathing. His  
lips scraped over my cheek when he talked. “When I was scared today, when I was confused, you were  
here for me. You held me, and you told me it would be alright, and twice you kissed me. What were you  
thinking right then? What were you thinking when you kissed me Sean?”

“I wanted you to feel better,” I answered. “I wanted you to feel safe.”

“You could have done that with a hug,” Niall argued. “You could have just held me, or even told  
me that everything would be alright, and I would have believed you.”

“Why?” I asked, “Why would you believe everything I say?”

“Because I love you,” he repeated. “I keep telling you that, and you keep telling me that I’m  
confused and I don’t know how I feel, but I do. I know what I’m thinking, and I know what you’re  
thinking too, so why did you kiss me?”

“Because I care about you,” I whispered finally. I felt that little stab of guilt, but I pushed it away,  
because it also felt good to say it. It felt good to finally stop fighting this and let it out. “I care about you  
so much Niall, and I kissed you because I wanted to. It felt right, and that’s why I did it.”

“Do you love me?” Niall asked, still holding onto me. “Do you care that much about me?”

I knew it would hurt him, but I went back to what I’d said before. We’d promised to  
listen to each other, and to be honest.

“I can’t say that Niall, not yet.” I answered, feeling him tense.

I felt his arms slip off my shoulders, and I waited to see what he would do. 

“I told you, I can’t do this.” I said too afraid to turn around and see the pain I was causing. It was  
Better that I do it now though. I cared enough about him to want to spare him hurt further down the  
road. “This thing where we’re friends, but we still have sex, I can’t do it. It feels wrong, and you deserve  
better than to be treated like that. You deserve better than me, if that’s the best I can do for you.”

“Look at me,” Niall said quietly. I didn’t move, and he put his hands on my shoulders. “I mean  
it, turn around and look at me.”

“Niall,” I began, not wanting to. This was my last chance to look away, to avoid facing this  
whole thing.

“No,” Niall said, tugging softly at my shoulders. “Look at me, please.”

I allowed myself to be turned, facing him with my back against the glass, the shelf pressing  
Into the back of my knees, but I didn’t look up at him. I kept my head down, and then I felt his fingers  
at the side of my face, tracing along my jaw before they caught on my chin and slowly lifted my gaze.  
I found myself staring into his bright eyes, seeing that this was as terrifying to him, as it was to me.  
Both of us were unsure, and could be making such a huge mistake.

“You’re right,” he said, still whispering. “We can’t keep doing this friends with benefits thing.  
It’s hurting you, and it’s hurting me too. I don’t know where I stand with that, I can’t tell where we are  
or what to think. I think we should do something else.”

“Like what?” I asked, wanting to know where we stood.

“I love you,” he repeated, “I love you, and I want to be with you.”

“Niall,” I began, but he cut me off.

“I know you don’t love me,” he said. “But I know you care about me. I know that you care about  
me a lot, and will never hurt me. I know you don’t love me now, but do you think you could try? Do you  
think it’s worth it?”

I looked at him again, noticing all the things I kept trying not to let myself see. My eyes over his  
chin, and his face, now caring and open. My eyes locked onto his, and I felt myself falling into them.  
This was the feeling I’d lost, that floor dropping away, something punching you in the stomach feeling.  
This was what it felt like to care about someone more than yourself, and right then that’s how I felt  
about Niall. My hands slid up his back as I pulled his head towards me, he didn’t resist.

“Yes,” I answered. “I promise, I’ll try as best I can.”

“That’s all I’m asking,” he said, leaning in.

Niall’s mouth scraped down over mine, his lips gently pursing against my own, and I leaned  
back. Letting him crush me to his chest as he kissed me urgently, his tongue dipping in. He tasted  
faintly of chocolate and something else I couldn’t identify, but I kept trying to figure out as my own  
tongue slid lightly over his. Whatever Harry had intended with all the things he told me, I knew it  
wasn’t this. Niall and I weren’t just friends anymore, and we weren’t just fuck buddies either.  
Niall and I were a couple, and I was going to try and love him, to remember what it was to care about  
someone besides Justin.

Fuck Harry and his games, I was with Niall, and it was ok.

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally posted on my tumblr Tomli-the-great.tumblr.com
> 
> Sean was meant to be a totally original character more based on me but when I was discussing the story with one of my mates  
> she asked me all about him because she's evil and he had no surname so we gave him one, originally it was O'Rilley but we ended up  
> changing it to Cullen because while working on the original banner for this story we remembered that Niall does indeed have a  
> friend named Sean Cullen. I however know nothing about him, so the name is the only similarity.


End file.
